WOW! PEOPLE REALLY READ US!

I just checked the email account associated with the blog and was amazed to see comments that we have gotten recently from readers wanting updates. I apologize for the MONTHS that have gone by without postings!

Where to start? It has been a hell of a year. I have dealt with more than my share of crap. However, it is December, and I am BLESSED. My divorce was final in August. I got a great new job in March and I LOVE IT. My children are happy and healthy. AND...

Steven and I are still together.

Don't get me wrong, I won't sugar coat it. We have had a ROUGH time. Taking my marital status from married to single while his has remained married has just about wrecked us. However, he is working on his end of it, and one of these days y'all are going to see a post that I have been DYING to write for months and months...one about how we are finally US.

My life changed the day I met Steven, and we belong together. We are so fucking stubborn and terrible to each other sometimes. I look at him and feel a love like no other. I crave him. I need him. We need each other. It is complicated...our love and our fighting is best explained like a line in an Eminem song..."That's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano".

I believe that all things happen when they are supposed to. And it is exciting to be on the verge of something so BIG. It is scary too. I wonder things...like will his kids like me? Will my kids and his kids like each other? Are we trying to do the impossible? And then I stop. NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE. When my skin touches his skin, my mouth tastes his mouth, my eyes look into his...I know. I just know. I am going to look back at this post next Christmas and be amazed at what we will do in 2011.

THANK YOU for reading us, for thinking of us, for following our story. We still have hot amazing sex. We have become quite tame lately...spending lots of time at my house, enjoying intimate dinners out, craving each other instead of an audience. We go through phases...and right now we are kind of in a survival phase. We are surviving. We need to nurture US more than anything. I know we will do crazy things again...we will most certainly have sex for an audience again...we will probably enjoy watching people at the swinger's club again...we are sure to come up with some naughty new adventures too.

We wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy 2011...stay tuned...there is more of us yet to come!

Missy

ONE YEAR

A year ago today, on February 7, 2009, I found my Steven. I randomly posted an ad on Craigslist looking for SOMETHING. I wasn't even sure WHAT in the hell I was doing or looking for, I just knew that whatever it was did not exist within my own four walls.

I found it. Him.

I have spent much of this week reflecting on us, our relationship, and how we got here. I decided to make him a hard bound book that had memories, thoughts, things I love, and other randomness in it. I threw some pictures and old emails in it too. It was probably a 6 hour project start to finish, and I almost did it for myself as much as I did it for him. It slowed me down, and really made me think about this past year. It also confirmed that I am headed in the right direction with Steven. The thoughts and memories flowed freely while I worked on the book and it occurred to me that it would be impossible to do something like this based on my 12 year marriage. What does THAT tell you? I read through my work several times, and it was at times quite emotional for me. In a good way. The intensity in which I love Steven can be overwhelming, and something as stupid as thinking over our first meeting could bring me to tears. Good ones.

Fittingly and ironically, I filed for divorce this week. It was liberating. I thought back to where I was, where my head was, and where my heart was a year ago and the only thing that has made this final year of marriage somewhat manageable was Steven. It also felt RIGHT. Nothing about it was BECAUSE OF STEVEN. All of it was BECAUSE OF ME. I feel like my relationship with Steven has made me value my own happiness so much more, and he has been an immense source of love and support. However, he hasn't wrecked a home. If he ended this relationship today my divorce would still happen. And that feels right.

Last night we celebrated by staying the night at the hotel that we first got together at. We had an amazing dinner in our room, drank a bunch of margaritas, watched a movie, and genuinely enjoyed being together. It was quite perfect. Oh, and yes, there was hot sex too!

I am SO EXCITED about my future! I mean, REALLY! Where will I get a job? What will happen when Steven leaves his wife? How amazing will it be when we are both free to just be US? It is all SO EXCITING! Of course, it is nerve wracking, and of course, being "single" while he is still very "married" is trying. Of course job hunting and divorcing are hard things. However, it is the home stretch for US as a couple involved in an affair. We are SO CLOSE to being something so much more that I can taste it. I can SEE IT too. Now that my husband is out of the picture, Steven can come over. Stay the night. Hang out. And that is so much more "real life" than a hotel room. And I love how REAL LIFE looks and feels!

I am so thankful. One year ago, my life changed forever. A beautiful, strong, smart, hilarious man entered my life. Someone that has depth. Someone that is my best friend. Someone that has a light that you can't miss, yet a darkness that I relate to. Someone that has loved me more than I knew possible.

I'm crazy about you Steven. Happy Anniversary!

2010 - A YEAR OF CHANGE

First things first. We are just fine. If you happened to read a dramatic and horrid post by me recently, and now it is deleted, know this: I wrote it in a state of anger and pain. I wrote it with raw emotion. And I wrote things that I shouldn't have. I wasn't telling it like it was. I am leaving it at that. I WAS WRONG.

Steven and I are great. Really great. This is going to be a big year for us. Massive changes are happening on my side...my husband moved out. My place of work abruptly closed down on New Year's Eve. I am exploring this foreign world of unemployment and single parenting. So far so good. I am tough. I haven't let myself throw a pity party for more than a few seconds, and I am pretty proud of that. I am being proactive with my life now. I feel a sense of freedom that I haven't felt in years. I feel like I am being the best mom I could possibly be. And I know that while things won't be easy, that I am headed in the right direction.

I also know that Steven and I are headed in the right direction. This period of time where he is still in his existing relationship and I have this new found freedom is sure to test us. HOWEVER, I can do this. We can do this.

If last night was a glimpse into what life with him would be like, I am not letting him go for anything. It was my first night at home, without kids. They were with their dad. And Steven came over to spend the night. We had the nicest evening together, enjoying "playing house" and not being in a hotel room. We went to dinner, had drinks together at home, watched TV (don't worry...he paused Biggest Loser to give me a real good fucking on the family room floor), and had a glorious night of sleep (and more sex) together.

It felt RIGHT. I could see it. See us. Now, I am not stupid...I realize that between the two of us there are a fuck load of kids. And I realize with a fuck load of kids that may or may not be around that having sex on the family room floor during Biggest Loser is probably not as likely. HOWEVER, it wasn't *that* aspect of it. It was the being real, doing real things, in a real environment that felt so right. So perfect.

I feel like we have turned a corner. December was fucking rough. I could not have had another hardship happen or it would have done me in. I am STILL wading through some hard stuff. However, the constant has been Steven. Yes, we fight and fight ugly. We are passionate, and sometimes in a bad way. Yet, he is there. He is always there. The day I found out that my workplace was closing, I called him crying. He was there in minutes holding me. That night he laid with me while I processed the whole thing and what it meant. He let me cry, be angry, and work through it. It was snowing that night, and amongst the dark cloud that I felt I was under, his warm lips amongst snowflakes by "our lake" made it all manageable.

We have been through more this past year than many people experience in years of marriage. Some of it has been beautiful. Some ugly. Some scary. Some exciting. All of it new.

This WILL be an amazing year. I can't WAIT to see where it leads us. I have SO MUCH that I am looking forward to. I am learning that I can't be a control freak all of the time. I have no idea where I will end up as far as a job goes. I have no idea what my living situation will be. I have no idea how the process of slowly merging our lives together will work. I have no idea how getting divorced will work. There are SO MANY UNKNOWNS!

And yet, I am relatively relaxed. Sometimes losing big things is what it takes to realize what is important. My kids. My health. My faith. My family. My friends.

My Steven.

NEEDS

I love when sex feels so completely amazing that you can't hold still. Last night I could not hold still. Steven's hard cock was filling me up, and I was squirming here, there, and everywhere. I wanted to keep feeling, keep cumming, keep enjoying. I was moving this way, then that way, then making sure every inch was deep inside of me. I wanted to touch him everywhere, and be touched everywhere. I wanted to feel submissive, yet in control. I wanted it soft and sweet, yet rough and demanding. I COULD NOT HOLD STILL. And when he came, it was equally as satisfying to me as all of my orgasms combined.

Sometimes you don't know what you need until after you get it.

Here is what I needed last night:

- A trip to Target with Steven. We split up so we weren't seen together...it was in a risky place. However...I love Target and I love Steven. Great combo.

- Dinner at Red Lobster. Again high risk. And oh-so yummy. And my margarita was amazing.

- Cuddling in our hotel room while watching Biggest Loser. MY FAVORITE SHOW!!

- I needed to cry. I thought that I couldn't cry anymore. Telling my kids that my husband and I are separating was THE WORST thing I have EVER done as a mom. HORRIBLE. I will never, ever be able to erase the image of my oldest child's face as he absorbed the news. And so when I was laying with Steven, rubbing his back, breathing him in, I lost it. Completely lost it. Sobbing in his arms. And he held me, and talked quietly, and let me find comfort in his words and touch.

- I needed wiggly, good sex.

- I needed to have him sing to me and stroke my hair so that I would relax enough to sleep.

- I needed to sleep (even though it was restless) next to him.

- I needed to wake up next to him...actually, with his cock telling me it was time to get up...

Mmmmmm. What a GREAT night....

FUCK ME SILLY

Sometimes getting completely lost in sex is the most amazing feeling ever.

To lose all awareness of everything...time, your surroundings, everything.

I did this last night.

And I REALLY NEEDED IT.

Round 1 was great, intense sex. Kisses, eye contact, oral...me getting a little emotional, and Steven whispering to just relax and let us do what we do best. Love each other. A little bit of everything, including some anal with Steven on top. This is really a pretty sweet position...you get the intimacy of being face to face while getting the naughtiness of anal. That is nice right there! Climax after climax...mmmmm...it was good. Some snuggle time afterwards was amazing too.

Round 2 was great, intense sex. YET, it was different.

At one point, Steven's cock was thrusting in and out of my mouth. His warm lips were teasing my nipples. I was working my friend, MR. HOT PINK VIBRATOR, around my clit, and occasionally sliding it in and out of me. MOST of my arousal was coming from is cock in my mouth. He would occasionally take it out, stroke it himself, and watching that right by my face was pretty hot. I flirted with mini-orgasms...not wanting to stop...letting the intensity grow...Steven was enjoying watching me play with MR. HOT PINK VIBRATOR...it was almost too much going on at once.

When he climbed on top of me and slid himself inside me (have I mentioned that feeling our bodies connected feels like I am just where I belong?) I continued to let MR. HOT PINK VIBRATOR buzz around my clit. Steven pounded and pounded, I looked at him, kissed him, touched his face. I knew he was close, and I was on the verge of something crazy. The knowledge that he was close to cumming was just what I needed...within seconds of each other we both explode orgasmically...and whatever the fuck noises I made cracked Steven up. It was seriously a crazy intense, long lasting, mind blowing orgasm. I felt what control I had of my body leave me, and I did a laugh/moan/scream/almost crying thing. I know I laughed...have you ever felt SO GOOD that laughing is all that you can do? It was like that. I was FUCKED SILLY.

My "real" life is in transition right now. My husband is going to slowly start to transition out of our house. I have talked to a lawyer. We need to talk to our children next week. My husband and I are on the same page...we know that we are doing what we need to do. What is best for both of us. There is no ugliness. No fighting. However, it is a lot for me to wrap my mind around. I am happy, sad, excited, scared. I am EXHAUSTED. I don't know when I have had a great night of sleep last. I am worried that Steven and I won't survive this transition I am going through. I am worried that when his time comes, when he is ready to dissolve his marriage, that I won't be what he needs. That I won't be a good support. There is SO MUCH on my mind.

And you know what? What I can't stop thinking about is HOW STRONG I AM. I can do this. My kids will be fine. They have two parents that love them, and will always take care of them. They will be fine. And I will too. I am also thinking that I am ONE STEP closer to where I belong...

This is a journey. A day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute journey. It isn't always pretty. It isn't always easy. It is exhausting. But, if I can lose myself for a few moments and embrace the true love that is between Steven and myself, I am okay. In that moment, I am okay.

I think great sex is like therapy. At least for me.

IF ONLY LIFE HAD A REMOTE CONTROL

Sometimes I wish that life came with a remote control.

I would like the option to hit pause, and enjoy my kids at certain ages and stages just a little longer. I would like to hit stop, and then rewind when I make a bad decision. I would like to hit stop when things are just too hard, and play again when I feel strong enough to do so. And I would like to hit play when things are going just perfect and I can continue along.

Right now I would love to hit fast forward.

My life is daunting to me at this moment. The past 5 days were glorious. My husband was out of town (this never happens), and I had a good taste of what being the only parent felt like. And I am beyond capable. I sell myself short. I don't need anyone.

Steven and I enjoyed the added time that was available, and spent a few hours on Thursday afternoon and Friday morning together at my house. The kids were at school, and we enjoyed just having mellow "real" time. Time that wasn't in a hotel room. Talking, looking at pictures, just hanging out. Don't get me wrong...you know that the opportunity was taken to have sex...bent over the bathroom counter, looking in the mirror that is in my headboard...good intense, efficient sex. What I refer to as GOOD FUCKING.

We had Saturday evening together as well...all night. Grandma took my kids, and he was able to finagle a work excuse to not go home. We had an evening that started with great lovemaking, followed by an amazing dinner, drinks, dancing, and just really enjoying each other. The night ended with singing and dancing in the rain by our lake, and then retreating to our hotel room for more great sex, and sleeping next to each other which is a real luxury. The night was so perfect that I am choosing to leave the description at this...sometimes things are too intimate, too special, and too US for words.

So, here we are. Monday night. And while I would love to rewind and have the past 5 days happen again, I would also like to hit fast forward. AN ENTIRE YEAR.

I took a huge leap today. HUGE. I spent the day with my parents, and finally had the courage to tell them about the state of my marriage. I was very honest. They weren't surprised...I have eluded to marital issues all year. However, this afternoon I told them everything. Of course I did not share anything about Steven (or any other affairs that I have had). I shared what have been my issues. It took a lot for me to say them out loud. To say I HAVE A HUSBAND THAT IS A HARD WORKER, A GREAT FATHER, BUT IS NOT MEETING MY NEEDS AS A HUSBAND. HE HAS A GAMBLING ADDICTION. HE HAS SEXUAL ISSUES THAT HE REFUSES TO SEE A DOCTOR FOR. I HAVE BEEN LONELY, REJECTED, AND UNHAPPY FOR AWHILE. The night before he went out of town last week I had been feeling under the weather and asked him to rub my back and lay with me so I could fall asleep. His response was that he couldn't play poker online and do that. This is just one example of ways that this marriage is not much of a marriage anymore.

My family has always adored my husband. I know that my siblings have thought of him as a sibling, and my parents have thought of him as a son. He has been in our lives since I was 16. They see him with our children, and admire what a wonderful father he is. They see him tirelessly work hard for our family. And I get this. He is a great guy. A nice guy. However, he isn't enough for me. He isn't what is best for me. We have had a broken marriage for years, and I am done with the acting. The fakeness. The acting. It is time to face the music and take care of me for once.

So, there I was. Sitting outside on a beautiful fall day, crying. Talking to my parents. And their response and reaction was completely different than I had anticipated. I was prepared for them to encourage counseling. To tell me to pray about it. To tell me that I could do this, that we just needed to work harder.

Instead I received more support than I could have imagined. It wasn't even suggested that staying together was an option. They both said that they saw this coming. I was encouraged to be responsible and to start saving money. To think about me. To take care of myself. And after I got home this evening, my mother called to tell me to keep talking, remember to take care of myself, and that they loved me.

I sat on the stairs, hiding from my kids, and cried. I feel like this was one of my biggest challenges, and I did it. I have family support. I am loved. I can do this.

I wish that I could see ahead a year. See what my life will be like. What my relationship with Steven will look like. The amount of unknowns scares me. I like organization. Things to be lined out. Schedules. Plans. And NONE of that happens in situations like these.

I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be without a spouse. I don't want to be financially in a worse position. I don't want to adjust my lifestyle drastically from how it is now. I want to wave a wand, and POOF...have Steven in the place of my husband. And life happily ever after. I want to avoid the messiness that is ahead of me.

And I can't. I can't. While in my heart I know that what I am doing is for ME and not for Steven, I would be lying to say that he isn't a factor. It would be real easy to continue living how I am. I could trade the marital issues in exchange for the comforts of everything else. I could continue as is. My husband has said to do what I need to do (like have an affair) as long as I am not blatant about it. I could keep that up. I could keep my children with both of their parents. I would be lying if I didn't admit that knowing that I have a future with Steven isn't a big motivator.

Yet, I need to take care of me. I need out. I need a new start. I need to do this right. I want a marriage done right. More than anything. I know in my heart that I am meant to be with Steven. There is no doubt. And I know that it will happen. I have moments of doubt...moments that I worry he will just say fuck it, and decide that his marriage isn't that bad. That he can stick it out and stay married until his kids are older. That I am not what he needs. That this is too hard.

I have to trust that things will happen the way they are supposed to. I have to trust that regardless of my relationship with Steven, that I am doing what I need to do, for me. I have to realize that I have a great support system within my family and a few of my friends.

I need to remember to breathe, and that fast forwarding isn't an option. I need to work towards a divorce that impacts my children minimally. I need to think about myself and what I need.

I need to trust that Steven and I will look back on these trying time and know that we did the right thing, for the right reasons, and that it was worth it. And when that time comes, I want to relish it. And most likely I will want to hit pause and savor that moment, and then hit play so that we can continue our lives. Together.

KISS IT AND MAKE IT BETTER

As always, we are behaving as our normal, volatile selves, and paying the price for it.

I used to be okay with the thought of Steven sleeping with his wife. It happens so infrequently. I am confident in myself, and in our relationship. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel like it is a competition. There is one thing, one BIG THING though that she has, and I don't.

She is MARRIED to him.

We have had our share of disputes regarding ME having sex with my husband. I understand each and every one of the issues. My husband has gotten sex with me when he pleases, regardless of what is going on, how I feel, etc. It is rarely good sex. It rarely lasts more than 10 minutes. It is a struggle for him to maintain an erection sometimes, and other times he is battling premature ejaculation. I know that Steven thinks that I am too accommodating. He thinks that my husband doesn't appreciate what he has. There are many more issues, and all of them make sense.

I have had a nonchalant attitude about Steven's sex life with is wife. I haven't cared too much. There are days that I don't want to hear about it, but overall I haven't cared.

This past week has been a week for laying ground work. I have had conversations with my mother, sister, and a friend regarding my marriage. I have insinuated to them that things aren't okay. That I am not happy. Most importantly, I have had a good conversation with my husband. A conversation that was along the lines of the fact that we are both unhappy, that we both deserve to be happy, and that we need to work together to be the best parents possible to our children while sorting things out and moving our own directions. And later that night when I saw him looking through picture albums, it was like a knife to my heart. Strangely, he looked peaceful. Accepting. Okay. However, he knows. I know. We have both known. We don't have a "marriage". We have a good partnership. A good arrangement. And we both should have so much more.

And I was feeling AMAZING. As if I could see this happening. As if I was finally headed in the right direction. And Steven and I were on the same page. We have set some obtainable, realistic goals. We aren't jumping into anything, we aren't being stupid. We aren't setting ourselves up for failure. Instead we are setting ourselves up for happiness, and success. We are realizing that we aren't getting any younger, and that each day is a gift and that we need put ourselves first for once.

So after days of hard conversations, after a week of accomplishments, I was feeling pretty damn good.

And Friday morning I get a text message from Steven while driving my kids to the dentist. It told me that he had sex with his wife last night.

I damn near lost it. Here I am, driving kids, on the freeway, going 80 MPH, and I start crying. I want to throw my phone in the river. I want to scream.

Here I am, working towards moving FORWARD, and he is FUCKING HER?

And it isn't that he had sex with her, it was that he had told me something, and did something completely different. And while I won't get into the details, I was not okay. I have said over and over to Steven that I AM DOING THIS RIGHT THIS TIME. No lies. No deception.

What evolved from this bloody text message was a day and a half of misery. Tears. Conversations. Heated text messaging wars. Silent treatments. Mean words flung around. I was done. I really was. I decided that I couldn't do this. That I couldn't handle the stress. The pain. That I would rather lose him than share him. That the thought of him with HER made me violently nauseous. I could NOT DO THIS.

So I told him so. It was D.O.N.E. done. If we both became untangled from our existing situations, great. I could do this. However, I had hit a wall. I couldn't share him. I couldn't do this. I love him too much, want him too bad, am too selfish.

I knew that I hurt him. I didn't care. He had hurt me. He had said one thing to me, and did something completely different. I can't stop him from having sex to the one that he is legally bound to. The one that he shares a bed with. HOWEVER, don't DO THIS TO ME! Don't TEXT ME about having sex with her when you KNOW that I have been working towards US and OUR FUTURE all week.

I agreed to meet him last night. And I had no intention of anything other than getting a drink and dinner, and talking. Figuring out how to move forward from this. Closure. I was seriously walking away. I didn't even shave *down there* all that perfect because I WAS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH HIM.

We were immediately fighting. We met at a grocery store parking lot, where we were just attacking each other for lame things. It was so so stupid. We were both emotionally raw, on the verge of tears, and we got in my van and Steve drove to "our lake", which, by the way was DRIED UP due to how hot and dry it has been.

We were sitting next to each other, it was hot, dry, dusty, there were people around, planes overhead, a train in the distance. Steve leans over and kisses me. And kisses me. And kisses me. And I kissed back. My hand on the back of his neck felt his warm skin, and it was if I was floating. IT WAS OK. I WAS GOING TO BE OK. WE WERE GOING TO BE OKAY. His hand wandered up my skirt...just enough for me to know that he needed to feel me. That I needed to feel him.

I knew in that moment that I needed to suck it up. Deal. I needed to hold his hand and support him through what he chooses to do. And I need the same from him. He knows the real Missy. He knows all that there is to know about me. He loves me completely. Unconditionally. We need each other. We deserve each other...good and bad. When I am a brat, he is a brat back and we deserve to be with people that can dish out exactly what the are given. We need to be with people that meet us in the middle. We need to be with people that will ALWAYS say yes to sex, will always kiss back, will always hunger for the other no matter how bad it gets.

We had a wonderful evening sprinkled with sex, drinks, food, and adventures. Add a dash of residual anger and frustration and you have a really white trash parking lot scene in front of the Swinger's Club. The details of the sex, and maybe the white trash parking lot scene will follow in another post.

The bottom line is this. I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE FOUND SOMEONE LIKE STEVEN. He doesn't give up. He is more stubborn than I am, and I didn't know that was possible. He puts me in my place. He can kiss it and make it all better.

I will never like the idea of him having sex with HER, as he will never like the idea of me having sex with HIM. My mantra is THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY because it is just that. TEMPORARY.

When the time is right, we will be untangled. We will be together. There is NO DOUBT in our minds that this is true.

Sex with spouses is going to happen. It hurts. It is hard. Conflicting. Confusing. So, I am going to choose to look at the big picture. I have nothing to be jealous of. NOTHING. I know where we stand, where we are headed.

And where we are headed is to a place where it ALWAYS feels as good as that kiss did last night. A place where things are sunny, and pretty, and sparkly, and warm, and fuzzy.

Like home.

A YEAR OF CHANGE

December 31, 2008...

My husband and I rang in the new year with friends in our small town...we had been invited to a party with them in their neighborhood. The hosts were people we barely knew, but we knew people attending so agreed to go. The kids were all left with a babysitter a few houses down. Why am I recapping New Years? Because I KNEW. I KNEW THAT 2009 WOULD BE A YEAR OF CHANGES. Everyone thinks that, right? Thinks that this will be the year that they lose weight, save more money, etc. I had nothing specific in mind. Yet, I knew.

And as the night went on, as I played board games with a group of people while watching my intoxicated husband make an ass of himself, I KNEW. I was sitting at one end of the table playing Apples To Apples, when I looked up and saw my husband touching this complete stranger (and a prominent community member) more than he had touched me in weeks. And I looked up, with tears in my eyes, and my eyes met the eyes of a man at the other end of the table. I quickly glanced down, embarrassed. While there was NOTHING about his look that was anything but caring, it was the caring aspect that stuck with me. I WANTED TO BE LOOKED AT LIKE THAT...like I was cared about. When this man's teenage son died tragically in a car accident a few months later, my heart ached. You know that the young man was looked at with those same kind eyes his entire (short) life.

The other day I was with Steven, and freakishly my jaw went out of whack and FUCKING HURT. I am one to tear up at Hallmark commercials, or cry when sad/tired/frustrated/sick/hungry/pissed off and much more. However, when something hurts, it is a serious waterworks event. I was sitting there, tears streaming down my face, trying to blubber to Steven what hurt so bad, when I glanced up. With blurry eyes, I looked into his eyes. HIS KIND EYES. As he wiped tears from my face, kindly trying to salvage my eye makeup, he looked at me with such love. Such kindness. JUST WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED AND NEEDED.

This year has been a blur in a sense, and it is only July. I am thankful for the documentation I have in this blog, because there is so much that I want to remember forever. To think that 6 months ago, Steve was not a part of my life, is SHOCKING. I can't wrap my mind around it.

Several readers have asked about the state of my marriage, his marriage, and our relationship. Things are changing. Things are shifting. We are both trying to get our ducks in a row. I am pursuing (cross your fingers!) a career change that would be stressful and challenging if it pans out. However, it would put me in a place that would be independent of my husband in a work sense, as well as able to take care of myself and kids should the need arise.

Steven is facing challenges himself. His obstacles are different, some harder than mine, some easier. I came to the realization long ago that my marriage was not a marriage. He has only recently realized that, and I know all too well the pain that comes with that discovery. We have children...both of us...a lot if you add ours together...plus financial obligations, the prospect of a job change in my future, the worry of family and friends and their judgements, our churches, and the fact that we are both married to selfish people. People that exist. People that think about the here and now, and their immediate needs. Steven and I aren't like that. We are both big picture, live life to the fullest, giving, daring, passionate, feisty, sexually needy people. Hot headed brats at times.

I have NO IDEA what will be going on in my life by the end of this year. I am sure these next several months will bring changes, some good, some hard. To answer the questions about US and where WE are headed, here is what I think.

I think that our existing marriages are in their final acts. I think that if Steven and I can make it through the changes we are facing, that we could make it through anything together. I think that if we were to end our relationship with each other for whatever reason, that I would be devastated, yet a better person than I was before him. In a short time he has taught me so much...more than all of my past relationships combined. He has shown me what real love feels like, and the feeling that I have when I am with him is so amazing I can't even begin to describe it. For example, a few days ago we saw each other in an environment where we needed to be very "acquaintance only" towards each other. And at some point he leans over and quietly says to me that he feels calmer and more relaxed being in my presence. That sums it up...there is an easiness that comes when we are together. It isn't uncommon for one of us to mutter something along the lines of "this feels like home" when we are having sex.

I think that BIG ASS challenges are looming over us, and our families. I think that daily Steve and I are tweaking our relationship to find that perfect balance of what we both need and want. We are listening to each other, figuring out how to best support each other and communicate with each other.

Very early on in our relationship I made a comment to Steven about how in 5 years we would look back on the beginnings of our relationship and laugh at how we met...and he made a comment about how he wanted to be at my children's high school graduations. I think that we both made these comments KNOWING, but not really grasping, or understanding the magnitude of what we were in the early stages of. It is becoming clearer and clearer to me now.

As we approach 6 months of being together, I can't help but wonder what the next 6 months will bring. I am struggling daily to just BE, to just ACCEPT that things happen when they are supposed to and that things happen for a reason. Being a planner and organizer, this is hard. I want to know what my life will look like on New Years Eve of this year. I want to know what my life looks like next February. I want to KNOW.

Instead, I treasure what I do know for certain, and that is this:

- I know that I will always be a good mom, and do the best I can to raise great kids.
- I know that Steven and I need to be together, and will do whatever we can to do so.
- I know that being loved completely and honestly is the best feeling in the world.
- I know that HE is the ONE.

And with that knowledge, I move forward. I support him in moving forward. And I focus on how great we are together. And I look forward to a time where we will look back and say:

IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT.

YES, I WOULD

I had a comment from Topaz on my previous post, wanting to know if HE was enough to make me want to leave my husband.

The short answer is YES. In a heartbeat.

I married a wonderful man, who is a wonderful father to our children. He is a good business partner. He is a lot of good things. The reality is that we were kids when we got married, and who we are as adults are two people that are really good at coexisting, and have a decent friendship. We have fun together, but there isn't a spark, he doesn't look at me like he loves me. We are sexually on very different pages. And I have known for a long time that I could be much happier with someone else.

So, along comes Steven. After all of these really fucked up relationships (see my first blog posting), and my marriage being how it is. And it is unlike ANYTHING I have ever felt. Unlike ANYTHING I have ever experienced. Unlike ANYTHING that I could have imagined possible.

I met him 4 months ago today. I get that it probably sounds crazy, and that it probably sounds unrealistic when I say that he is the ONE, and YES, I would leave my husband for him. Yet, it is true. I don't want my children to be hurt. And Steven is in the same situation. His kids are his top priority. And it is a really good thing that he is very responsible, and very concerned about his children's well being. He wants his kids to have a home growing up like he didn't have. And I have always wanted that for my kids too. There are days that I don't care, that I really believe that my kids would be fine, that I think that having a mom that is on her third marriage has made me a tougher, better person. And there are days that I can't imagine breaking up my family right now. That I can't fathom the guilt that I would have if leaving my husband would mess up my kids.

The bottom line is, I am madly in love with this man. I know that this is IT. And I know that I am meant to be with him. HOWEVER, for now, for today, what we have is enough. It has to be. It is beyond what I could have ever hoped for. And there will be a day, a day that kids are older, and things will change. I believe this from the bottom of my heart. And when that day comes, whenever it is, I will know that we have done the best we could, and that it is OKAY to take care of ourselves for once. That it is OKAY to stop living in empty marriages, and work on a future together.

When I think about that future, what excites me the most is thinking about sharing Steven with those I love. That is one of the hardest parts to this...having this amazing person in my life, and having to keep him a secret.

When the time is right, we will be together. And what will be a kick is having this blog, this journey, documented. Steve once said to me that he GETS how people that have just met can run off to Vegas and get married, because they just know.

I can understand that too.

HITTING A WALL

Amongst the Ashley Madison disasters, I turned 30. I was so panicked by that. I could rattle off lists of accomplishments over the past 10 years, yet felt so unfulfilled in a huge way. It had everything to do with my relationship with my husband. There was an emptiness to me, a feeling that there had to be more out there. That there had to be a way for me to be happier.

I would be running errands, and look at men. And wonder if they were happy. I spent hours thinking that my ideal situation would be to meet someone that was perfect for me, yet was in a similar situation and wasn't in a position to leave their wife or family. Someone that I could be fulfilled with on a sexual level, but have some more depth to the relationship as well. I wanted to KNOW them, their life, their feelings, and to be able to fill a void in their life like the one I so desperately needed filled.

I began working out after Christmas. My weight loss had plateaued, and it was time to take the next step. I hated every second of it, yet, as I became stronger and more in shape, I craved it. And the results were nice too! And for the first time, my friends and family noticed the changes. The compliments were nice. And I could actually see a difference when looking at pictures. While I still had (and have) more that I want to lose, it was a good feeling to get rid of 17 pairs of pants that were too big. I took a picture of the pants in a pile before I gave them away...as a reminder to myself of what I had done.

My husband and I hit the worst point in our marriage to date. We hit a wall. We were arguing...up until the wee hours of the morning because we wouldn't have heated conversations while the kids were awake. He had no clue what was going on with anything...our schedules, the kids schedules, our finances, nothing. And I was sick of it. The sex was nonexistent, I was tired of being rejected. I continued to try to initiate sex with him almost daily, and if I succeeded once a week I was lucky.

He wasn't making the best decisions with regards to our new business. We seriously contemplated selling it.

We both knew that if we separated, that we would be financially screwed. We knew that if we walked away from the business, it would be worse. We talked about bankruptcy and child custody. They were HARD CONVERSATIONS. We both cried several times over the course of a week while this was taking place.

And, not surprisingly, he stepped up to the plate. He stopped chewing, and bought Nicorette. He started keeping a calender. He got things taken care of on a business level, and met with his mom and arranged the money end of the business better.

I knew though, without a doubt, that most of this was temporary. I had seen it before. Yet, I quietly sat back and watched him cling to anything he could grab on to.

Early in February, my boss asked me to join him on a quick trip to California. I jumped at the chance. I was ecstatic to get away for two nights...to fly alone, travel alone, be alone. And to be around work people that inspire me.

The meetings I attended were good, but the time that wasn't work related was better. My boss showed me a good time...I drank with his friends on the most extravagant house boat I have ever seen. My boss took me to dinner with two female friends of his (he has a pimp like quality), and we drank wine and shared plates of Cajun food at a restaurant where Leonardo DiCaprio was dining just tables away. Apparently, cool California people DON'T STARE. I had a hard time with that.

The last day I was there, my boss took me sight seeing around San Francisco. I had never been there. We drove through beautiful places, had drinks on the water mid morning, met friends of his for a quick visit. We drove across the Golden Gate Bridge, and parked at a view point, where we both sat in silence with the radio on, absorbing the beauty of the city, and silently pondering the relationship issues that we were both having. We asked no questions of each other, yet had both shared that things were not okay with our significant others.

And when it was time for me to head to the airport, I dropped my boss off, and drove the rental car across the city. Alone. And while I am directionally disabled to the fullest extent possible, I didn't get lost. And for a brief time, while driving like I was a native, listening to loud music with the window down, I forgot. Forgot what I had waiting back at home. Forgot my misery. And then it was time to fly home...time to remember.

When my plane landed, I took the shuttle to my car in the airport parking lot. I was not more than a mile from the airport when the tears started. Hard. I hadn't cried like that in a long time. I could barely see. I was sobbing.

I didn't want to go home. I couldn't do this. I could not live like this. I knew that I would hurt my husband, my kids, my family, and much more. Yet I didn't see any other way. I wasn't going to be happy like this. I knew that with conviction. And I knew that the likelihood of finding an extramarital relationship like I had dreamed about wasn't likely either.

I decided to sit on it for a few weeks, and see what happened. Yet, I was certain that I was headed for divorce. My husband was clueless...my swollen upper lip (sure sign I was sucking dick or crying) wasn't even noticed by him when I got home from the airport.

Two days later, I was home, with my kids. It was Saturday February 7th. My house was spotless, the kids were playing together nicely. I sat down in my living room with my laptop, and began perusing Craigslist. I had done this before, just read ads out of curiosity. Sometimes there were ads that were interesting, but I was too chicken to reply. I read some ads in the CASUAL ENCOUNTERS section, under M4W. Loser after loser, looking for a quick lay.

And like a ton of bricks, the thought crossed my mind...I SHOULD POST AN AD. I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.

And I did. Without a second thought.