KISSING, RISKS, AND PUBLIC PLACES

As if my previous posts haven't been random or spastic enough. Here are my top thoughts today...

I could kiss him for hours. Lips, tongues, gums (I love his gums...weird, I know). My nose breathing in the scent of his face. My fingers wandering wherever they please. Heaven is an understatement. Kissing is practically nonexistent in my marriage. And I LOVE KISSING. There is NOTHING like kissing Steven. NOTHING.

FUN FACT (because I love to research): Kissing is a complex behavior that requires significant muscular coordination; a total of thirty-four facial muscles and 112 postural muscles are used during a kiss. THANKS, Wikipedia! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kiss

Second random thought: RISK.

As is having an extramarital affair isn't naughty enough...sometimes doing stuff that isn't a part of your "real" life when you are with someone that isn't a part of your "real" life is very exciting. I love drinking and smoking with Steve, two things that aren't a part of our real lives for the most part. Never in a million years would I have been willing to have naked pictures taken of me, again, something that I have enjoyed with Steven. Perhaps it is the RISK FACTOR, but I really believe it is WHO I am doing things with that makes it exciting...I would bet folding laundry with Steve could be hot.

Aside from our sexual experimentation, and just the sheer joy that comes from being together, we have found other things that we enjoy doing. Steven is a FOOD LOVER (like NO ONE THAT I HAVE EVER MET BEFORE) and it is just not fair that he maintains his perfect body regardless. He has a broad knowledge of "low risk" restaurants and bars that are usually in places that are of minimal concern...running into someone there is so unlikely that it isn't even funny. And he enjoys the whole EXPERIENCE of eating together, which has been a new thing for me. At first I thought it was funny, but I am starting to get it. Steven finds pleasure in almost everything, including sharing a meal. It's quite sweet. And, yes, we aren't hanging out at the restaurants in my town or his, but still...it is a very public RISK.

We have frequented a small bar several times together often enough that our drinks are known by the bartender. And of course, being the friendliest guy on earth, Steven knows her name. And sometimes we wonder, do we appear to be what we are? Do we LOOK like people that are married to OTHER people? I would love to know! The last time we were there, the bartender referred to me as his GIRLFRIEND. We rarely go anywhere without our wedding rings on, so??? This is just one of those things that I really would be interested in asking some random stranger. What do you think our relationship is? Again, just frequenting somewhere repeatedly could be considered a RISK.

We have both been in positions of having to think fast with regard to our relationship. He stopped in at my work...quick, how did I meet him? Concoct believable story. Friends on Facebook? I am now a "customer" of his at work. Believable story concocted. It is alarming at how easy lying can become. Easy, yet NECESSARY. And...a potential RISK.

So...here is the point of all of this RISK talk. We decided, last night, to drink at a place that I have been frequenting with friends for over 5 years. It's small, dark, and not what I would call a hip place to hang at. It tends to draw an older crowd, be a bit of a meat market, but is usually a pretty fun place.

We arrived, had ordered drinks, and Steven went to use the bathroom. And all of a sudden, he is calling me. I answer, and in a mildly panicked tone he informs me that my co-worker is there, and saw him, and was headed towards me. Apparently, she said hi, and asked who he was with. Without answering, he eluded that it was me, and directed her to where I was sitting. Now, about this co-worker. She has met Steve, knows that we are friends. That is the extent of it. She has hinted that she thinks he "likes me". She is someone that isn't naturally a monogamous person, knows a bit about my past, and has a past of her own. Let's just say, she has my back and I have hers. SO...as far as running into someone in public, this was a low risk person.

HOWEVER, she has her sister with her. Her sister that has met my husband. SHIT. I am FREAKING OUT. I see them walking towards me, my co-worker is excited to see me. She sits down with her sister, and apparently the sheer terror that I am feeling is evident. Steve returns, and instinctively puts his hand on my knee. I move his hand. THIS IS TOO FUCKING SCARY.

Long story short, co-worker's sister thinks I don't like her because of the vibe I am giving off. I had a few drinks in me, and decided to just lay it out. I looked at her and basically told her that my husband did not need to know that I was there with another man. Funny thing was, she remembered my husband, but not the fact that I was his wife! She was relieved to know that I didn't dislike her, and everything was cool. She could have cared less. I lightened up, and enjoyed myself.

Have you ever heard someone say that they fell in love all over again when they see their significant other do something? This HAPPENED last night. This was my first experience with Steven and people from my REAL LIFE in a social setting. And I am sitting there, watching him interact with my co-worker and her sister. Asking about jobs, relationships, kids, interests. Wanting details because that is just the type of person he is. I LOVE THIS ABOUT HIM MORE THAN I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO ADEQUATELY EXPRESS. I have spent 12 years being the one to carry the social life within my marriage. And here are these girls that are both younger than us, having this great time with MY STEVEN. Agreeing with me that he has an amazing ass while he wasn't at the table. Telling him he doesn't look his age (because he doesn't). Having fun.

I am telling you what, if that isn't hot, I don't know what is. I could have pounced on him right then and there. Just when I thought I couldn't love him any more than I already do...

RISKY? Possibly. Worth it? DEFINITELY.

HITTING A WALL

Amongst the Ashley Madison disasters, I turned 30. I was so panicked by that. I could rattle off lists of accomplishments over the past 10 years, yet felt so unfulfilled in a huge way. It had everything to do with my relationship with my husband. There was an emptiness to me, a feeling that there had to be more out there. That there had to be a way for me to be happier.

I would be running errands, and look at men. And wonder if they were happy. I spent hours thinking that my ideal situation would be to meet someone that was perfect for me, yet was in a similar situation and wasn't in a position to leave their wife or family. Someone that I could be fulfilled with on a sexual level, but have some more depth to the relationship as well. I wanted to KNOW them, their life, their feelings, and to be able to fill a void in their life like the one I so desperately needed filled.

I began working out after Christmas. My weight loss had plateaued, and it was time to take the next step. I hated every second of it, yet, as I became stronger and more in shape, I craved it. And the results were nice too! And for the first time, my friends and family noticed the changes. The compliments were nice. And I could actually see a difference when looking at pictures. While I still had (and have) more that I want to lose, it was a good feeling to get rid of 17 pairs of pants that were too big. I took a picture of the pants in a pile before I gave them away...as a reminder to myself of what I had done.

My husband and I hit the worst point in our marriage to date. We hit a wall. We were arguing...up until the wee hours of the morning because we wouldn't have heated conversations while the kids were awake. He had no clue what was going on with anything...our schedules, the kids schedules, our finances, nothing. And I was sick of it. The sex was nonexistent, I was tired of being rejected. I continued to try to initiate sex with him almost daily, and if I succeeded once a week I was lucky.

He wasn't making the best decisions with regards to our new business. We seriously contemplated selling it.

We both knew that if we separated, that we would be financially screwed. We knew that if we walked away from the business, it would be worse. We talked about bankruptcy and child custody. They were HARD CONVERSATIONS. We both cried several times over the course of a week while this was taking place.

And, not surprisingly, he stepped up to the plate. He stopped chewing, and bought Nicorette. He started keeping a calender. He got things taken care of on a business level, and met with his mom and arranged the money end of the business better.

I knew though, without a doubt, that most of this was temporary. I had seen it before. Yet, I quietly sat back and watched him cling to anything he could grab on to.

Early in February, my boss asked me to join him on a quick trip to California. I jumped at the chance. I was ecstatic to get away for two nights...to fly alone, travel alone, be alone. And to be around work people that inspire me.

The meetings I attended were good, but the time that wasn't work related was better. My boss showed me a good time...I drank with his friends on the most extravagant house boat I have ever seen. My boss took me to dinner with two female friends of his (he has a pimp like quality), and we drank wine and shared plates of Cajun food at a restaurant where Leonardo DiCaprio was dining just tables away. Apparently, cool California people DON'T STARE. I had a hard time with that.

The last day I was there, my boss took me sight seeing around San Francisco. I had never been there. We drove through beautiful places, had drinks on the water mid morning, met friends of his for a quick visit. We drove across the Golden Gate Bridge, and parked at a view point, where we both sat in silence with the radio on, absorbing the beauty of the city, and silently pondering the relationship issues that we were both having. We asked no questions of each other, yet had both shared that things were not okay with our significant others.

And when it was time for me to head to the airport, I dropped my boss off, and drove the rental car across the city. Alone. And while I am directionally disabled to the fullest extent possible, I didn't get lost. And for a brief time, while driving like I was a native, listening to loud music with the window down, I forgot. Forgot what I had waiting back at home. Forgot my misery. And then it was time to fly home...time to remember.

When my plane landed, I took the shuttle to my car in the airport parking lot. I was not more than a mile from the airport when the tears started. Hard. I hadn't cried like that in a long time. I could barely see. I was sobbing.

I didn't want to go home. I couldn't do this. I could not live like this. I knew that I would hurt my husband, my kids, my family, and much more. Yet I didn't see any other way. I wasn't going to be happy like this. I knew that with conviction. And I knew that the likelihood of finding an extramarital relationship like I had dreamed about wasn't likely either.

I decided to sit on it for a few weeks, and see what happened. Yet, I was certain that I was headed for divorce. My husband was clueless...my swollen upper lip (sure sign I was sucking dick or crying) wasn't even noticed by him when I got home from the airport.

Two days later, I was home, with my kids. It was Saturday February 7th. My house was spotless, the kids were playing together nicely. I sat down in my living room with my laptop, and began perusing Craigslist. I had done this before, just read ads out of curiosity. Sometimes there were ads that were interesting, but I was too chicken to reply. I read some ads in the CASUAL ENCOUNTERS section, under M4W. Loser after loser, looking for a quick lay.

And like a ton of bricks, the thought crossed my mind...I SHOULD POST AN AD. I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.

And I did. Without a second thought.