First things first. We are just fine. If you happened to read a dramatic and horrid post by me recently, and now it is deleted, know this: I wrote it in a state of anger and pain. I wrote it with raw emotion. And I wrote things that I shouldn't have. I wasn't telling it like it was. I am leaving it at that. I WAS WRONG.
Steven and I are great. Really great. This is going to be a big year for us. Massive changes are happening on my side...my husband moved out. My place of work abruptly closed down on New Year's Eve. I am exploring this foreign world of unemployment and single parenting. So far so good. I am tough. I haven't let myself throw a pity party for more than a few seconds, and I am pretty proud of that. I am being proactive with my life now. I feel a sense of freedom that I haven't felt in years. I feel like I am being the best mom I could possibly be. And I know that while things won't be easy, that I am headed in the right direction.
I also know that Steven and I are headed in the right direction. This period of time where he is still in his existing relationship and I have this new found freedom is sure to test us. HOWEVER, I can do this. We can do this.
If last night was a glimpse into what life with him would be like, I am not letting him go for anything. It was my first night at home, without kids. They were with their dad. And Steven came over to spend the night. We had the nicest evening together, enjoying "playing house" and not being in a hotel room. We went to dinner, had drinks together at home, watched TV (don't worry...he paused Biggest Loser to give me a real good fucking on the family room floor), and had a glorious night of sleep (and more sex) together.
It felt RIGHT. I could see it. See us. Now, I am not stupid...I realize that between the two of us there are a fuck load of kids. And I realize with a fuck load of kids that may or may not be around that having sex on the family room floor during Biggest Loser is probably not as likely. HOWEVER, it wasn't *that* aspect of it. It was the being real, doing real things, in a real environment that felt so right. So perfect.
I feel like we have turned a corner. December was fucking rough. I could not have had another hardship happen or it would have done me in. I am STILL wading through some hard stuff. However, the constant has been Steven. Yes, we fight and fight ugly. We are passionate, and sometimes in a bad way. Yet, he is there. He is always there. The day I found out that my workplace was closing, I called him crying. He was there in minutes holding me. That night he laid with me while I processed the whole thing and what it meant. He let me cry, be angry, and work through it. It was snowing that night, and amongst the dark cloud that I felt I was under, his warm lips amongst snowflakes by "our lake" made it all manageable.
We have been through more this past year than many people experience in years of marriage. Some of it has been beautiful. Some ugly. Some scary. Some exciting. All of it new.
This WILL be an amazing year. I can't WAIT to see where it leads us. I have SO MUCH that I am looking forward to. I am learning that I can't be a control freak all of the time. I have no idea where I will end up as far as a job goes. I have no idea what my living situation will be. I have no idea how the process of slowly merging our lives together will work. I have no idea how getting divorced will work. There are SO MANY UNKNOWNS!
And yet, I am relatively relaxed. Sometimes losing big things is what it takes to realize what is important. My kids. My health. My faith. My family. My friends.
My Steven.
