WOW! PEOPLE REALLY READ US!

I just checked the email account associated with the blog and was amazed to see comments that we have gotten recently from readers wanting updates. I apologize for the MONTHS that have gone by without postings!

Where to start? It has been a hell of a year. I have dealt with more than my share of crap. However, it is December, and I am BLESSED. My divorce was final in August. I got a great new job in March and I LOVE IT. My children are happy and healthy. AND...

Steven and I are still together.

Don't get me wrong, I won't sugar coat it. We have had a ROUGH time. Taking my marital status from married to single while his has remained married has just about wrecked us. However, he is working on his end of it, and one of these days y'all are going to see a post that I have been DYING to write for months and months...one about how we are finally US.

My life changed the day I met Steven, and we belong together. We are so fucking stubborn and terrible to each other sometimes. I look at him and feel a love like no other. I crave him. I need him. We need each other. It is complicated...our love and our fighting is best explained like a line in an Eminem song..."That's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano".

I believe that all things happen when they are supposed to. And it is exciting to be on the verge of something so BIG. It is scary too. I wonder things...like will his kids like me? Will my kids and his kids like each other? Are we trying to do the impossible? And then I stop. NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE. When my skin touches his skin, my mouth tastes his mouth, my eyes look into his...I know. I just know. I am going to look back at this post next Christmas and be amazed at what we will do in 2011.

THANK YOU for reading us, for thinking of us, for following our story. We still have hot amazing sex. We have become quite tame lately...spending lots of time at my house, enjoying intimate dinners out, craving each other instead of an audience. We go through phases...and right now we are kind of in a survival phase. We are surviving. We need to nurture US more than anything. I know we will do crazy things again...we will most certainly have sex for an audience again...we will probably enjoy watching people at the swinger's club again...we are sure to come up with some naughty new adventures too.

We wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy 2011...stay tuned...there is more of us yet to come!

Missy

2010 - A YEAR OF CHANGE

First things first. We are just fine. If you happened to read a dramatic and horrid post by me recently, and now it is deleted, know this: I wrote it in a state of anger and pain. I wrote it with raw emotion. And I wrote things that I shouldn't have. I wasn't telling it like it was. I am leaving it at that. I WAS WRONG.

Steven and I are great. Really great. This is going to be a big year for us. Massive changes are happening on my side...my husband moved out. My place of work abruptly closed down on New Year's Eve. I am exploring this foreign world of unemployment and single parenting. So far so good. I am tough. I haven't let myself throw a pity party for more than a few seconds, and I am pretty proud of that. I am being proactive with my life now. I feel a sense of freedom that I haven't felt in years. I feel like I am being the best mom I could possibly be. And I know that while things won't be easy, that I am headed in the right direction.

I also know that Steven and I are headed in the right direction. This period of time where he is still in his existing relationship and I have this new found freedom is sure to test us. HOWEVER, I can do this. We can do this.

If last night was a glimpse into what life with him would be like, I am not letting him go for anything. It was my first night at home, without kids. They were with their dad. And Steven came over to spend the night. We had the nicest evening together, enjoying "playing house" and not being in a hotel room. We went to dinner, had drinks together at home, watched TV (don't worry...he paused Biggest Loser to give me a real good fucking on the family room floor), and had a glorious night of sleep (and more sex) together.

It felt RIGHT. I could see it. See us. Now, I am not stupid...I realize that between the two of us there are a fuck load of kids. And I realize with a fuck load of kids that may or may not be around that having sex on the family room floor during Biggest Loser is probably not as likely. HOWEVER, it wasn't *that* aspect of it. It was the being real, doing real things, in a real environment that felt so right. So perfect.

I feel like we have turned a corner. December was fucking rough. I could not have had another hardship happen or it would have done me in. I am STILL wading through some hard stuff. However, the constant has been Steven. Yes, we fight and fight ugly. We are passionate, and sometimes in a bad way. Yet, he is there. He is always there. The day I found out that my workplace was closing, I called him crying. He was there in minutes holding me. That night he laid with me while I processed the whole thing and what it meant. He let me cry, be angry, and work through it. It was snowing that night, and amongst the dark cloud that I felt I was under, his warm lips amongst snowflakes by "our lake" made it all manageable.

We have been through more this past year than many people experience in years of marriage. Some of it has been beautiful. Some ugly. Some scary. Some exciting. All of it new.

This WILL be an amazing year. I can't WAIT to see where it leads us. I have SO MUCH that I am looking forward to. I am learning that I can't be a control freak all of the time. I have no idea where I will end up as far as a job goes. I have no idea what my living situation will be. I have no idea how the process of slowly merging our lives together will work. I have no idea how getting divorced will work. There are SO MANY UNKNOWNS!

And yet, I am relatively relaxed. Sometimes losing big things is what it takes to realize what is important. My kids. My health. My faith. My family. My friends.

My Steven.

DEEP THOUGHTS ON SWINGING

So, the weekend before last we went to the Swinger's Club. And we saw the most action, up close and personal that we have seen there to date.

We have toyed with all kinds of scenarios, from threesomes to same room sex. I think that we have concluded that full blown swinging is not our thing. We are both too possessive, too needy, too damaged by our spouses to invite the potential issues into our relationship that swinging can bring. We have no desire to see each other with other people.

The idea of another woman has been toyed with, I think that with the right person and under the right circumstances that this could work. It would take a lot of prep work though, rules, expectations, goals, etc. It certainly could not be something taken lightly by either of us.

Same room sex is something that I think we could and would do in a heartbeat if the other couple seemed like a good fit and all were in agreement on the situation. We both like the idea of watching and being watched, and this seems like something that we would both find really hot.

So, when we were at the Swinger's club, there were a few different scenarios happening, and we were right in the middle of them. Fully clothed, non-participating, spectators. I liked watching female on female oral. I liked close up penetration views. I liked watching blow jobs. I liked watching boobs being played with by men or women.

I liked being around people that are so comfortable in their own skin. Seeing different bodies and appreciating them all.

I liked the sexually charged vibe that was around us.

And I liked that for us, it was foreplay. It was a great way for us to get REALLY turned on, and then devour each other.

However, what I liked the absolute MOST, now that I have had a week to think about it, was how I feel when I am in an environment like that with Steven.

I feel VERY safe. Safer than I have ever felt with anyone before.

The way his hands are always on me, whether around my waist, holding my hand, touching my arm. Feeling his presence puts me at ease. I appreciate the fact that he confidently can interact with people, and I have no fears of him getting us into a situation that I wouldn't want. I love that he knows what is okay, and what isn't, and we respect each other completely. I love that I feel taken care of, adored, and that it is always a JOINT experience.

Some of the women were there with men that were obviously really just into everything BUT their woman. I like that Steven and I can look at other people, appreciate the situation TOGETHER, but he isn't getting his kicks from THEM, we are getting them TOGETHER.

We are 10 months into this relationship. I don't think we will ever become sexually bored or in a rut. We are just such highly sexual people! And I love that we talk about ideas and scenarios and fantasies, and that they change. What I would have done 6 months ago is different today. I am *almost* certain that full fledged swinging won't become a part of US. However, I think that there are things we have talked about and haven't done, things we haven't discovered, and adventures to be had! The bottom line is that whatever we do, we do as a team, and we do it because we BOTH have something to gain from it.

I am growing into my own authentic sexual self, and that is fun. It is fun to have such a perfect match as a partner that is helping me to do this!

HIS TONGUE + MY PUSSY = WOW!

Don't you hate it when people say that something is the best/nicest/greatest whatever that you have ever done/seen/etc. and you know that they are just "saying it?"

Yeah, well I do.

So I am going to say something THAT IS NOT A LIE. THAT IS NOT TO FEED SOMEBODIES EGO. THAT IS NOT BEING SAID FOR THE HELL OF IT.

Steven gave me THE BEST ORAL I have EVER EVER EVER had this morning.

No lie.

Oral sex is tricky. It is very personal. Very intimate. Very submissive. When you are having regular sex, you can control quite a bit. I can move my hips, change positions or angles, adjust my body so that he is hitting just the right spot. I can have rapid fire orgasms, or I can play a mind game and hold out. The same goes for GIVING oral...guys like it (and need it) differently. Some guys get off at the thought of a blow job, others make you work a little harder for that glorious warm, wet finale.

Oral is different for me than many women. I like the fullness that a cock gives me. Mouths and/or fingers can take a bit more to get me off. HOWEVER, some of the most amazing orgasms come from oral. They are different, and oh-so-good. And sometimes, JUST WHAT I WANT.

That being said, Steven has always been good down there. Sometimes when he heads south I am just not wanting it, and I say so. Just the other day he was joking that I didn't want him messing around with any oral, that I just wanted his cock, and wanted it THEN AND NOW.

So, last night we have a glorious night out. We start with hungry, needy sex, where I lost count of the orgasms, and it was just crazy good. We went to dinner, had drinks, got my van stuck in mud while trying to spin around on ice, and then retreated to our hotel room again. More hot sex followed...we watched some porn (which was very, very, very hot...), and had a great night of sleep together.

This morning, we ordered room service, and while waiting for it to come we were playing around. Steven was licking and sucking on my nipples, and all of a sudden I HAD TO HAVE HIS MOUTH ON MY PUSSY. So I asked for it.

And let me tell you, it was magic. It was amazing. The man has mad skills. I have known this from the beginning, but he has PERFECTED the art of ORAL ON MISSY. Holy shit, within a couple of minutes I had a mind blowing orgasm.

And to have it followed up by breakfast in bed and feeling totally pampered and loved and adored by the love of my life? Exquisite. I am still laughing at his possessive tone that he took when the room service arrived and he told me to cover my boobs before opening the door.

So...it was a wonderful time together. However, I fucked up. It isn't easy for me to readily admit it, but I did. I chose to act like a brat at the end of our time together this morning. I chose to get upset over something stupid. He needed to call his wife and check in, and I got pissy. NOT COOL.

I love to lose myself in the fake world where spouses don't exist, and we are each other's one and only.

And then when the cold water hits my face and I remember that right now, right this second, today, that this is NOT my reality, sometimes I can't fake it. It bugs me. I hate it.

So, I acted like a brat. And it wasn't cool. I apologized later, and I am truly sorry. However, it sucks. It sucks to not be IT. It sucks to not be the ONLY ONE.

I have decided that I need to stop viewing it as threatening. I need to have the mindset that our spouses are just TECHNICALITIES. That they are a piece of the puzzle, and that is the reality. And married or not, we share kids with them, and divorce won't make them disappear. So I had better get used to that.

And you know what? He was WITH ME. I mean, really. What a brat I was being. He wasn't pouring her coffee, kissing her boobs, licking her pussy, enjoying her company. He was doing that with ME. Every day he chooses to spend time on ME. Talking, texting, being together. He gives ME that time. He finds ways to be away from home to be with ME. He loves ME. It is with ME that he wants a future.

So, after having these deep thoughts, I have vowed to myself to be more courteous about this. To appreciate the time I get more than I already do. To recognize the great gift that our time together is. And to remember that he gives ME sooooo much, and even when it feels like not enough, that it has to be enough for now.

When Steven and I said our goodnights via texting tonight, he sent me this:

"I loved being out with you last night. Being together just makes me feel fantastic. We are meant to be together. For sure."

My thoughts EXACTLY.

I'M THINKING ABOUT...

SEXUAL THOUGHTS:

Nipple clamps...we might go check some out at the adult store tomorrow.

Watching people having sex.

People watching US.

Giving a long, take-your-time blow job.

NON-SEXUAL THOUGHTS:

I have recently reconnected with an old friend on Facebook. I saw her a couple of years ago at my high school reunion, and in a nutshell, she has had a rough life. Her mom died when she was a kid, her dad is an ass, she had a baby young with a criminal, had another baby a few years later, married him, and he died a few years ago in a car wreck. Tragic. We have woven in and out of each other's lives, but I think of her often.

The point?

She recently remarried. And had pictures on her Facebook. And while the love that she shares with her new husband is clear, what made me warm-fuzzy-hopeful-smiley was the KIDS. I know that two are hers for sure. The other kids are his, maybe one is shared? Not sure. BUT THERE WERE ALL OF THESE KIDS AND THESE HAPPY PARENTS and I loved it. Positively loved it. Lots. Of. Kids.

My second non-sexual thought of the day is that volatile relationships can work. There are times that I think that Steven and I are so fucked up with each other that I could just run away and never look back. And today, today I thought about a couple that is near and dear to me, and they have been for over half of my life. And while fighting isn't good, good couples fight. And when I was in high school, I used to babysit for them. And one afternoon after a particulary heated conversation between them over something lame, the wife and I got in the car with the baby and she tore off down the driveway in her SUV and took out every single light that lined their driveway as we drove off. I remember snickering, being amused. Within minutes she was on her cell phone with her husband, and after a little more bickering all was well and we were buying him a Blizzard at Dairy Queen and heading home. They just celebrated their 20 year wedding anniversary and are one of the most amazing couples ever.

The point?

I would drive over a bunch of lights lining a driveway out of frustration with Steven. However, I would be right back with a Blizzard as well.

I know he feels the same way.

HALLMARK, WHERE IS THE LINE OF CARDS FOR PEOPLE HAVING AFFAIRS?

There will never be the right words to tell Steven how I feel about him.

I will never find a Hallmark card that says what I am feeling. I have looked. There isn't a SO GLAD WE ARE HAVING THIS AFFAIR line of cards. Yet. There should be.

He has changed my life. For the better. He has taught me to push my ability to love to the fullest. I am learning to be a more forgiving person. He has taught me the joy of enjoying a meal with someone that you love. I have learned to make mmmmmmmmmmmm noises when food is good.

I have become very comfortable with my body. I appreciate my curves more than I ever have. How can I not when he is so crazy about them?

I have been pushed sexually past any limits I thought were possible. I have done things I never in a million years thought that I would do. And I liked them. I am BRAVE. SO BRAVE. I have learned to relish all that is sexual and sensual.

I have never liked kissing someone as much as I like kissing Steven.

I have never fought with someone the way I can with Steven.

My relationship with him has made me laugh harder, cry more, think bigger, and love more than I thought possible.

We have done so much together in our almost 9 months together. There is so much I still want to do with him. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I imagine us doing various things...big things like trips and small things like shopping.

It is almost hard for me to remember my life before him. And now when I look back at pictures of me before him, the unhappiness is so obvious that it hurts.

He is an amazing man. I admire him so much. I love hearing about him with his kids. I love seeing him with his youngest child. They stopped in to see me at work today and my heart melted watching him being a daddy.

I admire him professionally. He is driven. Hard working. His work voice turns me on (as long as it isn't directed at me!) and I want to know the ins and outs of his job.

I admire him spiritually. He knows a ton. He has pushed me to learn...more about my own beliefs, learn about his beliefs, to question things, to take responsibility for my own knowledge.

I admire him sexually. He is adventurous. He is BRAVE. He is confident. Sexy. Giving. Loving.

Steven is the best thing that has ever happened to me. There are times that I want to hit him. There are times that we fight so bad I could just write him off forever. There are times that we say horrible things to each other. However, when I look at the big picture, I need him.

I need this. I need this relationship more than anything. And sometimes I take it for granted. Sometimes I don't appreciate him, or this relationship like I should. There are times that I don't do or say the right things.

I need to do this right. I need to do whatever I can to make this work. I need to work harder, smarter, faster, and sweeter at this relationship than I have ever worked at anything.

And so I will. I will do this. I will. I can. I can do anything I put my mind to.

And then when I have done that, I will work on talking to HALLMARK about the line of cards for people, and situations, like this. WHEN YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR AFFAIR...now available at Hallmark. I can just see it now!

FUCK ME SILLY

Sometimes getting completely lost in sex is the most amazing feeling ever.

To lose all awareness of everything...time, your surroundings, everything.

I did this last night.

And I REALLY NEEDED IT.

Round 1 was great, intense sex. Kisses, eye contact, oral...me getting a little emotional, and Steven whispering to just relax and let us do what we do best. Love each other. A little bit of everything, including some anal with Steven on top. This is really a pretty sweet position...you get the intimacy of being face to face while getting the naughtiness of anal. That is nice right there! Climax after climax...mmmmm...it was good. Some snuggle time afterwards was amazing too.

Round 2 was great, intense sex. YET, it was different.

At one point, Steven's cock was thrusting in and out of my mouth. His warm lips were teasing my nipples. I was working my friend, MR. HOT PINK VIBRATOR, around my clit, and occasionally sliding it in and out of me. MOST of my arousal was coming from is cock in my mouth. He would occasionally take it out, stroke it himself, and watching that right by my face was pretty hot. I flirted with mini-orgasms...not wanting to stop...letting the intensity grow...Steven was enjoying watching me play with MR. HOT PINK VIBRATOR...it was almost too much going on at once.

When he climbed on top of me and slid himself inside me (have I mentioned that feeling our bodies connected feels like I am just where I belong?) I continued to let MR. HOT PINK VIBRATOR buzz around my clit. Steven pounded and pounded, I looked at him, kissed him, touched his face. I knew he was close, and I was on the verge of something crazy. The knowledge that he was close to cumming was just what I needed...within seconds of each other we both explode orgasmically...and whatever the fuck noises I made cracked Steven up. It was seriously a crazy intense, long lasting, mind blowing orgasm. I felt what control I had of my body leave me, and I did a laugh/moan/scream/almost crying thing. I know I laughed...have you ever felt SO GOOD that laughing is all that you can do? It was like that. I was FUCKED SILLY.

My "real" life is in transition right now. My husband is going to slowly start to transition out of our house. I have talked to a lawyer. We need to talk to our children next week. My husband and I are on the same page...we know that we are doing what we need to do. What is best for both of us. There is no ugliness. No fighting. However, it is a lot for me to wrap my mind around. I am happy, sad, excited, scared. I am EXHAUSTED. I don't know when I have had a great night of sleep last. I am worried that Steven and I won't survive this transition I am going through. I am worried that when his time comes, when he is ready to dissolve his marriage, that I won't be what he needs. That I won't be a good support. There is SO MUCH on my mind.

And you know what? What I can't stop thinking about is HOW STRONG I AM. I can do this. My kids will be fine. They have two parents that love them, and will always take care of them. They will be fine. And I will too. I am also thinking that I am ONE STEP closer to where I belong...

This is a journey. A day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute journey. It isn't always pretty. It isn't always easy. It is exhausting. But, if I can lose myself for a few moments and embrace the true love that is between Steven and myself, I am okay. In that moment, I am okay.

I think great sex is like therapy. At least for me.

THE QUIET

There is a line in the song SOBER by Pink that has been running through my head for the majority of today.

THE QUIET SCARES ME 'CAUSE IT SCREAMS THE TRUTH.

Too much has happened this week. I am in no position to blog about it right now. In a nutshell, in addition to what happened in my Monday post, my husband read a text message from Steven later that night. A text that said, GOODNIGHT I LOVE YOU MISSY, or something close to that.

Conversations have happened. Tears have been shed. It has been a hard week of being honest, being real, and accepting what our marriage has become. We are both at fault. I can't stress enough what a good person my husband is. What a wonderful father he is. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body. We simply don't make a good team in marriage.

My emotions have been all over the map. I am happy. Sad. Scared. Excited. Nervous. Confident. Calm. Tense. A fucking mess, in general.

This has been hard on Steven. He doesn't know what to make of it all. He is being thrown into the blender that has my life in it, spinning and spinning...

I have had too much quiet today. I needed it. Yet, I didn't. I took my kids and made them victims of therapeutic photography...the end result was great pictures of them with the beauty of fall in the background...and it allowed me to catch my breath. To not think. To simply relish the beauty of being outside in gorgeous weather, with my children that I could stare at for hours. Their eyes, their hands. The awkwardness of my pre-teen. The confidence of my 7 year old. One with baby teeth, one about to start orthodontia. One with intensity, one with a glint that scares me.

I need to get my head straight though. Once my kids were in bed this evening, I was alone. With my thoughts. My husband had made plans and wasn't home. I was sitting here, in a too quiet house, the kids asleep.

THE QUIET SCARES ME 'CAUSE IT SCREAMS THE TRUTH.

And I started to have a panic attack. A real, honest to goodness panic attack. I haven't had one like this in years. And I didn't know what to do. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't be calm. Sitting, crying, feeling helpless. It scared the shit out of me. And in that quiet, I had to get it together.

The logical thing would be to talk myself down. Think realistically. Try to be rational.

And you know what I did?

I turned on the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader tryouts and ate Teddy Grahams.

I felt my heart stop racing. My muscles relax. The tears stopped. And as I am watching these skinny cute girls compete to make the first round of cuts, I gathered my thoughts. Found my strength.

And when I had found it, all by myself, my cell phone went off. And what I read surprised me. It was one of my best friends. I had finally confessed my marital issues to her this week. It was hard, I got the reaction I had expected. She is a hard core TILL DEATH DO US PART kind of girl, and if she even had a clue that I was having an affair, well, that friendship would be over. I left her house the other day feeling relatively unsupported, feeling like she just didn't understand.

Yet...this text I got from her tonight said: THINKING ABOUT YOU. YOU CAN CALL ME ANYTIME. EVEN NOW IF YOU NEED TO. YOU HAVE BEEN ON MY MIND ALL DAY. I REALLY WANT TO BE HERE FOR YOU.

I texted back, asking if she was psychic because I had just had a "moment".

I needed to hear that from her. I need her to unconditionally love and support me, even if I am taking a path that she can't fathom. And while I am not sure that she will, I feel more confident about it. She is trying. She is stretching. Something made her grab her phone and send that to me at 10 PM tonight.

Sometimes we are so busy, so wrapped up in our lives, that we don't allow the quiet to ever be there. I am so guilty of that. There is never quiet. I am never alone with my thoughts. And because of that THE QUIET SCARES ME 'CAUSE IT SCREAMS THE TRUTH.

I am listening to the quiet. Trying to hear the truth. MY TRUTH. Trying to maintain my relationships with those that I love, while taking care of myself as well.

And I won't lie. It is fucking harder than anything. Case in point...I popped 3 Tylenol PM and wrote this. I am trying to escape right this very second. However, by writing, I am processing. I am thinking. I am sorting. I am finding calm in random things like cheerleaders and toddler snacks.

And waiting for clarity.

IF ONLY LIFE HAD A REMOTE CONTROL

Sometimes I wish that life came with a remote control.

I would like the option to hit pause, and enjoy my kids at certain ages and stages just a little longer. I would like to hit stop, and then rewind when I make a bad decision. I would like to hit stop when things are just too hard, and play again when I feel strong enough to do so. And I would like to hit play when things are going just perfect and I can continue along.

Right now I would love to hit fast forward.

My life is daunting to me at this moment. The past 5 days were glorious. My husband was out of town (this never happens), and I had a good taste of what being the only parent felt like. And I am beyond capable. I sell myself short. I don't need anyone.

Steven and I enjoyed the added time that was available, and spent a few hours on Thursday afternoon and Friday morning together at my house. The kids were at school, and we enjoyed just having mellow "real" time. Time that wasn't in a hotel room. Talking, looking at pictures, just hanging out. Don't get me wrong...you know that the opportunity was taken to have sex...bent over the bathroom counter, looking in the mirror that is in my headboard...good intense, efficient sex. What I refer to as GOOD FUCKING.

We had Saturday evening together as well...all night. Grandma took my kids, and he was able to finagle a work excuse to not go home. We had an evening that started with great lovemaking, followed by an amazing dinner, drinks, dancing, and just really enjoying each other. The night ended with singing and dancing in the rain by our lake, and then retreating to our hotel room for more great sex, and sleeping next to each other which is a real luxury. The night was so perfect that I am choosing to leave the description at this...sometimes things are too intimate, too special, and too US for words.

So, here we are. Monday night. And while I would love to rewind and have the past 5 days happen again, I would also like to hit fast forward. AN ENTIRE YEAR.

I took a huge leap today. HUGE. I spent the day with my parents, and finally had the courage to tell them about the state of my marriage. I was very honest. They weren't surprised...I have eluded to marital issues all year. However, this afternoon I told them everything. Of course I did not share anything about Steven (or any other affairs that I have had). I shared what have been my issues. It took a lot for me to say them out loud. To say I HAVE A HUSBAND THAT IS A HARD WORKER, A GREAT FATHER, BUT IS NOT MEETING MY NEEDS AS A HUSBAND. HE HAS A GAMBLING ADDICTION. HE HAS SEXUAL ISSUES THAT HE REFUSES TO SEE A DOCTOR FOR. I HAVE BEEN LONELY, REJECTED, AND UNHAPPY FOR AWHILE. The night before he went out of town last week I had been feeling under the weather and asked him to rub my back and lay with me so I could fall asleep. His response was that he couldn't play poker online and do that. This is just one example of ways that this marriage is not much of a marriage anymore.

My family has always adored my husband. I know that my siblings have thought of him as a sibling, and my parents have thought of him as a son. He has been in our lives since I was 16. They see him with our children, and admire what a wonderful father he is. They see him tirelessly work hard for our family. And I get this. He is a great guy. A nice guy. However, he isn't enough for me. He isn't what is best for me. We have had a broken marriage for years, and I am done with the acting. The fakeness. The acting. It is time to face the music and take care of me for once.

So, there I was. Sitting outside on a beautiful fall day, crying. Talking to my parents. And their response and reaction was completely different than I had anticipated. I was prepared for them to encourage counseling. To tell me to pray about it. To tell me that I could do this, that we just needed to work harder.

Instead I received more support than I could have imagined. It wasn't even suggested that staying together was an option. They both said that they saw this coming. I was encouraged to be responsible and to start saving money. To think about me. To take care of myself. And after I got home this evening, my mother called to tell me to keep talking, remember to take care of myself, and that they loved me.

I sat on the stairs, hiding from my kids, and cried. I feel like this was one of my biggest challenges, and I did it. I have family support. I am loved. I can do this.

I wish that I could see ahead a year. See what my life will be like. What my relationship with Steven will look like. The amount of unknowns scares me. I like organization. Things to be lined out. Schedules. Plans. And NONE of that happens in situations like these.

I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be without a spouse. I don't want to be financially in a worse position. I don't want to adjust my lifestyle drastically from how it is now. I want to wave a wand, and POOF...have Steven in the place of my husband. And life happily ever after. I want to avoid the messiness that is ahead of me.

And I can't. I can't. While in my heart I know that what I am doing is for ME and not for Steven, I would be lying to say that he isn't a factor. It would be real easy to continue living how I am. I could trade the marital issues in exchange for the comforts of everything else. I could continue as is. My husband has said to do what I need to do (like have an affair) as long as I am not blatant about it. I could keep that up. I could keep my children with both of their parents. I would be lying if I didn't admit that knowing that I have a future with Steven isn't a big motivator.

Yet, I need to take care of me. I need out. I need a new start. I need to do this right. I want a marriage done right. More than anything. I know in my heart that I am meant to be with Steven. There is no doubt. And I know that it will happen. I have moments of doubt...moments that I worry he will just say fuck it, and decide that his marriage isn't that bad. That he can stick it out and stay married until his kids are older. That I am not what he needs. That this is too hard.

I have to trust that things will happen the way they are supposed to. I have to trust that regardless of my relationship with Steven, that I am doing what I need to do, for me. I have to realize that I have a great support system within my family and a few of my friends.

I need to remember to breathe, and that fast forwarding isn't an option. I need to work towards a divorce that impacts my children minimally. I need to think about myself and what I need.

I need to trust that Steven and I will look back on these trying time and know that we did the right thing, for the right reasons, and that it was worth it. And when that time comes, I want to relish it. And most likely I will want to hit pause and savor that moment, and then hit play so that we can continue our lives. Together.

PHASES

Affairs are interesting things.

I am feeling fairly reflective today, as next week marks EIGHT MONTHS that Steven and I have been together. EIGHT MONTHS. Wow.

I have been thinking about how we have had phases, and we seem to hit those phases at different times. There was the I HATE WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE phase...Steven went through it first, then I did. There was the I WANT EVERY SECOND OF YOUR TIME TO MYSELF phase...again, we hit this at different times. There is the WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR SPOUSE phase. And of course the I NEED YOU, YES, I AM SUPER NEEDY AND YOU NEED TO MEET THOSE NEEDS phase, and while we have both weaved in and out of this...it is still there, and still has the right to resurface now and then. The trick is to realize that this phase is occurring, and act accordingly (this goes for the needy one, and the one that needs to deal with the needy one).

After a summer of pushing way too hard to see how much we could possibly see each other every hour/day/week/month, regardless of the price paid at home or work, we have mellowed out. Kids are settled back in school, we are buckled down at our jobs. While this summer was priceless, we both pushed our limits a bit too much. I have no regrets though...there will never be another summer like this in our relationship. I have a head full of memories...some beautiful, some funny, some painful, some intense, and that is something that I will forever cherish. And here we are, trotting along towards a wonderful time of year, yet knowing it is uncharted territory.

It is almost too much for me to think about this being the last holiday season with my current family situation (read: marriage). There are such mixed emotions that come with that. It is almost easier for me to NOT think like that, but I can't help it. It is my reality, and while it is what it is, it is still overwhelming. Having thoughts of WHAT WILL BE keeps me focused on the positive, and reminds me of what I am working towards.

I am so reflective on my life a year ago. To think that I was lowering myself to the likes of Adrien makes me want to vomit. I was such a sad person then. So lonely. So lost. So hungry for SOMETHING...ANYTHING. Honestly not caring if I was being used, because being used feels so much better than just existing.

I am also overwhelmed with the WHY of this relationship. WHY did this happen? What made me RANDOMLY post something on Craigslist that bleak February day? Why did Steven answer it? Why did this happen? To me? To him? To us? Was this who I was meant to be with? Does it work like that? WHY WHY WHY, if that is the case, why NOW? Why when we are so intertwined with our spouses and kids? Why, when this is HARD? Wouldn't have this been easier a few years ago? A decade ago? Why does it feel so good when I am in his arms? Why why why?

And was I really LOOKING for this? I don't think so. I honestly think that I would have been content with a good fuck friend. Really. I can tolerate my husband. Hell, I even like being around him most of the time. And now that I have had SO MUCH MORE...I realize that he would NEVER have been enough. Ever. So maybe I was looking for this, subconsciously? Maybe when I posted that on Craigslist, deep down I knew that I needed so much more.

All reflections aside, there is one thing that keeps lingering in my mind. Like a pulse that I can't stop.

YOU ARE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

Ten years ago I had a fortune cookie that said that. And I liked it. I kept it taped to my bathroom mirror for a few years, until it became ragged and I threw it away. That phrase has stuck with me though, because sometimes you just KNOW when you are headed in the right direction.

And I know that with utmost certainty. Right now.

I. Am. Headed. In. The. Right. Direction.

The messiness of having an affair is a non-issue. We are so much more than that. We have goals, specific, measurable, goals. We respect each other's goals. We have a common goal, and our own personal goals that need to happen to reach that common goal.

I have lost my fight. When you know something is so real, so there, and so tangible, you just let go and let it be. I have no jealousy regarding his wife. I don't think that he has any regarding my husband. These were such REAL issues to us previously, and now they aren't. It is liberating. I dreamt about his wife the other night, and it weirded me out. Yet, it also had great significance to me. The dream was civil, albeit weird. And it left me feeling peaceful, and if anything, a little sad. Sad for her, sad for my husband. They are the ones that will have lost. And we will have gained. Yet, my hope for both of them is that when this is said and done, that this can be a positive for them too. They are both ideal partners for lots of people in this world, and happiness is out there for them too.

So...while I can't promise to never say anything negative about our current spouses again, I have lost my fight. I don't care. I know where I rank. Steven knows where he ranks with me. And being insecure is okay, but letting it interfere with all that is wonderful about US is not.

Last night as I laid in Steven's arms, our bodies in a tangle of limbs, his hands cupped my face. We breathed each other in, sweet kisses were exchanged. And he says to me "This is it. This is what intimacy is." Just us, being us. Nothing fake. Nothing surface. Being vulnerable. Being real. Being silly...laughing, joking, kissing, teasing.

FINALLY. I finally can take a deep breath, and appreciate this relationship for the phase that it is currently in. A phase I am calling YOU ARE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO...

I have told Steven numerous times that this blog is a book in progress.

I have spent more time than I will admit scouring the shelves of Barnes and Noble looking for a book that mirrors my situation. NADA. Sure, there are TONS of books on being the VICTIM of extramarital affairs. And I am bothered by most of them...I mean, how many people are really VICTIMS? Yes, there are some people that have spouses that cheat for NO REASON. And I agree that they are victims. HOWEVER, let's just be real honest here...if it is all good at home, why would someone stray? Seriously, having an affair is a lot of fucking work. Why go to the trouble, take the risk, spend the money, and work twice as hard to maintain more than one relationship IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? I mean, I am a motivated and energetic person naturally, but I sure as hell am not so motivated or energetic to seek out something without just cause.

So, there are plenty of books that will talk shit about people like me (THE DREADED HUSBAND STEALING SLUT THAT DOES NAUGHTY THINGS TO YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOU REFUSE TO DO), or people like Steven (THE WIFE STEALING MAN THAT IS EVERYTHING THAT HE ISN'T AND THEN SOME AND YES, HE HAS THE STAMINA OF SOMEONE HALF HIS AGE).

Then there are the books that are about MOVING PAST THE AFFAIR. Forgiveness. Forgetting. The lesson learned. Rebuilding trust. Blah blah blah. I respect these books though, because I do believe that affairs can serve as a LOUD wake up call for marriages. And in a marriage where maybe there were issues, but not an overall bad relationship, this can work. It has not worked for me, but I know people that it has, and more power to both parties for doing the work that comes with rebuilding a damaged relationship.

HOWEVER, I have yet to find a book that reaches out and touches all of the complexities that Steven and I have. Some of the complexities are things that I haven't (or won't) blog about. Some I have blogged about. Some are things that we haven't even encountered yet, but inevitably will.

So...when I joke about this blog being a book, I am also serious. I think that the Internet is a real blessing. People like me are able to peruse blogs, read about other people in similar situations. Read about people in very different situations. To not be judged. We are read by people daily that continue to follow our journey, support our relationship, and we do the same to other people.

If this were a book though, and I needed to dedicate it to someone, I have a list of people that it would be dedicated to. Steven and I have met people along our journey together. Some know our situation. Some probably assume it. Some are most likely clueless. Yet, they are people that remember us, know our names, and the sheer normalcy of being treated like a REAL-LIFE-ACTUAL-COUPLE is indescribable. Right now, today, our relationships with most co-workers, kids, friends, and family are HIS and MINE. Not OURS. So these people, however shallow the relationships are, however surface they are, they are OURS. Our people. Our relationships TOGETHER. As a COUPLE. And that is a beautiful thing.

Those people are:

- T: WORKS AT MOTEL 6, GIVES US GREAT DEALS AND WANTS TO BE OUR FRIEND.

- ALEX: WORKS AT A BAR THAT WE LIKE TO GO TO. YOUNG, CUTE, FRIENDLY, NICE.

- SANDY: GROUCHY OLDER LADY THAT STEVEN SOFTENED. BARTENDER AT A PLACE THAT WE LIKE TO GO TO. STEVEN GOT HER SINGING AND DANCING RECENTLY, AND THIS WOMAN LOVES STEVEN! AND IT CRACKS ME UP!

- HEIDI: ANOTHER BARTENDER. ANOTHER BAR. I SWEAR WE AREN'T ALCOHOLICS.

- TONYA: ANOTHER BARTENDER. WORKS AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT THAT STEVEN CALLS CHINGS, BUT THAT ISN'T THE REAL NAME. SHE MOST LIKELY WENT TO SCHOOL WITH PEOPLE I KNOW, SO STEVEN SHUSHES ME IF I GET TOO CHATTY.

- M: CO-WORKER OF MINE. KNOWS THE SCOOP. TOO DUMB TO REPEAT IT TO ANYONE IF HER LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. SERIOUSLY, SHE IS THAT DENSE.

- S: FRIEND OF MINE. HASN'T MET STEVEN YET, BUT WANTS TO. LEAST JUDGEMENTAL FRIEND I HAVE.

- B: A RELATIVE OF MINE. SHE ISN'T STUPID, AND KNOWS THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON. HAS NOT ASKED ENOUGH QUESTIONS TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER. TRUST HER WITH MY LIFE.

- F: ANOTHER FRIEND. HAS MET STEVEN. MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER COMES AND GOES, BUT I TRUST HER COMPLETELY. WE HAVE BEEN THERE FOR EACH OTHER THROUGH HARD TIMES, AND SHE HAS BEEN IN MY SHOES A TIME OR TWO. IS A GREAT ALIBI IF NEEDED.

It is strange to have this diverse group of people that are a part of US. And today, as I was thinking about this, I realized how TEMPORARY this group is. How we will reach a point where everyone is OURS. Everyone can be a part of US. And while that excites me, what excites me more is getting to the point of being able to THANK these people that we have now. To let them know that we liked knowing their names, and them knowing ours. That we loved that they remembered us when we walked into a bar, and remembered our drinks of choice. That there is SOMETHING MEMORABLE about US. I am fairly convinced that it is Steven that they remember, but it is also US. That it was nice having T know our situation, so that when we get a room at the Motel 6 she knows the deal. Why we are there. I am not a hooker. He is not a pimp. We are normal people, with lives and kids and jobs, and normal people often find themselves in marriages that aren't working.

And lastly, I challenge everyone reading this to think twice about the people you encounter every day. Is that someone like you? Someone in your situation? Whether or not you agree with our situation, and regardless of your own situation, stop and think about it. Steven and I had met at a business park for a few minutes last week...we were both working and snuck off to meet up. And while talking, I saw Steven observing something that was happening in the parking lot. I paid closer attention, and saw a woman get in her car and a man get in his truck. And she drove off. I made eye contact with Steve, and we both got the giggles.

Perhaps we were wrong, but it looked awfully familiar. An awful lot like us. As the man sat in his truck texting someone, Steven speculated that maybe he was messaging his wife, telling her he was running late or something. You never know...but if your situation was a book,WHO WOULD YOU DEDICATE YOUR BOOK TO?

THINKING...AND IT EXCITES ME!

I woke up an hour ago, and while listening to the rain from the coziness of my bed, I started thinking.

Thinking about how filled with hope that I am right now. Thinking about how bright the future seems.

Thinking that the rain, and beginnings of Fall in the air are symbolic of another season that Steven and I will be together.

Thinking that when this started, it was Winter. Thinking that the 7th of September marks 7 months of this roller coaster ride that I am so very thankful for.

Thinking that when I saw him last night, he looked super yummy.

Thinking that when we walked on OUR BEACH in the dark last night, holding hands, that I wanted time to stop.

Thinking that when when I was on my knees in the sand, the light drizzle of rain falling, the sound of the water rippling, and the warmth and hardness of his cock in my mouth that life seemed pretty much perfect in that moment.

Thinking that when the rain started coming down harder, that moving under some trees was a good idea.

Thinking that being bent over, hands against the moss on an old tree, a branch tangled in my hair, and feeling Steven slide into me was amazing. It's a height thing.

Thinking that I can't WAIT to be US. Totally and completely US. To be as intertwined with each other's lives as you can possibly be.

Thinking that weekly we become more a part of the real lives that the other leads. We learn more. Feel more. Think more. Plan more. Share more. Experience more.

Thinking that I am head over heels in love with Steven.

Thinking that I am pretty darn fortunate.

Thinking that I am excited for our future and what it holds.

THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS. WE ARE CRAZZZZZZZY.

Evidence of another wonderful night together...yes, we begged, borrowed, and stole to get a sleepover last night. And when I left the hotel room this morning, Steven sent me this picture on his cell phone.

This is sooooo us. I mean, really...the MOTEL 6 logo on the phone just really seals the deal on the white trash factor...combined with the energy drink, cigarette, lighter, vibrator, lube, RUSH, gum, and......drum roll.......STEVE'S WEDDING RING. Yes, that is right, because REMOVING THE RING BEFORE FUCKING MAKES IT...never mind. It just makes it not fall off when lube is involved. You thought I had some backasswards justification happening, didn't you?

Yeah...I am not THAT nuts. Yet.

Let's just tell it like it is.

We are a bit nuts. Not psycho, dangerous around kids, watch out or I will steal your cat, I talk to myself all the time, look at me wrong and I will bite you nuts.

Nope, not that kind of nuts.

Nuts as in WE ARE REALLY GOOD, UPSTANDING CITIZENS THAT HAVE JOBS, AND LOTS OF KIDS, AND MORTGAGES, AND SPOUSES, AND CHURCHES, AND FRIENDS, AND HOBBIES, AND WE CAN HOLD AN INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION, FIGHT A WICKED FIGHT, AND DAMN IT WE ARE CUTE....BUT....we have this inner freak, party it up, run around and be silly, let's pretend we don't have responsibilities, yes that is us with the loud rap music dancing in the minivan....nuts.

THAT kind of nuts.

I asked Steve this morning if I was his mid life crisis. He refused to answer because he said it is a really dumb question.

In a sense though, we ARE each other's crisis. Really.

Our love is not a crisis. Our sex is not a crisis. Having fun together is not a crisis. What is a crisis is that we have been FUCKING STUCK. FUCKING TRAPPED. FUCKING UNFULFILLED. And THAT my friends, is a CRISIS.

And until the day comes that we can be free to be US...we live amongst crisis. We cram a full blown relationship, complete with head over heels love, into a fraction of what legit couples have. We have sex with fervor, knowing that any sex we get at home is merely like a JELLO PUDDING CUP when we know that the MUD PIE FROM RED ROBIN is out there counting the seconds until we meet again. We fight like our lives depend on it, because sometimes I think they do. Why not freak out on the one that GETS IT THE MOST? The one that UNDERSTANDS? The one that has filled this huge void, yet when you are apart the void is bigger than any void that was there before?

People take SO MUCH for granted. I admit, I have been this way before too. Yet, when I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache from too many margaritas, I was APPRECIATIVE.

I was APPRECIATIVE of Steven's skin touching mine. I was APPRECIATIVE of the hangover, because it meant that we had a wonderful, wild, crazy night together. I was APPRECIATIVE of the bed, the sheets, the roof, the warmth, the room...because that is so much more than many, many people have. I was APPRECIATIVE of exhaustion...because what caused that was having sex for 2 hours in the middle of the night. I was APPRECIATIVE of Steven...thankful that he found me, thankful that we have each other, thankful that he is my future.

It is way too easy to take it for granted. Eleven years ago, I was a year into marriage with a new baby, working on buying a home, a decent job, and looking forward to a future of all that is bright and shiny. I was 19 going on 40. And I APPRECIATED none of it (except the baby). And after watching my marriage unravel, my sex life with my husband become bleak, and the realization that I went from a senior in high school to a van driving mommy overnight, I feel cheated. By my own doing.

SO...I am acting out a bit. Just a skosh. Steven is too. We pretend we aren't.

But really, we are.

And guess what? I am OKAY with being a bit nuts. And if this is more than a phase, I am okay with that too. If we become senior citizens that are having a few too many drinks on a Saturday night, stopping in at a Swinger's Club, and then having sex all night, WHO CARES? The reality is that we are both having needs met that have been neglected for years. Everything that we do is special, meaningful, precious. Everything we do is feeding us in some way, shape, or form.

We have so much fun together...I love being in public with him...I love seeing him get checked out by other women AND HE IS MINE and that feels amazing. I love how he makes me laugh. I love how comfortable we are together. I love that we are so intertwined with each other's lives that we often have to stop ourselves from talking about each other to our friends and families.

And I love how adventurous we are. I feel so free when we are together. I try new things. Last night I HAD MY FIRST FULL BLOWN FISTING EXPERIENCE. If you are into this, leave a comment...I want to know what other people think. I liked it. I wasn't sure if I wanted his hand moved a lot once it was in, but I certainly liked the feeling of fullness. There is certainly a level of trust and patience required, and it has a feeling of intimacy that is really hard to explain.

My only regret is that I wasn't completely sober. Next time I will be.

I have spent some time this morning reading about fisting, and what I have found is quite interesting. There is quite a bit of writing out there on the spiritual aspect of fisting. The first article I read talked about what the fist can be symbolic of from a biblical sense, complete with scripture to back it up. I was questioning this a bit, but kept researching (nerd that I am). What I found is that there are books on this, many articles, and dozens of personal testimonies from people seriously moved by the highly sensual yet spiritual experiences that they have had with fisting.

So...our two hour sexathon was amazing. All of it was great. I needed that. I haven't been with someone, ever, that I could just PLAY with for hours on end. Steve stays hard. Can cum when he wants and it isn't over if he doesn't want it to be. He is patient, and eager to please. He is excited to do it all, and loves making me happy. Steven absorbs all aspects of sex...he pays close attention, and humors me by recapping it to me when I ask afterwards.

I want to read more on fisting and do this again, ASAP.

Our finale was him cumming in my ass (he teases me because when we first met I said this was one thing I wasn't really crazy about...funny how things change...I have let him do it twice now...) while he was on top of me. This was the ultimate in intimate endings, a perfect way to end an intimate time in bed. Looking at his beautiful face, his eyes fierce with love for me, and feeling my body completely relaxed and surrendered to him...truly amazing.

Mid life crisis? Nah

Nuts? Okay, in some ways.

Building a future amongst an underground life speckled with incredible sex, crazy ass moments of juvenile behavior, good food and better drinks, Camel Lights, hotel rooms, lube, unknowing spouses, lots of kids, and above it all an incredible amount of love for each other? YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE DOING.

UPDATE

First of all, I need to clarify a few things.

Steven did not want this to end. It was me that said that I couldn't do this.

Second, he was very aware the whole time how I felt, and even read my previous post shortly after I wrote it.

Thanks to all of you for the kind words and support, and most of all for rooting for us.

Nothing BIG happened to cause me to feel this way. It was a combination of things. It really started over a week ago when I got the news that a job that I had been working REALLY hard towards fell through. Yes, I have a job, and I am fortunate that it is one that I enjoy and it gives me a ton of flexibility. However, this other thing was something I was interested in, and had gone through a lengthy process for. My realistic side knows that it wasn't meant to be, and that there is a deeper reason for it not working out. That reason may be my kids, Steven, or simply that it wasn't what I am supposed to be doing. HOWEVER, rejection sucks. It also sucks that I had tried so hard. And from a financial standpoint, it would have enabled me to be less dependent on my husband financially.

Last Saturday I helped a family friend with her wedding. I had the bachelorette party and the rehearsal dinner the two evenings before, and had to suck it up at the rehearsal because I had just found out about the job and was devastated. BY THE WAY...STEVEN WAS A SWEETIE AND MET WITH ME AFTER THE REHEARSAL, WHERE WE PROCEEDED TO GET A FEW DRINKS AND HAVE SEX AT THE SWINGER'S CLUB WHILE BEING WATCHED...THE ENTIRE TIME...WAY HOT! The man knows how to cheer me up!

Anyway, the wedding was hard. Not only did I work my ass off that day, but the reception was an opportunity for all that is wrong with my marriage to be really obvious. Weddings are fun, romantic, and when you are married to someone that doesn't want a part of that ambiance, it sucks. There all of the couples were dancing, and I busied myself with taking pictures because he wouldn't dance. He left early "because the kids were tired" which was really just an escape. It was just really hard to be there with him. I spent the evening texting Steve about how I knew that going to a wedding with him would be so much fun.

Then, the vacation. My mother in law is aware that our marriage is not going so great, so I felt like I needed to be on my best behavior. No need to start family drama. My kids are absolute blessings, and I loved the time with them. I even had fun with my husband, kicking his butt at Yahtzee and such. Overall, it was a good time. However, I missed Steven, and felt that it was putting a strain on us because I had limited contact with him.

So...that has been my week. And now I am home, and facing the reality. Back to work at a job that I had been pretty checked out of because I was hopeful about the prospect of a different job. I have two weeks before my kids start school again. I have a friend that is having a baby this week. A sister that is getting married in three weeks. Lots to be thankful for, lots to be excited for.

Steven and I will be okay. We are already on the road to being okay. We need to work through some things. We need to talk, and to listen. We need to hold each other. The physical aspect of our relationship is essential to the rest. This may not be the best thing, but it is the truth. When we are physically connected, the rest seems okay.

I take full responsibility for what has happened with us the past two days. We are both accountable for different things. We both screwed up. However, I was the one that wasn't in a good place. I was the one that was overwhelmed. I was the one that was not okay.

Tomorrow is a new day. A new week. Regardless of what kind of shit we get ourselves into, we always find a way out. ALWAYS. I am quick to want to quit. I know this. It is my protective instinct. There is a reason I have held back in so many areas of my life. FEAR OF FAILURE. So when things are rough, hard, and feel like too much, my instinct is to walk away.

Yet, I am a fighter on so many levels as well. And more than anything, I want to be with Steven. I want to continue this journey towards becoming US. There is so much that I look forward to with him. Things I want to do with him, experience with him. I want to know his kids, for him to know mine. I want to be married. I want to travel. I want to wake up next to him, and fall asleep next to him. I want to have our lives so intertwined that it is hard to remember a time when it was any different.

We will get there. I know that.

We love each other way to much to not make this happen.

NAKED THERAPY

The other night we got a hotel room and spent the evening essentially naked, watching TV, eating pizza, and doing what we do best...loving on each other.

We had our normal fun...played around with some new toys that I had picked up...got all slimy with some new lube.

I commented to Steven at one point that I love something about us. That something is that we can bring things like vibrators to bed, we can do things like pleasure ourselves in front of each other, and neither one of us ever feel threatened. We want the other person to feel good, and if their hand or something that requires batteries is what they need at that moment, then we are all for it.

Early in the evening Steven had joked that we should try to have lame sex just to see if it was possible. Could we have sex that wasn't AMAZING?

I am not sure how we started doing this, but we essentially reenacted what sex with our spouses is like.

I went first, and directed Steven. I told him what my husband does. What he doesn't do. And he did it. At first I was giggly and thought it was weird, but I could see that he was intently trying to understand the experiences that have been a norm in my house for years, so I mellowed out and took my director's job seriously.

Then it was time to switch. This was HARD. He told me what his wife would be doing, saying, and how she would be doing or saying it. I had no issues telling him how my husband would be, and no issues with him reenacting it. I am used to it.

It about killed me to be doing what she would do. To tell him no. To not really kiss back. To not want more. To not want. He was a way better director than I had been, down to the detail, and very serious.

It hurt my heart. It hurt me to see what he has had for years and years. Here is this wonderful man that is the complete package. An amazing, generous, sexy, exciting lover. A hard working, motivated, successful man. A good father. Someone with a broad range of interests, skills, talents. Someone that is so damned adorable and good looking. Someone that is funny, compassionate, adventurous, and kind. Someone that has done some amazing things in his life, dealt with some really hard things, and all of those experiences have made him into someone that you want to get to know...he reaches out and connects with people in a way that I admire so much.

When we were done with our acting, we settled into Steve and Missy lovemaking. And I am on top of him, fighting back an orgasm (I love holding out as long as I can), and I look into his eyes. Look at his sweet face. And I start to cry. Part of it is sadness for the pain that we have both experienced within our marriages, and part of it is from happiness that we have found each other.

It crossed both of our minds that we were nuts for doing this, but agreed that it was beneficial. We both got a really good idea of what the other has dealt with. It was therapeutic. Eye opening. And another level in which we have opened ourselves up to the other person.

When I asked Steven about it the next day, and whether or not he had any feelings on this experience last night, he replied that he felt it was good. He also said that these situations led us to each other, and that the glass is half full. We need to focus on the positive that has come from these crappy marriages. The biggest positives being our kids, and leading us to each other.

I admire his upbeat, positive attitude more than I let on.

Here is the lesson to this story...

If you are in a relationship, and YOU are the cause of less than ideal sex, STEP IT UP or STEP ASIDE.

You NEVER KNOW when your lame sexual behavior will be reenacted by your significant other, with someone else as a willing co-star.

KISS IT AND MAKE IT BETTER

As always, we are behaving as our normal, volatile selves, and paying the price for it.

I used to be okay with the thought of Steven sleeping with his wife. It happens so infrequently. I am confident in myself, and in our relationship. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel like it is a competition. There is one thing, one BIG THING though that she has, and I don't.

She is MARRIED to him.

We have had our share of disputes regarding ME having sex with my husband. I understand each and every one of the issues. My husband has gotten sex with me when he pleases, regardless of what is going on, how I feel, etc. It is rarely good sex. It rarely lasts more than 10 minutes. It is a struggle for him to maintain an erection sometimes, and other times he is battling premature ejaculation. I know that Steven thinks that I am too accommodating. He thinks that my husband doesn't appreciate what he has. There are many more issues, and all of them make sense.

I have had a nonchalant attitude about Steven's sex life with is wife. I haven't cared too much. There are days that I don't want to hear about it, but overall I haven't cared.

This past week has been a week for laying ground work. I have had conversations with my mother, sister, and a friend regarding my marriage. I have insinuated to them that things aren't okay. That I am not happy. Most importantly, I have had a good conversation with my husband. A conversation that was along the lines of the fact that we are both unhappy, that we both deserve to be happy, and that we need to work together to be the best parents possible to our children while sorting things out and moving our own directions. And later that night when I saw him looking through picture albums, it was like a knife to my heart. Strangely, he looked peaceful. Accepting. Okay. However, he knows. I know. We have both known. We don't have a "marriage". We have a good partnership. A good arrangement. And we both should have so much more.

And I was feeling AMAZING. As if I could see this happening. As if I was finally headed in the right direction. And Steven and I were on the same page. We have set some obtainable, realistic goals. We aren't jumping into anything, we aren't being stupid. We aren't setting ourselves up for failure. Instead we are setting ourselves up for happiness, and success. We are realizing that we aren't getting any younger, and that each day is a gift and that we need put ourselves first for once.

So after days of hard conversations, after a week of accomplishments, I was feeling pretty damn good.

And Friday morning I get a text message from Steven while driving my kids to the dentist. It told me that he had sex with his wife last night.

I damn near lost it. Here I am, driving kids, on the freeway, going 80 MPH, and I start crying. I want to throw my phone in the river. I want to scream.

Here I am, working towards moving FORWARD, and he is FUCKING HER?

And it isn't that he had sex with her, it was that he had told me something, and did something completely different. And while I won't get into the details, I was not okay. I have said over and over to Steven that I AM DOING THIS RIGHT THIS TIME. No lies. No deception.

What evolved from this bloody text message was a day and a half of misery. Tears. Conversations. Heated text messaging wars. Silent treatments. Mean words flung around. I was done. I really was. I decided that I couldn't do this. That I couldn't handle the stress. The pain. That I would rather lose him than share him. That the thought of him with HER made me violently nauseous. I could NOT DO THIS.

So I told him so. It was D.O.N.E. done. If we both became untangled from our existing situations, great. I could do this. However, I had hit a wall. I couldn't share him. I couldn't do this. I love him too much, want him too bad, am too selfish.

I knew that I hurt him. I didn't care. He had hurt me. He had said one thing to me, and did something completely different. I can't stop him from having sex to the one that he is legally bound to. The one that he shares a bed with. HOWEVER, don't DO THIS TO ME! Don't TEXT ME about having sex with her when you KNOW that I have been working towards US and OUR FUTURE all week.

I agreed to meet him last night. And I had no intention of anything other than getting a drink and dinner, and talking. Figuring out how to move forward from this. Closure. I was seriously walking away. I didn't even shave *down there* all that perfect because I WAS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH HIM.

We were immediately fighting. We met at a grocery store parking lot, where we were just attacking each other for lame things. It was so so stupid. We were both emotionally raw, on the verge of tears, and we got in my van and Steve drove to "our lake", which, by the way was DRIED UP due to how hot and dry it has been.

We were sitting next to each other, it was hot, dry, dusty, there were people around, planes overhead, a train in the distance. Steve leans over and kisses me. And kisses me. And kisses me. And I kissed back. My hand on the back of his neck felt his warm skin, and it was if I was floating. IT WAS OK. I WAS GOING TO BE OK. WE WERE GOING TO BE OKAY. His hand wandered up my skirt...just enough for me to know that he needed to feel me. That I needed to feel him.

I knew in that moment that I needed to suck it up. Deal. I needed to hold his hand and support him through what he chooses to do. And I need the same from him. He knows the real Missy. He knows all that there is to know about me. He loves me completely. Unconditionally. We need each other. We deserve each other...good and bad. When I am a brat, he is a brat back and we deserve to be with people that can dish out exactly what the are given. We need to be with people that meet us in the middle. We need to be with people that will ALWAYS say yes to sex, will always kiss back, will always hunger for the other no matter how bad it gets.

We had a wonderful evening sprinkled with sex, drinks, food, and adventures. Add a dash of residual anger and frustration and you have a really white trash parking lot scene in front of the Swinger's Club. The details of the sex, and maybe the white trash parking lot scene will follow in another post.

The bottom line is this. I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE FOUND SOMEONE LIKE STEVEN. He doesn't give up. He is more stubborn than I am, and I didn't know that was possible. He puts me in my place. He can kiss it and make it all better.

I will never like the idea of him having sex with HER, as he will never like the idea of me having sex with HIM. My mantra is THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY because it is just that. TEMPORARY.

When the time is right, we will be untangled. We will be together. There is NO DOUBT in our minds that this is true.

Sex with spouses is going to happen. It hurts. It is hard. Conflicting. Confusing. So, I am going to choose to look at the big picture. I have nothing to be jealous of. NOTHING. I know where we stand, where we are headed.

And where we are headed is to a place where it ALWAYS feels as good as that kiss did last night. A place where things are sunny, and pretty, and sparkly, and warm, and fuzzy.

Like home.