DEEP THOUGHTS ON SWINGING

So, the weekend before last we went to the Swinger's Club. And we saw the most action, up close and personal that we have seen there to date.

We have toyed with all kinds of scenarios, from threesomes to same room sex. I think that we have concluded that full blown swinging is not our thing. We are both too possessive, too needy, too damaged by our spouses to invite the potential issues into our relationship that swinging can bring. We have no desire to see each other with other people.

The idea of another woman has been toyed with, I think that with the right person and under the right circumstances that this could work. It would take a lot of prep work though, rules, expectations, goals, etc. It certainly could not be something taken lightly by either of us.

Same room sex is something that I think we could and would do in a heartbeat if the other couple seemed like a good fit and all were in agreement on the situation. We both like the idea of watching and being watched, and this seems like something that we would both find really hot.

So, when we were at the Swinger's club, there were a few different scenarios happening, and we were right in the middle of them. Fully clothed, non-participating, spectators. I liked watching female on female oral. I liked close up penetration views. I liked watching blow jobs. I liked watching boobs being played with by men or women.

I liked being around people that are so comfortable in their own skin. Seeing different bodies and appreciating them all.

I liked the sexually charged vibe that was around us.

And I liked that for us, it was foreplay. It was a great way for us to get REALLY turned on, and then devour each other.

However, what I liked the absolute MOST, now that I have had a week to think about it, was how I feel when I am in an environment like that with Steven.

I feel VERY safe. Safer than I have ever felt with anyone before.

The way his hands are always on me, whether around my waist, holding my hand, touching my arm. Feeling his presence puts me at ease. I appreciate the fact that he confidently can interact with people, and I have no fears of him getting us into a situation that I wouldn't want. I love that he knows what is okay, and what isn't, and we respect each other completely. I love that I feel taken care of, adored, and that it is always a JOINT experience.

Some of the women were there with men that were obviously really just into everything BUT their woman. I like that Steven and I can look at other people, appreciate the situation TOGETHER, but he isn't getting his kicks from THEM, we are getting them TOGETHER.

We are 10 months into this relationship. I don't think we will ever become sexually bored or in a rut. We are just such highly sexual people! And I love that we talk about ideas and scenarios and fantasies, and that they change. What I would have done 6 months ago is different today. I am *almost* certain that full fledged swinging won't become a part of US. However, I think that there are things we have talked about and haven't done, things we haven't discovered, and adventures to be had! The bottom line is that whatever we do, we do as a team, and we do it because we BOTH have something to gain from it.

I am growing into my own authentic sexual self, and that is fun. It is fun to have such a perfect match as a partner that is helping me to do this!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

I am laying in our cozy hotel bed, aware that Steven is in and out of sleep. I am too. His hand was resting between my legs, and I reached down and felt how wet I was, and couldn't stop touching.

I kept my eyes closed, and wasn't really sure when he was awake and when he was asleep. I started slowly, fingering myself, using different motions and speeds on my clit. I would occasionally let my fingers graze his hand which was still resting down there...wiping my juices on his fingers. It felt sooooo good, I just kept going and going, using my other hand to tweak my nipples...and keeping my eyes closed the whole time.

Something about this felt surreal...I loved knowing that he was there, maybe watching, maybe not. It was fantasy like.

He finally made his presence known by bringing his mouth to my nipples and I was tormenting myself by holding back from cumming. I threw the blankets back so he could get the full view of my dripping pussy and wet fingers working their magic. I got to that point where I shoved a couple of fingers inside of myself and thrust them in and out. Steven realized that I could benefit from his cock inside of me, and gladly let me have it. His throbbing cock filled me up, but I didn't want him moving. I wanted to keep this eyes-closed-I-am-masturbating-and-he-is-watching thing going.

I let my orgasm build and build and build, really not aware of what Steven was doing. Sometimes he was sitting there with his cock inside of me, sometimes he was watching and stroking himself.

When I couldn't take another second, I allowed myself to cum, and I exploded with such force that my pussy pushed his cock out as I let out a scream.

This was only one small part of a wonderful weekend together. My birthday was last week, and I can honestly say that Steven gave me the BEST BIRTHDAY I have EVER HAD. He took a vacation day, booked a nice room for two nights, and spoiled me with gifts, sex, great meals, and amazing quality time together. It was blissful!

Saturday night we had been drinking and then decided to scope out the Swinger's Club. And I can't stop thinking about it...we weren't there that long, but the highlight for me was LISTENING to this couple having great sex. It made me SO HOT! My pussy was literally DRIPPING and I had to have Steven right then and there, and you had better believe that I got competitive with my vocal skills. FUCK it was so hot hearing them...I told Steven that we need to work on some sort of same room thing with another couple...I don't want to do anything with other people but I want to HEAR them and SEE them and completely lose myself in observing other people having sex.

So...it was a great time. He is amazing. I have never had a guy that puts so much thought into everything...down to the details...like wrapping a gift in my favorite color for example. We seriously spent all day yesterday in our hotel room, except for going to eat around lunch time. It was glorious...being in a bed, watching tv, napping, having sex. JUST WHAT I NEEDED. It had been a rough week last week (hence the lack of postings on here)...I had minor surgery, limited Steven time, and just too much going on. To have that quiet, intimate day together after having a wild, crazy, sexy night out was amazing.

Best of all, for the first time in my life I feel like I am being my authentic self with someone. There are no secrets. Nothing to hide. I give him all of it, and he gives me it all back. And to have that feels amazing! To be able to say what I want and need and think about, and have no qualms in doing so is liberating.

And there is nothing like a sexually charged few days to make me want more...I can't stop thinking about that couple and hearing them. It was so hot to me to do that masturbation thing with Steven next to me. My mind is racing...ohhhh the possibilities...

Did I mention that this was the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER? It was.

20 THINGS ABOUT STEVEN THAT MAKE ME SMILE

What a weekend! I am still recovering! We met up Saturday night and had dinner, drinks, and then stopped off at the Swinger's Club.

We wandered (as usual), observed a freaky girl masturbating in front of people, watched a bit of porn, and then went and watched a couple have sex. It was a turn on, except the guy couldn't keep it up, so it didn't last too long. SO...we went into a room to have our own fun, and left the door open for a few observers...it was a fast but intense show...blow job, sex from behind, I had a nice orgasm, and then turned around to catch Steve's load in my mouth. I believe there was a slight applause!

After that we met up with two friends of mine (FROM CHURCH!!) and had more drinks, and danced. Well, I wasn't in much of a dancing mood, but Steve and the friends were, so that was cool. AND THEY LOVED HIM! Within minutes they were whispering about how cute he was and how perfect we were together, and I was like....I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!!! Yes, these girls are aware of my situation (our situation) but both agree that I need to be happy, both know that my husband has agreed to turn a blind eye to anything, and they both can see that Steven and I are a great fit for each other.

Well...it was all fine and dandy until I got sick. Yep...one shot too many. I will spare you the details, but let's just say that you know a guy is a keeper when he deals with your puking ass, and stays sweet and loving the whole time. Seriously, Steven took such good care of me...and while I am mortified that I let it happen, it is nice to know that we can be that way with each other.

So...it took me all day Sunday to recover, but it was worth it overall. We had a great time. I am in such a good place right now. Steven and I had lunch together in the park today, it was just so nice to have that quiet, mellow TOGETHER time.

I have been really reflective lately. I don't think that I was in a good place most of the summer. I feel like I was going through the motions. Being a mom, working, keeping things up around the house. Volunteering time, trips, weddings, etc. Underneath this though I was in a hard place. I wouldn't say a dark place, but a hard place. A place where I couldn't see the end of anything. Where everything seemed untouchable. Things were dangling in front of me, but I couldn't reach out far enough to grab them.

I am BACK. And that is a great feeling. To have the kids back in school, to have a routine again, to feel like I can DO THIS. I can get through what I need to get through in the next day. Week. Month. Year. I am strong. I am loved. I can conquer anything! I have goals. Little goals and huge goals.

So...here is a little list of things about Steven that make me smile...I am just so damned happy right now that it is almost obnoxious!

1. His sense of humor.
2. The way he kisses me.
3. The low growl noise he makes when he is sexually devouring me.
4. The way his arms feel around me.
5. Our inside jokes. There are lots of them.
6. The fact that he likes that indent that is between the nose and upper lip on me.
7. When he breathes me in.
8. When he tacks his last name/initial on to my name.
9. The fact that he has a voyeuristic / exhibitionist side.
10. My friends adore him.
11. His lips. Ohhhh they make me HOT.
12. Lunch at the park with him. Love this!
13. The silly things we do that are just US.
14. The feel of our skin touching.
15. The fact that he always drives and always opens doors. I like how he looks driving my car.
16. How he is EXACTLY what I need.
17. The fact that we have so much in common.
18. The fact that we are rubbing off on each other, and acquiring each other's likes.
19. How passionate he is.
20. We are perfect for each other.

I hope you all had a great weekend!

THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS. WE ARE CRAZZZZZZZY.

Evidence of another wonderful night together...yes, we begged, borrowed, and stole to get a sleepover last night. And when I left the hotel room this morning, Steven sent me this picture on his cell phone.

This is sooooo us. I mean, really...the MOTEL 6 logo on the phone just really seals the deal on the white trash factor...combined with the energy drink, cigarette, lighter, vibrator, lube, RUSH, gum, and......drum roll.......STEVE'S WEDDING RING. Yes, that is right, because REMOVING THE RING BEFORE FUCKING MAKES IT...never mind. It just makes it not fall off when lube is involved. You thought I had some backasswards justification happening, didn't you?

Yeah...I am not THAT nuts. Yet.

Let's just tell it like it is.

We are a bit nuts. Not psycho, dangerous around kids, watch out or I will steal your cat, I talk to myself all the time, look at me wrong and I will bite you nuts.

Nope, not that kind of nuts.

Nuts as in WE ARE REALLY GOOD, UPSTANDING CITIZENS THAT HAVE JOBS, AND LOTS OF KIDS, AND MORTGAGES, AND SPOUSES, AND CHURCHES, AND FRIENDS, AND HOBBIES, AND WE CAN HOLD AN INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION, FIGHT A WICKED FIGHT, AND DAMN IT WE ARE CUTE....BUT....we have this inner freak, party it up, run around and be silly, let's pretend we don't have responsibilities, yes that is us with the loud rap music dancing in the minivan....nuts.

THAT kind of nuts.

I asked Steve this morning if I was his mid life crisis. He refused to answer because he said it is a really dumb question.

In a sense though, we ARE each other's crisis. Really.

Our love is not a crisis. Our sex is not a crisis. Having fun together is not a crisis. What is a crisis is that we have been FUCKING STUCK. FUCKING TRAPPED. FUCKING UNFULFILLED. And THAT my friends, is a CRISIS.

And until the day comes that we can be free to be US...we live amongst crisis. We cram a full blown relationship, complete with head over heels love, into a fraction of what legit couples have. We have sex with fervor, knowing that any sex we get at home is merely like a JELLO PUDDING CUP when we know that the MUD PIE FROM RED ROBIN is out there counting the seconds until we meet again. We fight like our lives depend on it, because sometimes I think they do. Why not freak out on the one that GETS IT THE MOST? The one that UNDERSTANDS? The one that has filled this huge void, yet when you are apart the void is bigger than any void that was there before?

People take SO MUCH for granted. I admit, I have been this way before too. Yet, when I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache from too many margaritas, I was APPRECIATIVE.

I was APPRECIATIVE of Steven's skin touching mine. I was APPRECIATIVE of the hangover, because it meant that we had a wonderful, wild, crazy night together. I was APPRECIATIVE of the bed, the sheets, the roof, the warmth, the room...because that is so much more than many, many people have. I was APPRECIATIVE of exhaustion...because what caused that was having sex for 2 hours in the middle of the night. I was APPRECIATIVE of Steven...thankful that he found me, thankful that we have each other, thankful that he is my future.

It is way too easy to take it for granted. Eleven years ago, I was a year into marriage with a new baby, working on buying a home, a decent job, and looking forward to a future of all that is bright and shiny. I was 19 going on 40. And I APPRECIATED none of it (except the baby). And after watching my marriage unravel, my sex life with my husband become bleak, and the realization that I went from a senior in high school to a van driving mommy overnight, I feel cheated. By my own doing.

SO...I am acting out a bit. Just a skosh. Steven is too. We pretend we aren't.

But really, we are.

And guess what? I am OKAY with being a bit nuts. And if this is more than a phase, I am okay with that too. If we become senior citizens that are having a few too many drinks on a Saturday night, stopping in at a Swinger's Club, and then having sex all night, WHO CARES? The reality is that we are both having needs met that have been neglected for years. Everything that we do is special, meaningful, precious. Everything we do is feeding us in some way, shape, or form.

We have so much fun together...I love being in public with him...I love seeing him get checked out by other women AND HE IS MINE and that feels amazing. I love how he makes me laugh. I love how comfortable we are together. I love that we are so intertwined with each other's lives that we often have to stop ourselves from talking about each other to our friends and families.

And I love how adventurous we are. I feel so free when we are together. I try new things. Last night I HAD MY FIRST FULL BLOWN FISTING EXPERIENCE. If you are into this, leave a comment...I want to know what other people think. I liked it. I wasn't sure if I wanted his hand moved a lot once it was in, but I certainly liked the feeling of fullness. There is certainly a level of trust and patience required, and it has a feeling of intimacy that is really hard to explain.

My only regret is that I wasn't completely sober. Next time I will be.

I have spent some time this morning reading about fisting, and what I have found is quite interesting. There is quite a bit of writing out there on the spiritual aspect of fisting. The first article I read talked about what the fist can be symbolic of from a biblical sense, complete with scripture to back it up. I was questioning this a bit, but kept researching (nerd that I am). What I found is that there are books on this, many articles, and dozens of personal testimonies from people seriously moved by the highly sensual yet spiritual experiences that they have had with fisting.

So...our two hour sexathon was amazing. All of it was great. I needed that. I haven't been with someone, ever, that I could just PLAY with for hours on end. Steve stays hard. Can cum when he wants and it isn't over if he doesn't want it to be. He is patient, and eager to please. He is excited to do it all, and loves making me happy. Steven absorbs all aspects of sex...he pays close attention, and humors me by recapping it to me when I ask afterwards.

I want to read more on fisting and do this again, ASAP.

Our finale was him cumming in my ass (he teases me because when we first met I said this was one thing I wasn't really crazy about...funny how things change...I have let him do it twice now...) while he was on top of me. This was the ultimate in intimate endings, a perfect way to end an intimate time in bed. Looking at his beautiful face, his eyes fierce with love for me, and feeling my body completely relaxed and surrendered to him...truly amazing.

Mid life crisis? Nah

Nuts? Okay, in some ways.

Building a future amongst an underground life speckled with incredible sex, crazy ass moments of juvenile behavior, good food and better drinks, Camel Lights, hotel rooms, lube, unknowing spouses, lots of kids, and above it all an incredible amount of love for each other? YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE DOING.

A WEEKEND TO REMEMBER

WHAT AN AMAZING WEEKEND!

We somehow finagled two consecutive nights together...OVERNIGHT. Glorious! I am still warm and fuzzy from it!

It was a matter of the planets aligning or something...my kids were with grandparents, he had realistic work related reasons to be gone, and my husband just does not care. We met up Friday night...at this point we were only thinking we had one night together. We got a room, and met there. Of course we had to have sex first (which was great, as always...love that cum on the back / Steve licks it up and gives it to me action!) Then we went out for some excellent seafood and drinks, and then went back to the bar that is at the hotel where we were staying. This bar is somewhere that I have frequented quite a bit over the years, and there is this older, CRABBY lady that works there. And she was waiting on us.

NO ONE that I have EVER been there with has ever gotten this woman to crack a smile.

And guess what? Steven has this woman LAUGHING and JOKING and DANCING and SINGING and having a great time. That is just the kind of guy he is.

We went back to our room, had wild and crazy sex all over the place (we had drank a bit downstairs) and finally decided that the bed was overrated and ended up on the floor. Apparently I wanted it hard and fast, and was being pretty demanding...nothing like alcohol to make me bossy...and to make me want a good, hard fuck. I had turned on my laptop and loaded some old school rap ...Naughty By Nature...Biggie...a little Eminem...good sex music. I was impressing Steven with my extensive knowledge of lyrics to non-mommy music, and acting like a drunken goof. Make that a GANGSTA' drunken goof.

After that, we should have gone to sleep, but the great sex had me amped up. Steven was lying on the bed, and I reminded him that WE WERE NOT 50 and told him that we needed some Taco Bell. I drove us across the street, we ordered (I guess I was being obnoxious there too), and took our food to "our lake" down the road. TACO BELL AFTER DRINKS AND GREAT SEX IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE BEST THING EVER. We ate our food, and while standing outside by "our lake" I decided I had to pee.

BAD IDEA. I am not a camper. Not a nature kind of girl. Not a squat and pee in the wild woman. Nope. Not at all. Yeah...I thought I had nailed it...until I stood up and realized I had been peeing on the leg of my pants.

Fuck. Seriously FUCKING embarrassing. Steven thought it was HILARIOUS...laughed at me the whole way back to our room...thank goodness it was in the middle of the night because I had to walk through the hotel like this! I was ready to walk in my panties and t-shirt, but Steven had the sense to discourage this.

We snuggled up in bed, slept, woke up and had another round of great sex, and both of us headed off to work.

PERFECTION. Later on Saturday, circumstances arose that made a second night feasible. Sweet! I was soooooooo excited. BONUS!!

We met up after work Saturday, and got a room at the Motel 6. Now...here is what I have to say about Motel 6. We have used them for a few hours here and there. Never overnight. But...Friday night we had stayed somewhere nice, and decided to be a little bit fiscally responsible with night number two. Long story short...the employee that is always there when we have gone there is great. Always nice, always gives us a room in the part that I request. I had told Steven that we needed to bring her something...so, being how he is, he checks in, chats with her, basically tells her the situation we have, etc. She is down with being discreet...I am sure Motel 6 sees it all. That is just how they roll. So...she tells him that she had assumed that we were what we are, and I hook her up with some yummy baked goods, and we are surely on our way to being friends...she is discreet, we take care of her, she takes care of us, it's all good.

We get settled in our room, leave a candle burning to get rid of the MOTEL 6 ROOM SMELL, and go to this AMAZING PLACE that Steven discovered early on in our relationship. This bar has THE BEST BURGER IN THE WORLD, good drinks, great karaoke, an amazing outdoor garden type area, and it is no where we would run into anyone we know. We ate, drank, hung out, and then were at a loss with what to do next.

We had toyed with the idea of going to the Swinger's Club. I was down with it at first, but I was also tired...the night before had worn me out...the other dilemma was that the later it gets, the more it becomes active, and being there fully clothed and watching isn't really the best. Watching has seemed to be the best earlier in the night.

We went to another place that we frequent, stayed there a bit listening to the WORST karaoke ever, and left.

So, we went back to our room, and laid on the bed watching funny videos on You Tube, and just hanging out. After midnight we decided to go down the road to Applebees and get a drink, AND HERE IS WHERE I GET TO THE BEST PART OF THE ENTIRE WEEKEND.

We are sitting there in the bar, talking about this and that. We were talking about places that are "our places" and Steven brought up a park/lake that we have gone to now and then to hang out and talk, and have junk food picnics.

And while talking about this place, we talk about the first time we were there. There was no one around, we walked down by the water...talking, and kissing. We took some cute pictures of us on my cell phone, and all of a sudden Steven grabs a stick.

And writes that he loves me in the sand.

And I snapped a picture with my phone, and told him that no one had ever written that they loved me in the sand before.
He was shocked. It was the honest truth. Never.

So, there we are at Applebees, reminiscing about that, and Steve tears up. With tears in his eyes he tells me that it makes him sad to think that no one had ever written that they loved me in the sand before. That I was so great, how could that have never happened with another guy? And that at the same time, he was glad that he was the first. Of course seeing him be emotional and sweet and tearing up makes me start crying. Steve blots the corner of my eyes with a napkin and we hug...having our own little sappy moment in the bar.

Seriously, is this not the sweetest guy ever? I have never felt so completely cared for. So completely loved. So complete.

We go back to our room, get ready for bed, and snuggle up together. After an amazing night's sleep, we had mind blowing sex this morning with nearly simultaneous orgasms as a finale. Steven has read about pussy massaging (there is some fancy word for it that is slipping my mind), and ladies...this is fabulous! He rubs me all over down there with lube, and it is euphoric...relaxing, exciting, arousing, crazy good feeling. It is about more than rubbing where you know it feels good...it is about the whole area. And by the time he slid his hard cock into me, I was crazy turned on. I decided to use a vibrator on my clit, and FOUGHT LIKE HELL to not cum. I could have so many times, but wouldn't let myself. It built and built, and we kept going and going...VERY intense like. No switching around, no position changes, just good intense sex. And Steven playing with my nipples was incredible for some reason...it always arouses me but it was way more than usual. As much as I love eye contact during sex, I was so focused on my own body that I couldn't focus on him. I was starting to feel delirious with pleasure when I came, and it took a bit for the room to stop spinning afterwards. Seriously the MOST CRAZY INTENSE orgasm I think I have ever had.

14+ hours later I am still walking on air, smiling, giddy, and more in love than ever.

UPDATE

First of all, I need to clarify a few things.

Steven did not want this to end. It was me that said that I couldn't do this.

Second, he was very aware the whole time how I felt, and even read my previous post shortly after I wrote it.

Thanks to all of you for the kind words and support, and most of all for rooting for us.

Nothing BIG happened to cause me to feel this way. It was a combination of things. It really started over a week ago when I got the news that a job that I had been working REALLY hard towards fell through. Yes, I have a job, and I am fortunate that it is one that I enjoy and it gives me a ton of flexibility. However, this other thing was something I was interested in, and had gone through a lengthy process for. My realistic side knows that it wasn't meant to be, and that there is a deeper reason for it not working out. That reason may be my kids, Steven, or simply that it wasn't what I am supposed to be doing. HOWEVER, rejection sucks. It also sucks that I had tried so hard. And from a financial standpoint, it would have enabled me to be less dependent on my husband financially.

Last Saturday I helped a family friend with her wedding. I had the bachelorette party and the rehearsal dinner the two evenings before, and had to suck it up at the rehearsal because I had just found out about the job and was devastated. BY THE WAY...STEVEN WAS A SWEETIE AND MET WITH ME AFTER THE REHEARSAL, WHERE WE PROCEEDED TO GET A FEW DRINKS AND HAVE SEX AT THE SWINGER'S CLUB WHILE BEING WATCHED...THE ENTIRE TIME...WAY HOT! The man knows how to cheer me up!

Anyway, the wedding was hard. Not only did I work my ass off that day, but the reception was an opportunity for all that is wrong with my marriage to be really obvious. Weddings are fun, romantic, and when you are married to someone that doesn't want a part of that ambiance, it sucks. There all of the couples were dancing, and I busied myself with taking pictures because he wouldn't dance. He left early "because the kids were tired" which was really just an escape. It was just really hard to be there with him. I spent the evening texting Steve about how I knew that going to a wedding with him would be so much fun.

Then, the vacation. My mother in law is aware that our marriage is not going so great, so I felt like I needed to be on my best behavior. No need to start family drama. My kids are absolute blessings, and I loved the time with them. I even had fun with my husband, kicking his butt at Yahtzee and such. Overall, it was a good time. However, I missed Steven, and felt that it was putting a strain on us because I had limited contact with him.

So...that has been my week. And now I am home, and facing the reality. Back to work at a job that I had been pretty checked out of because I was hopeful about the prospect of a different job. I have two weeks before my kids start school again. I have a friend that is having a baby this week. A sister that is getting married in three weeks. Lots to be thankful for, lots to be excited for.

Steven and I will be okay. We are already on the road to being okay. We need to work through some things. We need to talk, and to listen. We need to hold each other. The physical aspect of our relationship is essential to the rest. This may not be the best thing, but it is the truth. When we are physically connected, the rest seems okay.

I take full responsibility for what has happened with us the past two days. We are both accountable for different things. We both screwed up. However, I was the one that wasn't in a good place. I was the one that was overwhelmed. I was the one that was not okay.

Tomorrow is a new day. A new week. Regardless of what kind of shit we get ourselves into, we always find a way out. ALWAYS. I am quick to want to quit. I know this. It is my protective instinct. There is a reason I have held back in so many areas of my life. FEAR OF FAILURE. So when things are rough, hard, and feel like too much, my instinct is to walk away.

Yet, I am a fighter on so many levels as well. And more than anything, I want to be with Steven. I want to continue this journey towards becoming US. There is so much that I look forward to with him. Things I want to do with him, experience with him. I want to know his kids, for him to know mine. I want to be married. I want to travel. I want to wake up next to him, and fall asleep next to him. I want to have our lives so intertwined that it is hard to remember a time when it was any different.

We will get there. I know that.

We love each other way to much to not make this happen.

LOOK ALL YOU WANT HONEY, BUT HE IS MINE

So...nothing heals hurt feelings like great sex, right?

Like I said in my previous post, we met up Saturday night. Yes, we had our "white trash parking lot scene" in front of the Swinger's Club...this was the result of me being pouty and Steven being a brat (okay, I was being a brat too). And in the heat of our retarded dispute, I looked up at him (I was sitting on the curb) and LAUGHED. Uncontrollably LAUGHED. And Steve laughed. And we COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING! He grabbed my hand, we got in my van, and went to get more drinks, still laughing at HOW STUPID AND STUBBORN we both are. SERIOUSLY. We truly deserve each other.

Prior to this stupid fight, we had gone to dinner and arrived at the Swinger's Club. Going there allows us to have a sexual atmosphere, a private room, watch people doing all kinds of things, snacks, and just be together for $40.00. Hell of a deal versus a hotel room. We went in, wandered around a bit, and went to a private room a lot sooner than we normally would. WE NEEDED EACH OTHER. We needed to reaffirm our commitment to each other in a sexual way. Nothing heals the wounds of a fight like a good fuck.

We both needed it. Bad. I wanted it ALL...sometimes my body frustrates me because I can't figure out what I need. I told him to lick me, I had the URGENT FEELING that I needed to feel his warm mouth on my pussy. It was really odd for me to feel this so desperately. The great thing about us is that there is no hesitation. We both have no qualms in asking for something. We want to meet each other's needs, we want to make each sexual encounter exactly what the other person needed it to be.

We tossed and turned and switched around quite a bit, just not able to get enough of each other. We kissed and touched and grabbed and tasted and held and fucked and thoroughly enjoyed the way our bodies make us feel when they are together.

Sweaty, thirsty, and satisfied, we left (insert parking lot scene). After getting another round of drinks, we went back to the Swinger's Club. There was more action going on...sex in hot tubs, LOTS of naked people. At one point I was thoroughly enjoying watching a guy performing oral sex on a woman in front of everyone. I whispered to Steven that I wanted to touch her boobs, he said GO FOR IT, but I was too chicken. Maybe another time...

I wanted to give Steven a blow job right in front of people, but he wasn't feeling it...he later said that he wished he would have said yes. We met a few people, there was a lady that was there with her husband that was seriously checking Steven out. I like this...but my arrogant snotty side wants a t-shirt that says something like LOOK ALL YOU WANT HONEY, BUT HE IS MINE. Can you tell that we are not "lifestyle" people? I mean, we have our freaky sides, we have TALKED about dabbling in a few different scenarios, but neither one of us has any interest in SWAPPING. I can't with certainty say that we never will...I mean, in 6 months with Steven I have done things that I would have NEVER IMAGINED. So, never say never. He likes the idea of another woman with me, this is something that I would be open to. Basically, we are on a case by case, day by day, conversation by conversation basis. The appeal with joining a Swinger's Club for us was the environment, we both have voyeuristic tendencies, we both have exhibitionist tendencies (even TYPING THIS is hard for me because I still have not fully wrapped my mind around the fact that I really have enjoyed being watched). It also gave us a place to go where we could be alone, have sex, and be together. I have also recently expressed a desire to really watch another couple, and this is something that we are exploring. I want to watch another couple, start to finish, have sex. REALLY WATCH. It would be nice if they were both somewhat appealing to me, but that isn't super important. I just think it would be REALLY HOT.

So...we basically spent the rest of the evening getting really aroused, and at this point it was crazy late, we had both been drinking, and we decided to get a hotel room. HUGE ISSUE...there was some event going on and everything was booked! It was 3 am and we are WANDERING trying to find a stupid hotel room! Crazy. We finally did (shout out to the Clarion for being reasonable, high quality, and a great deal).

We showered, and got into bed damp, naked, sleepy, and horny. Great combo! And thus began a contortionist event that rivals the best directed porn out there. I was really in the mood to have my hand working my clit, which isn't my norm. I just had the urge! I kept apologizing to Steven, and he kept telling me to knock it off. I just feel bad when I do that, like he isn't enough. I have no problem having an orgasm (or several) from penetration alone. I don't need the clitoral stimulation to get off. When I am masturbating, this is the fastest, easiest way for me to take care of business. With a partner though, I rarely do this, it isn't necessary. That night though I just wanted that little extra something that playing with myself adds to sex.

We were going at it in every way possible, and at one point Steven had his fingers in me while I touched myself. I wanted more fingers! Please! It wasn't working with me being on all fours, in this position a couple of fingers felt like too much. I laid on my back, and with the help of some lube, Steven had four fingers working on me while I rubbed my clit. I had my left hand playing with his ass that was up in the air, and he had his left hand stroking his cock. He was backing into my lubed finger and I have to say this was incredibly hot. In this crazy combination of pleasuring ourselves and each other simultaneously, in the most awkward looking position ever (seriously a heap of extremities, genitals, and lube) we both had intense orgasms within seconds of each other. Steven came on my stomach, and here is the best part...

He gently licked up his cum and fed it to me with his mouth. HEAVEN. Seriously I find this so hot that words can't describe it. He tried this with me for the first time last week and my adrenaline was flowing to the point that I could have went for a run afterwards...and my ass DOES NOT RUN. Seriously, it turned me on something crazy. And there was such a sweetness to it. He was leery, and not too wild about it, but knew that it was something that I would enjoy. From his standpoint, he has a bit of a cum phobia, but he is working through it. In all honesty, his cum tastes amazing, and if it didn't I wouldn't want him doing this. However, I have tasted a guy or two and know that his is tasty, so it is great that he is trying this for me.

Anyway, after our contortionist masturbation/sex/teamwork event, it was some unreal hour in the morning, and we crashed. Waking up next to Steven and running my fingers up and down his bare back was exquisite. Laying in bed while he showered, ironed his work clothes, and got ready to leave was blissful. His sweet lips meeting mine as he kissed me goodbye was precious.

It is times like this that remind me why I am doing this. What I have gotten myself in to. What I have signed up for. We need each other. We are so good together. We complete each other. And when we are having stupid disputes over stupid things, I secretly like the fact that he has a backbone. That he stands up to me. Puts me in my place. Can hold his own. I have HATED being the dominant personality within my marriage. I have HATED knowing that I could push my husband around if I wanted to.

I am LOVING the fact that I have met my match...someone that can have a trashy parking lot fight with me, someone that can match my sexual appetite, someone that tell me to knock it off when I need to be told that.

And most of all, someone that loves me unconditionally. Someone that knows me in ways that other people don't.

Someone that I am crazy about.

HAPPY 4th OF JULY - SEX, SPARKS, AND MAKING OUR OWN FIREWORKS

We needed each other. More than normal. Steven was on vacation last week, and our time together was much more limited than we are used to.

We got together Tuesday night. I had booked a hotel room, and we decided to order room service and just enjoy our time together. I can not tell you how bad we needed this! We alternated between devouring each other's bodies, eating really great food, watching a bit of TV, and just laying in each other's arms.

The sex was fantastic...it ALWAYS IS, but sometimes it just is particularly mind blowing. We were playing around with new angles, there were a few times when I just felt so good I couldn't even think straight. And Steven was doing something amazing at one point, and it felt SO CRAZY GOOD that I was bordering delusional. He had multiple fingers in me, as many as he could, he might have had one playing with my ass, and one on my clit. It was the most out of control sex feeling that I have ever had. I couldn't do anything but succumb to his fingers and just allow myself to enjoy the intense fire like pleasure that was rushing though my veins. I am totally intrigued by the idea of fisting, and I never have been before. Something about pushing myself to have more in me than I would think is possible is interesting. And I like the feeling of being filled up, hence my preference of having an orgasm with a dick in me. Clitoral orgasms are all fine and dandy, but not ever as good as feeling Steven's hard cock in me while my body spasms around him. Anyway, the sheer pleasure of whatever he was doing with his fingers made me think about this, and may be worth exploring...I haven't talked to Steven about this entirely, so I guess when he reads this I will! The HNT picture (http://wheredoyouwanttoputthat.blogspot.com/2009/07/hnt-foggy-mirror-fun.html) this week is from that evening, I was naked with my hands against the mirror when Steven shot the picture...we had just gotten out of the shower...mmmm...I love showers with him...

Wednesday night we met up for food and drinks, and then went to our beach...MISSY BEACH. There were more people there than previous visits that we have had, but we wandered further down and found some fantastic secluded areas. We missed the sunset, but we will need to go back and watch it from there...with the camera so we can put some pics on here! It was tons of fun just being together, enjoying our beach, the warm weather, and exploring new possibilities of places we want to hang out at together.

I had figured that I wouldn't see Steven again after that for several days...with the 4th of July holiday and all. However, sweet thing that he is, he was able to get away last night and spend some time with me! We started off by going to some restaurant, where I behaved like a total brat and he decided that we should leave. I wasn't trying to be a pain in the ass...probably the fact that I was hungry and the fact that I was just in a needy mood contributed to my attitude. My beef was that we were seated within inches of two other couples. And if we were a "real" couple and had nothing to hide, great, no problem. However, I just really felt like I wasn't going to be able to really talk to him there, and that I was going to feel like I had to have my guard up the entire time. So, we left. Steven was very sweet and understanding, and we went somewhere that we had been to before, somewhere that was less populated and more relaxing to me. We ate dinner, had a few drinks, and just enjoyed being together. We always have such a good time, it is amazing to me how much we just enjoy BEING TOGETHER.

We had been unsure of what to do with the rest of our evening, we both had agreed that having sex would be nice, so we decided to go to the swinger's club that we had joined a few weeks ago.

We arrived, and it was pretty mellow...some girl was dancing with the stripper pole, but not a whole lot of sex action going on. Just mostly everyone hanging out, being mellow. We wandered around a bit, sat and kissed and talked, and then went off to a private room. Being the tease that he is, Steven got me good and worked up, got me off a few times, and then put his clothes back on and promised me that we would finish later. Hell...he had already made me feel great so no worries from me!

We wandered a bit more, there was this couple there and I swear to you that the guy looked young enough to be my son. It was almost disturbing. Steven said it didn't sound like his voice had changed. He was 20, and was there with a 30 year old woman. They were going at it in the shower...poor guy though, he has to be questioned on his age all of the time!

We made our way back to a private room, and proceeded to have amazing hot sweaty sex. I had a skirt on and Steven was entering me from behind and grabbed the skirt and was able to pull me back into a great position. When we switched and I got on top of him, I was riding his dick and he was moving just enough that we had an incredible rhythm going that was almost too good to be true! I licked my fingers, played with my nipples, and gave in to another wonderful orgasm. After we had been going at it awhile, Steven got on top of me and asked if I wanted to swallow. Um..hello? PLEASE!!

He jumped off me just in time for me to take his hot load in my mouth, but this was ONE BIG LOAD. He just kept cumming and cumming and I needed to swallow but knew I would need to move my mouth away for a second. With an audible gulp I let it slide down my throat, yet ended up taking a shot on the side of my face and near my mouth. I caught the rest, and looked up at my sexy man. I could look at him 24/7 and never, ever get tired of it. His features are so perfect, his mouth so delicious, his smile melts my heart. Seriously, the best looking guy EVER. How did I get so lucky?

We cleaned up, got dressed, and left. I simply can not get enough of Steven! I am feeling like I am at a better place right now than I was a few weeks ago. I have had plenty of external stress that has been hard, and I can't begin to describe what a blessing Steven is to me. He knows just what I need to hear, and when. Sometimes I just need him to talk me through something in this mesmerizing, quiet voice that he gets, and all of a sudden everything seems okay. I have such a sense of calm right now with our relationship...I am accepting that what we have is okay for right now. I am at peace because I know that while we have our stupid disagreements here and there, we are solid. We are both strong willed people, and there are obvious sparks between us. Most of the time they are great sparks, sometimes they aren't. I would so rather have the sparks than the smoldering ashes that my marriage has become. And he challenges me. Stands on his own. Pushes me. I need this. I need a strong person. I have stopped feeling panicky about our future, because there is no doubt in my mind that we have a future. And that is all I need to know. I don't need to know what it looks like, when it is, how we will get there. I just need to know that it will happen. And I do.

Lastly, I know without a doubt that Steven will stand by me through anything. He already has. In the short time that we have been together, I have personally had some pretty substantial things happen. One was finding out that I had a cantaloupe sized ovarian cyst only a month into our relationship. He wasn't phased, he simply said something along the lines of "surgery happens" and was there for me through the entire thing. He snuck in to the hospital to see me the night after my surgery, left me sweet messages and emails, snuck over to see me at home when I was released from the hospital. YES...we didn't adhere to the no sex for 6 weeks thing, but we were careful...and it wasn't an issue. I have had some other personal challenges lately, and with his sweet calming voice he has helped me to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

I honestly can not see myself with out Steven. He is EXACTLY what I needed and wanted.

Happy 4th of July to all of you...I know that I am so thankful for the one that I make fireworks with as much as possible!

I AM SO BRAVE

Masturbation is a beautiful thing!

It's Father's Day, and my husband and the kids just went to an antique car show, which left me ALONE.

And last night, Steven and I had a great time...so great that recapping in my head just now lead my fingers down my jeans, under my thong, where they rubbed and teased until I was breathless and quivering on the couch.

SO...fingers licked clean of my own juices, it's time to type about what was so hot in the first place, don't you think?

We met for dinner and a drink, and of course good conversation. Typical Steven and Missy. After that, we went to this FANTASTIC place that we stumbled upon last week...that is worthy of a separate post. It is this little beach area, that is private, and way amazing. We parked and walked down to it, and sat on a log kissing, watching the water, boats, bridges, etc. Steven unzipped his pants and let me enjoy his cock for awhile...something about the sound of the water, the breeze, and his hard warm tastiness was getting me seriously aroused. I wanted Steven, and he knew it, but that wasn't the place.

We left, unsure of what to do next. We had a couple of hours...and we were aimlessly driving around. We thought about doing something that we had done before...going to a hot tub place, a porn theater, a porn store, etc. Neither one of us were being decisive, and time was wasting.

Steven pulled into the parking lot of a swinger's club and suggested that we check it out. I PANICKED. We had talked about places like this before. Neither one of us have much interest in swapping, we have talked about threesomes here and there. I think the bottom line is that neither one of us has ruled anything out completely. I have done stuff with Steven that I would have NEVER thought I would do...and not only that, I ENJOYED IT. We are both highly adventurous, highly sexual, and the two combined can get interesting.

Steven parked the car and suggested that we go in and look around. He said that we could leave if we didn't like it, but that it might be fun to watch other people and then go into a room by ourselves. I WAS FUCKING SHAKING AT THIS POINT. I started giving him a million reasons why it was a bad idea...I had sand in my shoes from the beach. I was dressed super casual. I wasn't prepared. I hadn't thought about it long enough.

He knows me WAY to well. He pointed out that we had gone to a porn theater and had sex in front of others, and not only did I get over the fact that people were WATCHING us, but I upped my braveness a notch and asked him to take me back a few days later, where I found having sex with him in front of people VERY HOT. I still need to blog about this!

He pointed out that the porn theater was way skeezier than this place, and that because I WAS SO BRAVE, AND THE BRAVEST GIRL HE KNEW, that I could do it.

He had me. And he knew it. He knows that two things make me putty in his hands...telling me how brave I am and referring to me by first and last name...ONLY USING HIS LAST NAME, not mine.

And the adorable brat DID BOTH. "Come on Missy ___________. You are SO BRAVE."

Well, hell. Yes I am!

We went in, asked about membership, and signed up. Steven paid the annual fee and the admittance fee, and we were off.

To me, someone that is DIRECTIONALLY RETARDED, it was like a maze. A big sex maze. Hot tubs (inside and outside), showers, rooms...some with windows, some without. Couches, beds, rooms with porn on, a cage with a sex swing, food, pool tables, a dance floor with a stripper pole (that my goof ball of a man decided to try out for me...he is FEARLESS I tell you).

It was fairly early in the night, and while there were people there, there wasn't much action going on. We wandered the maze, and as time passed, things picked up. A goth looking chic was being blindfolded and cuffed to the cage, while another girl (who, by the way had this GREAT jacket on that I want) started whipping her back. We sat and watched that for a bit, and I was slowly relaxing.

It wasn't skeezy. It was just a bunch of sex freaks, like us! Everyone looked and acted normal, either interacting or minding their own business. In typical Steven fashion, he struck up a conversation with some people, I just listened (secretly beaming because I love this about him...).

There was some serious sex action in one of the rooms...there was a window that you could watch (and listen) through. Originally it was a couple, by the end of our visit it was full blown swapping action that was ENTHUSIASTIC.

We went into a private room and locked the door. There was an aquarium and a red light overhead...just the perfect lighting. Steven immediately stripped, and intermittently took pieces of my clothing off while kissing me (we later agreed that it was seriously great kissing).

When I was down to nothing but my bra, we went at it in typical Steven and Missy fashion. Blow jobs, kissing, him going down on me, me tasting myself off of his lips when he kisses me, him on top, from behind, etc. Seriously, we have ADHD sex, which is the ONLY way to go in my opinion. I never know what will happen next, and we never seem to focus in any one place or position for too long. LOVE THIS!!

We could hear the people in the room next to us having sex, and that made it even hotter. After I had cum several times, Steve asked if he could open our door. I said yes...and so he did.

I have NO IDEA who watched. I was too focused on how amazing his cock felt in me. At one point I glanced up and saw someone standing there, the next time I glanced up there was no one.

When I was GIDDY from great sex, Steven told me he was going to cum in my mouth, and man did he ever! It was more than a swallow for me...I had to gulp and then gulp again, leaving a slight cumstache which he kissed off.

He laid on top of me, his damp skin against mine. We kissed and kissed and kissed some more, and then got dressed.

We peeked in on the serious swapping action next door, and then wandered around a bit more...the cage now had two men and a woman in it, she was in the swing being fucked while sucking on the other guy. And now that I was over the whole SHOCK, it was no big deal. Like watching a porn, live. No big deal, right?

I have a suspicion, just knowing how I am, that I might warm up to this idea even more...the whole being watched thing is exciting to Steven. I am starting to understand that. I have always considered myself open minded, but am becoming even more so...to the point that two men together doesn't phase me, I can understand pain as pleasure, and that great sex can put me in a better mood than I ever thought possible. I am also learning to love my body. I have Steven to thank for this. He loves every inch just the way it is, and I am figuring out that he isn't just saying that. And that it is okay for me to love myself too.

The best thing about all of this, is that being with Steve is like stretching. You think that you have gone as far as you can. However, if you want to, and if you choose to, you can go a bit further. He NEVER pushes anything on me, and if I don't want to do something, that is it. End of conversation. However, he knows that if I just STRETCH, there are things that I would really enjoy. Things that I never would have tried. He has yet to be wrong...even if my legs are shaking, even if I am trying to talk myself out of something, I am ALWAYS glad that I have done it.

And just when I think that we have done it all, he gets this glint in his eyes, this boyish grin that melts my heart, smiles at me, and reminds me that I am SO BRAVE...and we are off on another adventure.

Yep. I am SO BRAVE.