THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS. WE ARE CRAZZZZZZZY.

Evidence of another wonderful night together...yes, we begged, borrowed, and stole to get a sleepover last night. And when I left the hotel room this morning, Steven sent me this picture on his cell phone.

This is sooooo us. I mean, really...the MOTEL 6 logo on the phone just really seals the deal on the white trash factor...combined with the energy drink, cigarette, lighter, vibrator, lube, RUSH, gum, and......drum roll.......STEVE'S WEDDING RING. Yes, that is right, because REMOVING THE RING BEFORE FUCKING MAKES IT...never mind. It just makes it not fall off when lube is involved. You thought I had some backasswards justification happening, didn't you?

Yeah...I am not THAT nuts. Yet.

Let's just tell it like it is.

We are a bit nuts. Not psycho, dangerous around kids, watch out or I will steal your cat, I talk to myself all the time, look at me wrong and I will bite you nuts.

Nope, not that kind of nuts.

Nuts as in WE ARE REALLY GOOD, UPSTANDING CITIZENS THAT HAVE JOBS, AND LOTS OF KIDS, AND MORTGAGES, AND SPOUSES, AND CHURCHES, AND FRIENDS, AND HOBBIES, AND WE CAN HOLD AN INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION, FIGHT A WICKED FIGHT, AND DAMN IT WE ARE CUTE....BUT....we have this inner freak, party it up, run around and be silly, let's pretend we don't have responsibilities, yes that is us with the loud rap music dancing in the minivan....nuts.

THAT kind of nuts.

I asked Steve this morning if I was his mid life crisis. He refused to answer because he said it is a really dumb question.

In a sense though, we ARE each other's crisis. Really.

Our love is not a crisis. Our sex is not a crisis. Having fun together is not a crisis. What is a crisis is that we have been FUCKING STUCK. FUCKING TRAPPED. FUCKING UNFULFILLED. And THAT my friends, is a CRISIS.

And until the day comes that we can be free to be US...we live amongst crisis. We cram a full blown relationship, complete with head over heels love, into a fraction of what legit couples have. We have sex with fervor, knowing that any sex we get at home is merely like a JELLO PUDDING CUP when we know that the MUD PIE FROM RED ROBIN is out there counting the seconds until we meet again. We fight like our lives depend on it, because sometimes I think they do. Why not freak out on the one that GETS IT THE MOST? The one that UNDERSTANDS? The one that has filled this huge void, yet when you are apart the void is bigger than any void that was there before?

People take SO MUCH for granted. I admit, I have been this way before too. Yet, when I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache from too many margaritas, I was APPRECIATIVE.

I was APPRECIATIVE of Steven's skin touching mine. I was APPRECIATIVE of the hangover, because it meant that we had a wonderful, wild, crazy night together. I was APPRECIATIVE of the bed, the sheets, the roof, the warmth, the room...because that is so much more than many, many people have. I was APPRECIATIVE of exhaustion...because what caused that was having sex for 2 hours in the middle of the night. I was APPRECIATIVE of Steven...thankful that he found me, thankful that we have each other, thankful that he is my future.

It is way too easy to take it for granted. Eleven years ago, I was a year into marriage with a new baby, working on buying a home, a decent job, and looking forward to a future of all that is bright and shiny. I was 19 going on 40. And I APPRECIATED none of it (except the baby). And after watching my marriage unravel, my sex life with my husband become bleak, and the realization that I went from a senior in high school to a van driving mommy overnight, I feel cheated. By my own doing.

SO...I am acting out a bit. Just a skosh. Steven is too. We pretend we aren't.

But really, we are.

And guess what? I am OKAY with being a bit nuts. And if this is more than a phase, I am okay with that too. If we become senior citizens that are having a few too many drinks on a Saturday night, stopping in at a Swinger's Club, and then having sex all night, WHO CARES? The reality is that we are both having needs met that have been neglected for years. Everything that we do is special, meaningful, precious. Everything we do is feeding us in some way, shape, or form.

We have so much fun together...I love being in public with him...I love seeing him get checked out by other women AND HE IS MINE and that feels amazing. I love how he makes me laugh. I love how comfortable we are together. I love that we are so intertwined with each other's lives that we often have to stop ourselves from talking about each other to our friends and families.

And I love how adventurous we are. I feel so free when we are together. I try new things. Last night I HAD MY FIRST FULL BLOWN FISTING EXPERIENCE. If you are into this, leave a comment...I want to know what other people think. I liked it. I wasn't sure if I wanted his hand moved a lot once it was in, but I certainly liked the feeling of fullness. There is certainly a level of trust and patience required, and it has a feeling of intimacy that is really hard to explain.

My only regret is that I wasn't completely sober. Next time I will be.

I have spent some time this morning reading about fisting, and what I have found is quite interesting. There is quite a bit of writing out there on the spiritual aspect of fisting. The first article I read talked about what the fist can be symbolic of from a biblical sense, complete with scripture to back it up. I was questioning this a bit, but kept researching (nerd that I am). What I found is that there are books on this, many articles, and dozens of personal testimonies from people seriously moved by the highly sensual yet spiritual experiences that they have had with fisting.

So...our two hour sexathon was amazing. All of it was great. I needed that. I haven't been with someone, ever, that I could just PLAY with for hours on end. Steve stays hard. Can cum when he wants and it isn't over if he doesn't want it to be. He is patient, and eager to please. He is excited to do it all, and loves making me happy. Steven absorbs all aspects of sex...he pays close attention, and humors me by recapping it to me when I ask afterwards.

I want to read more on fisting and do this again, ASAP.

Our finale was him cumming in my ass (he teases me because when we first met I said this was one thing I wasn't really crazy about...funny how things change...I have let him do it twice now...) while he was on top of me. This was the ultimate in intimate endings, a perfect way to end an intimate time in bed. Looking at his beautiful face, his eyes fierce with love for me, and feeling my body completely relaxed and surrendered to him...truly amazing.

Mid life crisis? Nah

Nuts? Okay, in some ways.

Building a future amongst an underground life speckled with incredible sex, crazy ass moments of juvenile behavior, good food and better drinks, Camel Lights, hotel rooms, lube, unknowing spouses, lots of kids, and above it all an incredible amount of love for each other? YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE DOING.

LOOK ALL YOU WANT HONEY, BUT HE IS MINE

So...nothing heals hurt feelings like great sex, right?

Like I said in my previous post, we met up Saturday night. Yes, we had our "white trash parking lot scene" in front of the Swinger's Club...this was the result of me being pouty and Steven being a brat (okay, I was being a brat too). And in the heat of our retarded dispute, I looked up at him (I was sitting on the curb) and LAUGHED. Uncontrollably LAUGHED. And Steve laughed. And we COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING! He grabbed my hand, we got in my van, and went to get more drinks, still laughing at HOW STUPID AND STUBBORN we both are. SERIOUSLY. We truly deserve each other.

Prior to this stupid fight, we had gone to dinner and arrived at the Swinger's Club. Going there allows us to have a sexual atmosphere, a private room, watch people doing all kinds of things, snacks, and just be together for $40.00. Hell of a deal versus a hotel room. We went in, wandered around a bit, and went to a private room a lot sooner than we normally would. WE NEEDED EACH OTHER. We needed to reaffirm our commitment to each other in a sexual way. Nothing heals the wounds of a fight like a good fuck.

We both needed it. Bad. I wanted it ALL...sometimes my body frustrates me because I can't figure out what I need. I told him to lick me, I had the URGENT FEELING that I needed to feel his warm mouth on my pussy. It was really odd for me to feel this so desperately. The great thing about us is that there is no hesitation. We both have no qualms in asking for something. We want to meet each other's needs, we want to make each sexual encounter exactly what the other person needed it to be.

We tossed and turned and switched around quite a bit, just not able to get enough of each other. We kissed and touched and grabbed and tasted and held and fucked and thoroughly enjoyed the way our bodies make us feel when they are together.

Sweaty, thirsty, and satisfied, we left (insert parking lot scene). After getting another round of drinks, we went back to the Swinger's Club. There was more action going on...sex in hot tubs, LOTS of naked people. At one point I was thoroughly enjoying watching a guy performing oral sex on a woman in front of everyone. I whispered to Steven that I wanted to touch her boobs, he said GO FOR IT, but I was too chicken. Maybe another time...

I wanted to give Steven a blow job right in front of people, but he wasn't feeling it...he later said that he wished he would have said yes. We met a few people, there was a lady that was there with her husband that was seriously checking Steven out. I like this...but my arrogant snotty side wants a t-shirt that says something like LOOK ALL YOU WANT HONEY, BUT HE IS MINE. Can you tell that we are not "lifestyle" people? I mean, we have our freaky sides, we have TALKED about dabbling in a few different scenarios, but neither one of us has any interest in SWAPPING. I can't with certainty say that we never will...I mean, in 6 months with Steven I have done things that I would have NEVER IMAGINED. So, never say never. He likes the idea of another woman with me, this is something that I would be open to. Basically, we are on a case by case, day by day, conversation by conversation basis. The appeal with joining a Swinger's Club for us was the environment, we both have voyeuristic tendencies, we both have exhibitionist tendencies (even TYPING THIS is hard for me because I still have not fully wrapped my mind around the fact that I really have enjoyed being watched). It also gave us a place to go where we could be alone, have sex, and be together. I have also recently expressed a desire to really watch another couple, and this is something that we are exploring. I want to watch another couple, start to finish, have sex. REALLY WATCH. It would be nice if they were both somewhat appealing to me, but that isn't super important. I just think it would be REALLY HOT.

So...we basically spent the rest of the evening getting really aroused, and at this point it was crazy late, we had both been drinking, and we decided to get a hotel room. HUGE ISSUE...there was some event going on and everything was booked! It was 3 am and we are WANDERING trying to find a stupid hotel room! Crazy. We finally did (shout out to the Clarion for being reasonable, high quality, and a great deal).

We showered, and got into bed damp, naked, sleepy, and horny. Great combo! And thus began a contortionist event that rivals the best directed porn out there. I was really in the mood to have my hand working my clit, which isn't my norm. I just had the urge! I kept apologizing to Steven, and he kept telling me to knock it off. I just feel bad when I do that, like he isn't enough. I have no problem having an orgasm (or several) from penetration alone. I don't need the clitoral stimulation to get off. When I am masturbating, this is the fastest, easiest way for me to take care of business. With a partner though, I rarely do this, it isn't necessary. That night though I just wanted that little extra something that playing with myself adds to sex.

We were going at it in every way possible, and at one point Steven had his fingers in me while I touched myself. I wanted more fingers! Please! It wasn't working with me being on all fours, in this position a couple of fingers felt like too much. I laid on my back, and with the help of some lube, Steven had four fingers working on me while I rubbed my clit. I had my left hand playing with his ass that was up in the air, and he had his left hand stroking his cock. He was backing into my lubed finger and I have to say this was incredibly hot. In this crazy combination of pleasuring ourselves and each other simultaneously, in the most awkward looking position ever (seriously a heap of extremities, genitals, and lube) we both had intense orgasms within seconds of each other. Steven came on my stomach, and here is the best part...

He gently licked up his cum and fed it to me with his mouth. HEAVEN. Seriously I find this so hot that words can't describe it. He tried this with me for the first time last week and my adrenaline was flowing to the point that I could have went for a run afterwards...and my ass DOES NOT RUN. Seriously, it turned me on something crazy. And there was such a sweetness to it. He was leery, and not too wild about it, but knew that it was something that I would enjoy. From his standpoint, he has a bit of a cum phobia, but he is working through it. In all honesty, his cum tastes amazing, and if it didn't I wouldn't want him doing this. However, I have tasted a guy or two and know that his is tasty, so it is great that he is trying this for me.

Anyway, after our contortionist masturbation/sex/teamwork event, it was some unreal hour in the morning, and we crashed. Waking up next to Steven and running my fingers up and down his bare back was exquisite. Laying in bed while he showered, ironed his work clothes, and got ready to leave was blissful. His sweet lips meeting mine as he kissed me goodbye was precious.

It is times like this that remind me why I am doing this. What I have gotten myself in to. What I have signed up for. We need each other. We are so good together. We complete each other. And when we are having stupid disputes over stupid things, I secretly like the fact that he has a backbone. That he stands up to me. Puts me in my place. Can hold his own. I have HATED being the dominant personality within my marriage. I have HATED knowing that I could push my husband around if I wanted to.

I am LOVING the fact that I have met my match...someone that can have a trashy parking lot fight with me, someone that can match my sexual appetite, someone that tell me to knock it off when I need to be told that.

And most of all, someone that loves me unconditionally. Someone that knows me in ways that other people don't.

Someone that I am crazy about.

FOGGY HAND PRINTS, WINDOWS, and LUBE..OH MY!

It is some crazy early time in the morning...maybe 4 am? We have stayed the night together at a hotel on the river. Our room is on a corner, with big windows looking out. We have enjoyed an evening of dinner and drinks, and sex of course. I was fighting a cold, and tossed and turned a bunch, paranoid that I would snore a bunch and keep Steve awake. We both woke up at some point...it was still dark out, and we had gotten a little bit of sleep. Without much conversation, we began again. Touching, kissing...

After a little bit, Steve told me to get up. I LOVE WHEN HE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO. I need to write more on this, because I like it so much. I really enjoy getting to stop being in charge for one part of my life, and to just hand over complete trust to him. So, I get out of bed. He directs me over to one of the large windows in our room. You can see the bridge, lights, the water, the darkness of the night. I stand next to one of the floor to ceiling windows, both of us naked.

Steven directs me, to put my hands up above me on the window, and he proceeds to enter me from behind. The cold glass fogged up around my warm hands, I could watch his body moving in and out of mine in the reflection of the glass. It felt so good, and so daring at the same time. The hotel we were in had a large event they were hosting that weekend, some sort of dog thing was going on. At one point we were both very aware that someone was walking their dog below us on the ground (we were on the 2nd floor), and could have looked up and watched the whole thing. For all I know, they did see us. We didn't care.

We continued this for awhile, while I enjoyed orgasm after orgasm...Steve's fingers moved around my body. On my hips, back, ass, around front to tweak my nipples, and then to stick his fingers in my mouth.

This whole thing was without conversation, other than when he told me to go to the window. When we moved back to the bed, we giggled at my hand prints that were left on the glass, and the fact that if the windows weren't cleaned, the hand prints would appear if the light was just right or if the room was foggy from the shower.

I grabbed some lube and began massaging Steve's hard cock. I slowly dripped some lube down on his balls, and played with those too. I was still naked, cuddled up next to his warm body, still feeling shaky from multiple orgasms, and in a bit of a fog. We had talked about ass play, prostate massage, and things of that nature at some point early in our relationship, and I knew that licking or touching Steve's ass turned him on. I slowly began doing this with my warm, slippery hand, using my other hand to stroke his cock. I was maintaining eye contact with him, reading his face, determining which direction to go by his reaction. He was so calm, so peaceful, yet so aroused looking.

I toyed with inserting a finger into him, and he nodded. Still stroking him, and fondling his balls, I moved my finger inside a little bit more. By his reaction, he was enjoying this. I continued my finger a bit more, and knew I had hit the spot. I gently moved the tip of my finger around inside him as his arousal and excitement grew. He grabbed his throbbing cock and began stroking it himself, while my finger action and ball rubbing continued.

With insane intensity, he came, shooting cum all over his chest in an incredible orgasm. He lay there breathing hard, almost stunned by it all. I gently removed my finger, and laid next to him, smirking. This was one of the hottest sexual experiences I have ever been a part of. There was such a mix of feelings that went with it. It was something new. It was a bit taboo. It was very, very intimate. It was sweet. Watching him experience such pleasure was moving to the point that I could have gotten teary eyed. It was overwhelming, tender, and amazing.

We laid there together, both in a post sex haze. After a bit, we got up and took a shower together, and then got back into bed without totally drying off. We curled up next to each other, kissing and murmuring about how amazing the whole thing was, and laughing at my hand prints. We dozed off in each others arms, both feeling complete and content beyond words.

If you look at the picture at the top of this blog, you will now understand the meaning behind it. Foggy hand prints on a window are AMAZING.