Don't you hate it when people say that something is the best/nicest/greatest whatever that you have ever done/seen/etc. and you know that they are just "saying it?"
Yeah, well I do.
So I am going to say something THAT IS NOT A LIE. THAT IS NOT TO FEED SOMEBODIES EGO. THAT IS NOT BEING SAID FOR THE HELL OF IT.
Steven gave me THE BEST ORAL I have EVER EVER EVER had this morning.
No lie.
Oral sex is tricky. It is very personal. Very intimate. Very submissive. When you are having regular sex, you can control quite a bit. I can move my hips, change positions or angles, adjust my body so that he is hitting just the right spot. I can have rapid fire orgasms, or I can play a mind game and hold out. The same goes for GIVING oral...guys like it (and need it) differently. Some guys get off at the thought of a blow job, others make you work a little harder for that glorious warm, wet finale.
Oral is different for me than many women. I like the fullness that a cock gives me. Mouths and/or fingers can take a bit more to get me off. HOWEVER, some of the most amazing orgasms come from oral. They are different, and oh-so-good. And sometimes, JUST WHAT I WANT.
That being said, Steven has always been good down there. Sometimes when he heads south I am just not wanting it, and I say so. Just the other day he was joking that I didn't want him messing around with any oral, that I just wanted his cock, and wanted it THEN AND NOW.
So, last night we have a glorious night out. We start with hungry, needy sex, where I lost count of the orgasms, and it was just crazy good. We went to dinner, had drinks, got my van stuck in mud while trying to spin around on ice, and then retreated to our hotel room again. More hot sex followed...we watched some porn (which was very, very, very hot...), and had a great night of sleep together.
This morning, we ordered room service, and while waiting for it to come we were playing around. Steven was licking and sucking on my nipples, and all of a sudden I HAD TO HAVE HIS MOUTH ON MY PUSSY. So I asked for it.
And let me tell you, it was magic. It was amazing. The man has mad skills. I have known this from the beginning, but he has PERFECTED the art of ORAL ON MISSY. Holy shit, within a couple of minutes I had a mind blowing orgasm.
And to have it followed up by breakfast in bed and feeling totally pampered and loved and adored by the love of my life? Exquisite. I am still laughing at his possessive tone that he took when the room service arrived and he told me to cover my boobs before opening the door.
So...it was a wonderful time together. However, I fucked up. It isn't easy for me to readily admit it, but I did. I chose to act like a brat at the end of our time together this morning. I chose to get upset over something stupid. He needed to call his wife and check in, and I got pissy. NOT COOL.
I love to lose myself in the fake world where spouses don't exist, and we are each other's one and only.
And then when the cold water hits my face and I remember that right now, right this second, today, that this is NOT my reality, sometimes I can't fake it. It bugs me. I hate it.
So, I acted like a brat. And it wasn't cool. I apologized later, and I am truly sorry. However, it sucks. It sucks to not be IT. It sucks to not be the ONLY ONE.
I have decided that I need to stop viewing it as threatening. I need to have the mindset that our spouses are just TECHNICALITIES. That they are a piece of the puzzle, and that is the reality. And married or not, we share kids with them, and divorce won't make them disappear. So I had better get used to that.
And you know what? He was WITH ME. I mean, really. What a brat I was being. He wasn't pouring her coffee, kissing her boobs, licking her pussy, enjoying her company. He was doing that with ME. Every day he chooses to spend time on ME. Talking, texting, being together. He gives ME that time. He finds ways to be away from home to be with ME. He loves ME. It is with ME that he wants a future.
So, after having these deep thoughts, I have vowed to myself to be more courteous about this. To appreciate the time I get more than I already do. To recognize the great gift that our time together is. And to remember that he gives ME sooooo much, and even when it feels like not enough, that it has to be enough for now.
When Steven and I said our goodnights via texting tonight, he sent me this:
"I loved being out with you last night. Being together just makes me feel fantastic. We are meant to be together. For sure."
My thoughts EXACTLY.
Download
Showing posts with label TANTRUMS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TANTRUMS. Show all posts
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
KISS IT AND MAKE IT BETTER
As always, we are behaving as our normal, volatile selves, and paying the price for it.
I used to be okay with the thought of Steven sleeping with his wife. It happens so infrequently. I am confident in myself, and in our relationship. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel like it is a competition. There is one thing, one BIG THING though that she has, and I don't.
She is MARRIED to him.
We have had our share of disputes regarding ME having sex with my husband. I understand each and every one of the issues. My husband has gotten sex with me when he pleases, regardless of what is going on, how I feel, etc. It is rarely good sex. It rarely lasts more than 10 minutes. It is a struggle for him to maintain an erection sometimes, and other times he is battling premature ejaculation. I know that Steven thinks that I am too accommodating. He thinks that my husband doesn't appreciate what he has. There are many more issues, and all of them make sense.
I have had a nonchalant attitude about Steven's sex life with is wife. I haven't cared too much. There are days that I don't want to hear about it, but overall I haven't cared.
This past week has been a week for laying ground work. I have had conversations with my mother, sister, and a friend regarding my marriage. I have insinuated to them that things aren't okay. That I am not happy. Most importantly, I have had a good conversation with my husband. A conversation that was along the lines of the fact that we are both unhappy, that we both deserve to be happy, and that we need to work together to be the best parents possible to our children while sorting things out and moving our own directions. And later that night when I saw him looking through picture albums, it was like a knife to my heart. Strangely, he looked peaceful. Accepting. Okay. However, he knows. I know. We have both known. We don't have a "marriage". We have a good partnership. A good arrangement. And we both should have so much more.
And I was feeling AMAZING. As if I could see this happening. As if I was finally headed in the right direction. And Steven and I were on the same page. We have set some obtainable, realistic goals. We aren't jumping into anything, we aren't being stupid. We aren't setting ourselves up for failure. Instead we are setting ourselves up for happiness, and success. We are realizing that we aren't getting any younger, and that each day is a gift and that we need put ourselves first for once.
So after days of hard conversations, after a week of accomplishments, I was feeling pretty damn good.
And Friday morning I get a text message from Steven while driving my kids to the dentist. It told me that he had sex with his wife last night.
I damn near lost it. Here I am, driving kids, on the freeway, going 80 MPH, and I start crying. I want to throw my phone in the river. I want to scream.
Here I am, working towards moving FORWARD, and he is FUCKING HER?
And it isn't that he had sex with her, it was that he had told me something, and did something completely different. And while I won't get into the details, I was not okay. I have said over and over to Steven that I AM DOING THIS RIGHT THIS TIME. No lies. No deception.
What evolved from this bloody text message was a day and a half of misery. Tears. Conversations. Heated text messaging wars. Silent treatments. Mean words flung around. I was done. I really was. I decided that I couldn't do this. That I couldn't handle the stress. The pain. That I would rather lose him than share him. That the thought of him with HER made me violently nauseous. I could NOT DO THIS.
So I told him so. It was D.O.N.E. done. If we both became untangled from our existing situations, great. I could do this. However, I had hit a wall. I couldn't share him. I couldn't do this. I love him too much, want him too bad, am too selfish.
I knew that I hurt him. I didn't care. He had hurt me. He had said one thing to me, and did something completely different. I can't stop him from having sex to the one that he is legally bound to. The one that he shares a bed with. HOWEVER, don't DO THIS TO ME! Don't TEXT ME about having sex with her when you KNOW that I have been working towards US and OUR FUTURE all week.
I agreed to meet him last night. And I had no intention of anything other than getting a drink and dinner, and talking. Figuring out how to move forward from this. Closure. I was seriously walking away. I didn't even shave *down there* all that perfect because I WAS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH HIM.
We were immediately fighting. We met at a grocery store parking lot, where we were just attacking each other for lame things. It was so so stupid. We were both emotionally raw, on the verge of tears, and we got in my van and Steve drove to "our lake", which, by the way was DRIED UP due to how hot and dry it has been.
We were sitting next to each other, it was hot, dry, dusty, there were people around, planes overhead, a train in the distance. Steve leans over and kisses me. And kisses me. And kisses me. And I kissed back. My hand on the back of his neck felt his warm skin, and it was if I was floating. IT WAS OK. I WAS GOING TO BE OK. WE WERE GOING TO BE OKAY. His hand wandered up my skirt...just enough for me to know that he needed to feel me. That I needed to feel him.
I knew in that moment that I needed to suck it up. Deal. I needed to hold his hand and support him through what he chooses to do. And I need the same from him. He knows the real Missy. He knows all that there is to know about me. He loves me completely. Unconditionally. We need each other. We deserve each other...good and bad. When I am a brat, he is a brat back and we deserve to be with people that can dish out exactly what the are given. We need to be with people that meet us in the middle. We need to be with people that will ALWAYS say yes to sex, will always kiss back, will always hunger for the other no matter how bad it gets.
We had a wonderful evening sprinkled with sex, drinks, food, and adventures. Add a dash of residual anger and frustration and you have a really white trash parking lot scene in front of the Swinger's Club. The details of the sex, and maybe the white trash parking lot scene will follow in another post.
The bottom line is this. I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE FOUND SOMEONE LIKE STEVEN. He doesn't give up. He is more stubborn than I am, and I didn't know that was possible. He puts me in my place. He can kiss it and make it all better.
I will never like the idea of him having sex with HER, as he will never like the idea of me having sex with HIM. My mantra is THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY because it is just that. TEMPORARY.
When the time is right, we will be untangled. We will be together. There is NO DOUBT in our minds that this is true.
Sex with spouses is going to happen. It hurts. It is hard. Conflicting. Confusing. So, I am going to choose to look at the big picture. I have nothing to be jealous of. NOTHING. I know where we stand, where we are headed.
And where we are headed is to a place where it ALWAYS feels as good as that kiss did last night. A place where things are sunny, and pretty, and sparkly, and warm, and fuzzy.
Like home.
I used to be okay with the thought of Steven sleeping with his wife. It happens so infrequently. I am confident in myself, and in our relationship. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel like it is a competition. There is one thing, one BIG THING though that she has, and I don't.
She is MARRIED to him.
We have had our share of disputes regarding ME having sex with my husband. I understand each and every one of the issues. My husband has gotten sex with me when he pleases, regardless of what is going on, how I feel, etc. It is rarely good sex. It rarely lasts more than 10 minutes. It is a struggle for him to maintain an erection sometimes, and other times he is battling premature ejaculation. I know that Steven thinks that I am too accommodating. He thinks that my husband doesn't appreciate what he has. There are many more issues, and all of them make sense.
I have had a nonchalant attitude about Steven's sex life with is wife. I haven't cared too much. There are days that I don't want to hear about it, but overall I haven't cared.
This past week has been a week for laying ground work. I have had conversations with my mother, sister, and a friend regarding my marriage. I have insinuated to them that things aren't okay. That I am not happy. Most importantly, I have had a good conversation with my husband. A conversation that was along the lines of the fact that we are both unhappy, that we both deserve to be happy, and that we need to work together to be the best parents possible to our children while sorting things out and moving our own directions. And later that night when I saw him looking through picture albums, it was like a knife to my heart. Strangely, he looked peaceful. Accepting. Okay. However, he knows. I know. We have both known. We don't have a "marriage". We have a good partnership. A good arrangement. And we both should have so much more.
And I was feeling AMAZING. As if I could see this happening. As if I was finally headed in the right direction. And Steven and I were on the same page. We have set some obtainable, realistic goals. We aren't jumping into anything, we aren't being stupid. We aren't setting ourselves up for failure. Instead we are setting ourselves up for happiness, and success. We are realizing that we aren't getting any younger, and that each day is a gift and that we need put ourselves first for once.
So after days of hard conversations, after a week of accomplishments, I was feeling pretty damn good.
And Friday morning I get a text message from Steven while driving my kids to the dentist. It told me that he had sex with his wife last night.
I damn near lost it. Here I am, driving kids, on the freeway, going 80 MPH, and I start crying. I want to throw my phone in the river. I want to scream.
Here I am, working towards moving FORWARD, and he is FUCKING HER?
And it isn't that he had sex with her, it was that he had told me something, and did something completely different. And while I won't get into the details, I was not okay. I have said over and over to Steven that I AM DOING THIS RIGHT THIS TIME. No lies. No deception.
What evolved from this bloody text message was a day and a half of misery. Tears. Conversations. Heated text messaging wars. Silent treatments. Mean words flung around. I was done. I really was. I decided that I couldn't do this. That I couldn't handle the stress. The pain. That I would rather lose him than share him. That the thought of him with HER made me violently nauseous. I could NOT DO THIS.
So I told him so. It was D.O.N.E. done. If we both became untangled from our existing situations, great. I could do this. However, I had hit a wall. I couldn't share him. I couldn't do this. I love him too much, want him too bad, am too selfish.
I knew that I hurt him. I didn't care. He had hurt me. He had said one thing to me, and did something completely different. I can't stop him from having sex to the one that he is legally bound to. The one that he shares a bed with. HOWEVER, don't DO THIS TO ME! Don't TEXT ME about having sex with her when you KNOW that I have been working towards US and OUR FUTURE all week.
I agreed to meet him last night. And I had no intention of anything other than getting a drink and dinner, and talking. Figuring out how to move forward from this. Closure. I was seriously walking away. I didn't even shave *down there* all that perfect because I WAS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH HIM.
We were immediately fighting. We met at a grocery store parking lot, where we were just attacking each other for lame things. It was so so stupid. We were both emotionally raw, on the verge of tears, and we got in my van and Steve drove to "our lake", which, by the way was DRIED UP due to how hot and dry it has been.
We were sitting next to each other, it was hot, dry, dusty, there were people around, planes overhead, a train in the distance. Steve leans over and kisses me. And kisses me. And kisses me. And I kissed back. My hand on the back of his neck felt his warm skin, and it was if I was floating. IT WAS OK. I WAS GOING TO BE OK. WE WERE GOING TO BE OKAY. His hand wandered up my skirt...just enough for me to know that he needed to feel me. That I needed to feel him.
I knew in that moment that I needed to suck it up. Deal. I needed to hold his hand and support him through what he chooses to do. And I need the same from him. He knows the real Missy. He knows all that there is to know about me. He loves me completely. Unconditionally. We need each other. We deserve each other...good and bad. When I am a brat, he is a brat back and we deserve to be with people that can dish out exactly what the are given. We need to be with people that meet us in the middle. We need to be with people that will ALWAYS say yes to sex, will always kiss back, will always hunger for the other no matter how bad it gets.
We had a wonderful evening sprinkled with sex, drinks, food, and adventures. Add a dash of residual anger and frustration and you have a really white trash parking lot scene in front of the Swinger's Club. The details of the sex, and maybe the white trash parking lot scene will follow in another post.
The bottom line is this. I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE FOUND SOMEONE LIKE STEVEN. He doesn't give up. He is more stubborn than I am, and I didn't know that was possible. He puts me in my place. He can kiss it and make it all better.
I will never like the idea of him having sex with HER, as he will never like the idea of me having sex with HIM. My mantra is THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY because it is just that. TEMPORARY.
When the time is right, we will be untangled. We will be together. There is NO DOUBT in our minds that this is true.
Sex with spouses is going to happen. It hurts. It is hard. Conflicting. Confusing. So, I am going to choose to look at the big picture. I have nothing to be jealous of. NOTHING. I know where we stand, where we are headed.
And where we are headed is to a place where it ALWAYS feels as good as that kiss did last night. A place where things are sunny, and pretty, and sparkly, and warm, and fuzzy.
Like home.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
IT ISN'T FAIR
To those of you looking to read something sexy and hot, skip this post. To those of you that realize that harsh reality that affairs can sometimes SUCK, and you want to feel like you aren't alone, keep reading.
I am wondering if I am truly cut out for this. All of my previous affairs have been so different. And this relationship with Steven is unlike anything else.
I love him. And, it's weird, because I have thought that I loved before. I know that I love my husband, he is the father of my children, and we have a history together. It isn't the same though. The love that I have for Steven is all consuming, deep, and unlike any love I have felt before.
I have gotten used to a high level of communication from him. A good amount of time with him. And when things happen, like vacation time, days off, etc. it is getting to be TOO FUCKING HARD on me. I try, really try, to be stronger than that. To be not as needy. To act like I don't care. And I am failing miserably.
I know there are people out there that would kill to have the amount of time that we have together. I know that there are those that are doing this long distance, and I can't imagine how hard that is. I know that it could be worse for me.
I also know that something has occurred to me in the past few days, something that I can't get out of my mind.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE TOP PRIORITY IN ANY RELATIONSHIP THAT I HAVE EVER HAD.
And I am tired of it.
My husband has always put himself, his job, and our kids first. I know that my place is somewhere after that. Every extramarital relationship that I have been involved with is a no brainer, there has been a wife/girlfriend that comes first.
I have a sibling that was favored growing up, and is still favored as an adult. I have always felt like I had something to prove within my family...that I couldn't compete with my thinner, prettier sisters. I have always gone above and beyond with work, whether or not it is noticed, because I have something to prove. I care way the hell too much about what other people think, and what things look like to the rest of the world.
This is NOT where I was supposed to be. I was NOT supposed to be in my 30's and living the way that I am. If you would have asked me at 16 what my future looked like, it would have included four years of college, a great job, then marriage, and then kids, and the picket fence, and all that goes with it. An amazing sex life, a husband that I couldn't wait to be with when he would get home from work, smart and adorable kids.
Guess what? I HAVE THE SMART AND ADORABLE KIDS. And that is IT.
NEVER would I have thought that I would look over at my sleeping husband and wish it were someone else.
NEVER would I have thought that I would go to church on Sunday, teach Vacation Bible School, teach my kids right from wrong, and WITH NO GUILT be having an affair.
NEVER would I have thought that I would be able to look so damn normal, yet have a complete second life. That I could volunteer at the kid's schools by day, and fuck a married man at night. YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF YOU SAW ME WHAT MY LIFE IS REALLY LIKE.
This past week we have had two amazing experiences together. Two very different, very special, unforgettable experiences. One was a fantastic evening that ended with spontaneous sex outside (future post material), and one was a junk food picnic at a park filled with deep intimate conversation that I still haven't fully processed. And while they were both special for very different reasons, they were both so US. So typical of who we are as a couple.
And when I think of these times together this week, I could lay on the ground and kick and scream like a toddler. Really. HOW is this FAIR? WHY does it have to be like this? Is this a cruel joke? Neither one of us have had EASY lives. We have both had challenges, obstacles, hardships. And now THIS. I can sit and look into his eyes over Chex Mix while he pours his heart out, yet I have to go home to someone that doesn't even notice that I am in the same room as him. I can be bent over the hood of my vehicle having sex in broad daylight and it is HOTTTT, but he has to go home to someone that would never do that.
IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR. (Tantrum completed for now).
I am wondering if I am truly cut out for this. All of my previous affairs have been so different. And this relationship with Steven is unlike anything else.
I love him. And, it's weird, because I have thought that I loved before. I know that I love my husband, he is the father of my children, and we have a history together. It isn't the same though. The love that I have for Steven is all consuming, deep, and unlike any love I have felt before.
I have gotten used to a high level of communication from him. A good amount of time with him. And when things happen, like vacation time, days off, etc. it is getting to be TOO FUCKING HARD on me. I try, really try, to be stronger than that. To be not as needy. To act like I don't care. And I am failing miserably.
I know there are people out there that would kill to have the amount of time that we have together. I know that there are those that are doing this long distance, and I can't imagine how hard that is. I know that it could be worse for me.
I also know that something has occurred to me in the past few days, something that I can't get out of my mind.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE TOP PRIORITY IN ANY RELATIONSHIP THAT I HAVE EVER HAD.
And I am tired of it.
My husband has always put himself, his job, and our kids first. I know that my place is somewhere after that. Every extramarital relationship that I have been involved with is a no brainer, there has been a wife/girlfriend that comes first.
I have a sibling that was favored growing up, and is still favored as an adult. I have always felt like I had something to prove within my family...that I couldn't compete with my thinner, prettier sisters. I have always gone above and beyond with work, whether or not it is noticed, because I have something to prove. I care way the hell too much about what other people think, and what things look like to the rest of the world.
This is NOT where I was supposed to be. I was NOT supposed to be in my 30's and living the way that I am. If you would have asked me at 16 what my future looked like, it would have included four years of college, a great job, then marriage, and then kids, and the picket fence, and all that goes with it. An amazing sex life, a husband that I couldn't wait to be with when he would get home from work, smart and adorable kids.
Guess what? I HAVE THE SMART AND ADORABLE KIDS. And that is IT.
NEVER would I have thought that I would look over at my sleeping husband and wish it were someone else.
NEVER would I have thought that I would go to church on Sunday, teach Vacation Bible School, teach my kids right from wrong, and WITH NO GUILT be having an affair.
NEVER would I have thought that I would be able to look so damn normal, yet have a complete second life. That I could volunteer at the kid's schools by day, and fuck a married man at night. YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF YOU SAW ME WHAT MY LIFE IS REALLY LIKE.
This past week we have had two amazing experiences together. Two very different, very special, unforgettable experiences. One was a fantastic evening that ended with spontaneous sex outside (future post material), and one was a junk food picnic at a park filled with deep intimate conversation that I still haven't fully processed. And while they were both special for very different reasons, they were both so US. So typical of who we are as a couple.
And when I think of these times together this week, I could lay on the ground and kick and scream like a toddler. Really. HOW is this FAIR? WHY does it have to be like this? Is this a cruel joke? Neither one of us have had EASY lives. We have both had challenges, obstacles, hardships. And now THIS. I can sit and look into his eyes over Chex Mix while he pours his heart out, yet I have to go home to someone that doesn't even notice that I am in the same room as him. I can be bent over the hood of my vehicle having sex in broad daylight and it is HOTTTT, but he has to go home to someone that would never do that.
IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR. (Tantrum completed for now).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)