HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

I am laying in our cozy hotel bed, aware that Steven is in and out of sleep. I am too. His hand was resting between my legs, and I reached down and felt how wet I was, and couldn't stop touching.

I kept my eyes closed, and wasn't really sure when he was awake and when he was asleep. I started slowly, fingering myself, using different motions and speeds on my clit. I would occasionally let my fingers graze his hand which was still resting down there...wiping my juices on his fingers. It felt sooooo good, I just kept going and going, using my other hand to tweak my nipples...and keeping my eyes closed the whole time.

Something about this felt surreal...I loved knowing that he was there, maybe watching, maybe not. It was fantasy like.

He finally made his presence known by bringing his mouth to my nipples and I was tormenting myself by holding back from cumming. I threw the blankets back so he could get the full view of my dripping pussy and wet fingers working their magic. I got to that point where I shoved a couple of fingers inside of myself and thrust them in and out. Steven realized that I could benefit from his cock inside of me, and gladly let me have it. His throbbing cock filled me up, but I didn't want him moving. I wanted to keep this eyes-closed-I-am-masturbating-and-he-is-watching thing going.

I let my orgasm build and build and build, really not aware of what Steven was doing. Sometimes he was sitting there with his cock inside of me, sometimes he was watching and stroking himself.

When I couldn't take another second, I allowed myself to cum, and I exploded with such force that my pussy pushed his cock out as I let out a scream.

This was only one small part of a wonderful weekend together. My birthday was last week, and I can honestly say that Steven gave me the BEST BIRTHDAY I have EVER HAD. He took a vacation day, booked a nice room for two nights, and spoiled me with gifts, sex, great meals, and amazing quality time together. It was blissful!

Saturday night we had been drinking and then decided to scope out the Swinger's Club. And I can't stop thinking about it...we weren't there that long, but the highlight for me was LISTENING to this couple having great sex. It made me SO HOT! My pussy was literally DRIPPING and I had to have Steven right then and there, and you had better believe that I got competitive with my vocal skills. FUCK it was so hot hearing them...I told Steven that we need to work on some sort of same room thing with another couple...I don't want to do anything with other people but I want to HEAR them and SEE them and completely lose myself in observing other people having sex.

So...it was a great time. He is amazing. I have never had a guy that puts so much thought into everything...down to the details...like wrapping a gift in my favorite color for example. We seriously spent all day yesterday in our hotel room, except for going to eat around lunch time. It was glorious...being in a bed, watching tv, napping, having sex. JUST WHAT I NEEDED. It had been a rough week last week (hence the lack of postings on here)...I had minor surgery, limited Steven time, and just too much going on. To have that quiet, intimate day together after having a wild, crazy, sexy night out was amazing.

Best of all, for the first time in my life I feel like I am being my authentic self with someone. There are no secrets. Nothing to hide. I give him all of it, and he gives me it all back. And to have that feels amazing! To be able to say what I want and need and think about, and have no qualms in doing so is liberating.

And there is nothing like a sexually charged few days to make me want more...I can't stop thinking about that couple and hearing them. It was so hot to me to do that masturbation thing with Steven next to me. My mind is racing...ohhhh the possibilities...

Did I mention that this was the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER? It was.

PHASES

Affairs are interesting things.

I am feeling fairly reflective today, as next week marks EIGHT MONTHS that Steven and I have been together. EIGHT MONTHS. Wow.

I have been thinking about how we have had phases, and we seem to hit those phases at different times. There was the I HATE WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE phase...Steven went through it first, then I did. There was the I WANT EVERY SECOND OF YOUR TIME TO MYSELF phase...again, we hit this at different times. There is the WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR SPOUSE phase. And of course the I NEED YOU, YES, I AM SUPER NEEDY AND YOU NEED TO MEET THOSE NEEDS phase, and while we have both weaved in and out of this...it is still there, and still has the right to resurface now and then. The trick is to realize that this phase is occurring, and act accordingly (this goes for the needy one, and the one that needs to deal with the needy one).

After a summer of pushing way too hard to see how much we could possibly see each other every hour/day/week/month, regardless of the price paid at home or work, we have mellowed out. Kids are settled back in school, we are buckled down at our jobs. While this summer was priceless, we both pushed our limits a bit too much. I have no regrets though...there will never be another summer like this in our relationship. I have a head full of memories...some beautiful, some funny, some painful, some intense, and that is something that I will forever cherish. And here we are, trotting along towards a wonderful time of year, yet knowing it is uncharted territory.

It is almost too much for me to think about this being the last holiday season with my current family situation (read: marriage). There are such mixed emotions that come with that. It is almost easier for me to NOT think like that, but I can't help it. It is my reality, and while it is what it is, it is still overwhelming. Having thoughts of WHAT WILL BE keeps me focused on the positive, and reminds me of what I am working towards.

I am so reflective on my life a year ago. To think that I was lowering myself to the likes of Adrien makes me want to vomit. I was such a sad person then. So lonely. So lost. So hungry for SOMETHING...ANYTHING. Honestly not caring if I was being used, because being used feels so much better than just existing.

I am also overwhelmed with the WHY of this relationship. WHY did this happen? What made me RANDOMLY post something on Craigslist that bleak February day? Why did Steven answer it? Why did this happen? To me? To him? To us? Was this who I was meant to be with? Does it work like that? WHY WHY WHY, if that is the case, why NOW? Why when we are so intertwined with our spouses and kids? Why, when this is HARD? Wouldn't have this been easier a few years ago? A decade ago? Why does it feel so good when I am in his arms? Why why why?

And was I really LOOKING for this? I don't think so. I honestly think that I would have been content with a good fuck friend. Really. I can tolerate my husband. Hell, I even like being around him most of the time. And now that I have had SO MUCH MORE...I realize that he would NEVER have been enough. Ever. So maybe I was looking for this, subconsciously? Maybe when I posted that on Craigslist, deep down I knew that I needed so much more.

All reflections aside, there is one thing that keeps lingering in my mind. Like a pulse that I can't stop.

YOU ARE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

Ten years ago I had a fortune cookie that said that. And I liked it. I kept it taped to my bathroom mirror for a few years, until it became ragged and I threw it away. That phrase has stuck with me though, because sometimes you just KNOW when you are headed in the right direction.

And I know that with utmost certainty. Right now.

I. Am. Headed. In. The. Right. Direction.

The messiness of having an affair is a non-issue. We are so much more than that. We have goals, specific, measurable, goals. We respect each other's goals. We have a common goal, and our own personal goals that need to happen to reach that common goal.

I have lost my fight. When you know something is so real, so there, and so tangible, you just let go and let it be. I have no jealousy regarding his wife. I don't think that he has any regarding my husband. These were such REAL issues to us previously, and now they aren't. It is liberating. I dreamt about his wife the other night, and it weirded me out. Yet, it also had great significance to me. The dream was civil, albeit weird. And it left me feeling peaceful, and if anything, a little sad. Sad for her, sad for my husband. They are the ones that will have lost. And we will have gained. Yet, my hope for both of them is that when this is said and done, that this can be a positive for them too. They are both ideal partners for lots of people in this world, and happiness is out there for them too.

So...while I can't promise to never say anything negative about our current spouses again, I have lost my fight. I don't care. I know where I rank. Steven knows where he ranks with me. And being insecure is okay, but letting it interfere with all that is wonderful about US is not.

Last night as I laid in Steven's arms, our bodies in a tangle of limbs, his hands cupped my face. We breathed each other in, sweet kisses were exchanged. And he says to me "This is it. This is what intimacy is." Just us, being us. Nothing fake. Nothing surface. Being vulnerable. Being real. Being silly...laughing, joking, kissing, teasing.

FINALLY. I finally can take a deep breath, and appreciate this relationship for the phase that it is currently in. A phase I am calling YOU ARE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

20 THINGS ABOUT STEVEN THAT MAKE ME SMILE

What a weekend! I am still recovering! We met up Saturday night and had dinner, drinks, and then stopped off at the Swinger's Club.

We wandered (as usual), observed a freaky girl masturbating in front of people, watched a bit of porn, and then went and watched a couple have sex. It was a turn on, except the guy couldn't keep it up, so it didn't last too long. SO...we went into a room to have our own fun, and left the door open for a few observers...it was a fast but intense show...blow job, sex from behind, I had a nice orgasm, and then turned around to catch Steve's load in my mouth. I believe there was a slight applause!

After that we met up with two friends of mine (FROM CHURCH!!) and had more drinks, and danced. Well, I wasn't in much of a dancing mood, but Steve and the friends were, so that was cool. AND THEY LOVED HIM! Within minutes they were whispering about how cute he was and how perfect we were together, and I was like....I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!!! Yes, these girls are aware of my situation (our situation) but both agree that I need to be happy, both know that my husband has agreed to turn a blind eye to anything, and they both can see that Steven and I are a great fit for each other.

Well...it was all fine and dandy until I got sick. Yep...one shot too many. I will spare you the details, but let's just say that you know a guy is a keeper when he deals with your puking ass, and stays sweet and loving the whole time. Seriously, Steven took such good care of me...and while I am mortified that I let it happen, it is nice to know that we can be that way with each other.

So...it took me all day Sunday to recover, but it was worth it overall. We had a great time. I am in such a good place right now. Steven and I had lunch together in the park today, it was just so nice to have that quiet, mellow TOGETHER time.

I have been really reflective lately. I don't think that I was in a good place most of the summer. I feel like I was going through the motions. Being a mom, working, keeping things up around the house. Volunteering time, trips, weddings, etc. Underneath this though I was in a hard place. I wouldn't say a dark place, but a hard place. A place where I couldn't see the end of anything. Where everything seemed untouchable. Things were dangling in front of me, but I couldn't reach out far enough to grab them.

I am BACK. And that is a great feeling. To have the kids back in school, to have a routine again, to feel like I can DO THIS. I can get through what I need to get through in the next day. Week. Month. Year. I am strong. I am loved. I can conquer anything! I have goals. Little goals and huge goals.

So...here is a little list of things about Steven that make me smile...I am just so damned happy right now that it is almost obnoxious!

1. His sense of humor.
2. The way he kisses me.
3. The low growl noise he makes when he is sexually devouring me.
4. The way his arms feel around me.
5. Our inside jokes. There are lots of them.
6. The fact that he likes that indent that is between the nose and upper lip on me.
7. When he breathes me in.
8. When he tacks his last name/initial on to my name.
9. The fact that he has a voyeuristic / exhibitionist side.
10. My friends adore him.
11. His lips. Ohhhh they make me HOT.
12. Lunch at the park with him. Love this!
13. The silly things we do that are just US.
14. The feel of our skin touching.
15. The fact that he always drives and always opens doors. I like how he looks driving my car.
16. How he is EXACTLY what I need.
17. The fact that we have so much in common.
18. The fact that we are rubbing off on each other, and acquiring each other's likes.
19. How passionate he is.
20. We are perfect for each other.

I hope you all had a great weekend!

THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS. WE ARE CRAZZZZZZZY.

Evidence of another wonderful night together...yes, we begged, borrowed, and stole to get a sleepover last night. And when I left the hotel room this morning, Steven sent me this picture on his cell phone.

This is sooooo us. I mean, really...the MOTEL 6 logo on the phone just really seals the deal on the white trash factor...combined with the energy drink, cigarette, lighter, vibrator, lube, RUSH, gum, and......drum roll.......STEVE'S WEDDING RING. Yes, that is right, because REMOVING THE RING BEFORE FUCKING MAKES IT...never mind. It just makes it not fall off when lube is involved. You thought I had some backasswards justification happening, didn't you?

Yeah...I am not THAT nuts. Yet.

Let's just tell it like it is.

We are a bit nuts. Not psycho, dangerous around kids, watch out or I will steal your cat, I talk to myself all the time, look at me wrong and I will bite you nuts.

Nope, not that kind of nuts.

Nuts as in WE ARE REALLY GOOD, UPSTANDING CITIZENS THAT HAVE JOBS, AND LOTS OF KIDS, AND MORTGAGES, AND SPOUSES, AND CHURCHES, AND FRIENDS, AND HOBBIES, AND WE CAN HOLD AN INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION, FIGHT A WICKED FIGHT, AND DAMN IT WE ARE CUTE....BUT....we have this inner freak, party it up, run around and be silly, let's pretend we don't have responsibilities, yes that is us with the loud rap music dancing in the minivan....nuts.

THAT kind of nuts.

I asked Steve this morning if I was his mid life crisis. He refused to answer because he said it is a really dumb question.

In a sense though, we ARE each other's crisis. Really.

Our love is not a crisis. Our sex is not a crisis. Having fun together is not a crisis. What is a crisis is that we have been FUCKING STUCK. FUCKING TRAPPED. FUCKING UNFULFILLED. And THAT my friends, is a CRISIS.

And until the day comes that we can be free to be US...we live amongst crisis. We cram a full blown relationship, complete with head over heels love, into a fraction of what legit couples have. We have sex with fervor, knowing that any sex we get at home is merely like a JELLO PUDDING CUP when we know that the MUD PIE FROM RED ROBIN is out there counting the seconds until we meet again. We fight like our lives depend on it, because sometimes I think they do. Why not freak out on the one that GETS IT THE MOST? The one that UNDERSTANDS? The one that has filled this huge void, yet when you are apart the void is bigger than any void that was there before?

People take SO MUCH for granted. I admit, I have been this way before too. Yet, when I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache from too many margaritas, I was APPRECIATIVE.

I was APPRECIATIVE of Steven's skin touching mine. I was APPRECIATIVE of the hangover, because it meant that we had a wonderful, wild, crazy night together. I was APPRECIATIVE of the bed, the sheets, the roof, the warmth, the room...because that is so much more than many, many people have. I was APPRECIATIVE of exhaustion...because what caused that was having sex for 2 hours in the middle of the night. I was APPRECIATIVE of Steven...thankful that he found me, thankful that we have each other, thankful that he is my future.

It is way too easy to take it for granted. Eleven years ago, I was a year into marriage with a new baby, working on buying a home, a decent job, and looking forward to a future of all that is bright and shiny. I was 19 going on 40. And I APPRECIATED none of it (except the baby). And after watching my marriage unravel, my sex life with my husband become bleak, and the realization that I went from a senior in high school to a van driving mommy overnight, I feel cheated. By my own doing.

SO...I am acting out a bit. Just a skosh. Steven is too. We pretend we aren't.

But really, we are.

And guess what? I am OKAY with being a bit nuts. And if this is more than a phase, I am okay with that too. If we become senior citizens that are having a few too many drinks on a Saturday night, stopping in at a Swinger's Club, and then having sex all night, WHO CARES? The reality is that we are both having needs met that have been neglected for years. Everything that we do is special, meaningful, precious. Everything we do is feeding us in some way, shape, or form.

We have so much fun together...I love being in public with him...I love seeing him get checked out by other women AND HE IS MINE and that feels amazing. I love how he makes me laugh. I love how comfortable we are together. I love that we are so intertwined with each other's lives that we often have to stop ourselves from talking about each other to our friends and families.

And I love how adventurous we are. I feel so free when we are together. I try new things. Last night I HAD MY FIRST FULL BLOWN FISTING EXPERIENCE. If you are into this, leave a comment...I want to know what other people think. I liked it. I wasn't sure if I wanted his hand moved a lot once it was in, but I certainly liked the feeling of fullness. There is certainly a level of trust and patience required, and it has a feeling of intimacy that is really hard to explain.

My only regret is that I wasn't completely sober. Next time I will be.

I have spent some time this morning reading about fisting, and what I have found is quite interesting. There is quite a bit of writing out there on the spiritual aspect of fisting. The first article I read talked about what the fist can be symbolic of from a biblical sense, complete with scripture to back it up. I was questioning this a bit, but kept researching (nerd that I am). What I found is that there are books on this, many articles, and dozens of personal testimonies from people seriously moved by the highly sensual yet spiritual experiences that they have had with fisting.

So...our two hour sexathon was amazing. All of it was great. I needed that. I haven't been with someone, ever, that I could just PLAY with for hours on end. Steve stays hard. Can cum when he wants and it isn't over if he doesn't want it to be. He is patient, and eager to please. He is excited to do it all, and loves making me happy. Steven absorbs all aspects of sex...he pays close attention, and humors me by recapping it to me when I ask afterwards.

I want to read more on fisting and do this again, ASAP.

Our finale was him cumming in my ass (he teases me because when we first met I said this was one thing I wasn't really crazy about...funny how things change...I have let him do it twice now...) while he was on top of me. This was the ultimate in intimate endings, a perfect way to end an intimate time in bed. Looking at his beautiful face, his eyes fierce with love for me, and feeling my body completely relaxed and surrendered to him...truly amazing.

Mid life crisis? Nah

Nuts? Okay, in some ways.

Building a future amongst an underground life speckled with incredible sex, crazy ass moments of juvenile behavior, good food and better drinks, Camel Lights, hotel rooms, lube, unknowing spouses, lots of kids, and above it all an incredible amount of love for each other? YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE DOING.

FALLING...APART

My apologies in advance to those of you that were anticipating a steamy, sex filled, post vacation blog entry.

I don't have one.

I am not as tough as I would like to think.

And right now, I am not keeping it together.

This vacation was hard. Very hard. I looked at every moment and thought of it as a "last". I thought about my kids enjoying this same vacation next year, with their father and grandparents, but not me.

I enjoyed the time with my kids. Even enjoyed most of the time with my husband and in laws.

And I missed Steven like crazy. I ached for him. Wanted to feel him. Kiss him. Hold him. Be there WITH him. I wanted to walk on the beach holding his hand. I wanted to listen to the ocean while lying in bed with him.

Soon I told myself. Soon. Our time together for real is coming SOON.

And then the past day has been one big cluster fuck. I am sitting here, stunned. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My heart hurts.

We are both just so fucking needy. What started as me needing reassurance and comfort turned into 24+ hours of bickering. Hurting each other.

Now, realize that there are two sides to every story, and this is MY side. Steven is more than welcome to post on here too.

However, I am hurt beyond what I am able to articulate. I JUST NEEDED HIM TO SAY "IT'S OKAY SWEETIE. WE CAN DO THIS. ONE MORE DAY. NO NEED TO FEEL INSECURE, NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP."

I needed him to understand that I wasn't trying to shut him out, but that I was trying to avoid conflict.

I needed him to understand. Yes...it is hard to be the one left at home when the other is on vacation. However, having done both sides of this now, it is harder to be away in my opinion. It was hard to have down time that I am not used to, but to have it surrounded by family.

Long story short, shit hit the fan last night. I am not getting into details, but the bottom line is that I CAN'T DO THIS. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am teetering a fine line with my sanity.

I love Steven. He has stolen my heart in a way that no one has ever done. He has taught me so much. I am nuts about him. Sexually I felt that I had met my match. He knows more about me than anyone ever has. I trust him with anything and everything.

I want this so bad. I want him so bad.

I want us so bad.

I can't do this right now though. It pains me to say that.

So I am trying to figure this out. How CAN this work? Can I change something so I feel more balanced? Can I become thicker skinned so that I am better fit for this lifestyle? How can I remember everything? Not cry about it all? Not want so much? Not be so insecure? Or jealous? Or needy? He tells me plans and the next day I don't know what he said. I am the most organized person, and I can't keep this together. I frustrate him. I piss him off. I see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice.

I am falling apart.

I know what I need and want, and I can't figure out how to have it.

I am so sad. So so sad. I want to close my eyes and wake up to this being a dream. I want to wave a wand and have it be better. I want the hurt that is burning deep within me to stop.

I am falling apart.

NAKED THERAPY

The other night we got a hotel room and spent the evening essentially naked, watching TV, eating pizza, and doing what we do best...loving on each other.

We had our normal fun...played around with some new toys that I had picked up...got all slimy with some new lube.

I commented to Steven at one point that I love something about us. That something is that we can bring things like vibrators to bed, we can do things like pleasure ourselves in front of each other, and neither one of us ever feel threatened. We want the other person to feel good, and if their hand or something that requires batteries is what they need at that moment, then we are all for it.

Early in the evening Steven had joked that we should try to have lame sex just to see if it was possible. Could we have sex that wasn't AMAZING?

I am not sure how we started doing this, but we essentially reenacted what sex with our spouses is like.

I went first, and directed Steven. I told him what my husband does. What he doesn't do. And he did it. At first I was giggly and thought it was weird, but I could see that he was intently trying to understand the experiences that have been a norm in my house for years, so I mellowed out and took my director's job seriously.

Then it was time to switch. This was HARD. He told me what his wife would be doing, saying, and how she would be doing or saying it. I had no issues telling him how my husband would be, and no issues with him reenacting it. I am used to it.

It about killed me to be doing what she would do. To tell him no. To not really kiss back. To not want more. To not want. He was a way better director than I had been, down to the detail, and very serious.

It hurt my heart. It hurt me to see what he has had for years and years. Here is this wonderful man that is the complete package. An amazing, generous, sexy, exciting lover. A hard working, motivated, successful man. A good father. Someone with a broad range of interests, skills, talents. Someone that is so damned adorable and good looking. Someone that is funny, compassionate, adventurous, and kind. Someone that has done some amazing things in his life, dealt with some really hard things, and all of those experiences have made him into someone that you want to get to know...he reaches out and connects with people in a way that I admire so much.

When we were done with our acting, we settled into Steve and Missy lovemaking. And I am on top of him, fighting back an orgasm (I love holding out as long as I can), and I look into his eyes. Look at his sweet face. And I start to cry. Part of it is sadness for the pain that we have both experienced within our marriages, and part of it is from happiness that we have found each other.

It crossed both of our minds that we were nuts for doing this, but agreed that it was beneficial. We both got a really good idea of what the other has dealt with. It was therapeutic. Eye opening. And another level in which we have opened ourselves up to the other person.

When I asked Steven about it the next day, and whether or not he had any feelings on this experience last night, he replied that he felt it was good. He also said that these situations led us to each other, and that the glass is half full. We need to focus on the positive that has come from these crappy marriages. The biggest positives being our kids, and leading us to each other.

I admire his upbeat, positive attitude more than I let on.

Here is the lesson to this story...

If you are in a relationship, and YOU are the cause of less than ideal sex, STEP IT UP or STEP ASIDE.

You NEVER KNOW when your lame sexual behavior will be reenacted by your significant other, with someone else as a willing co-star.

KISS IT AND MAKE IT BETTER

As always, we are behaving as our normal, volatile selves, and paying the price for it.

I used to be okay with the thought of Steven sleeping with his wife. It happens so infrequently. I am confident in myself, and in our relationship. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel like it is a competition. There is one thing, one BIG THING though that she has, and I don't.

She is MARRIED to him.

We have had our share of disputes regarding ME having sex with my husband. I understand each and every one of the issues. My husband has gotten sex with me when he pleases, regardless of what is going on, how I feel, etc. It is rarely good sex. It rarely lasts more than 10 minutes. It is a struggle for him to maintain an erection sometimes, and other times he is battling premature ejaculation. I know that Steven thinks that I am too accommodating. He thinks that my husband doesn't appreciate what he has. There are many more issues, and all of them make sense.

I have had a nonchalant attitude about Steven's sex life with is wife. I haven't cared too much. There are days that I don't want to hear about it, but overall I haven't cared.

This past week has been a week for laying ground work. I have had conversations with my mother, sister, and a friend regarding my marriage. I have insinuated to them that things aren't okay. That I am not happy. Most importantly, I have had a good conversation with my husband. A conversation that was along the lines of the fact that we are both unhappy, that we both deserve to be happy, and that we need to work together to be the best parents possible to our children while sorting things out and moving our own directions. And later that night when I saw him looking through picture albums, it was like a knife to my heart. Strangely, he looked peaceful. Accepting. Okay. However, he knows. I know. We have both known. We don't have a "marriage". We have a good partnership. A good arrangement. And we both should have so much more.

And I was feeling AMAZING. As if I could see this happening. As if I was finally headed in the right direction. And Steven and I were on the same page. We have set some obtainable, realistic goals. We aren't jumping into anything, we aren't being stupid. We aren't setting ourselves up for failure. Instead we are setting ourselves up for happiness, and success. We are realizing that we aren't getting any younger, and that each day is a gift and that we need put ourselves first for once.

So after days of hard conversations, after a week of accomplishments, I was feeling pretty damn good.

And Friday morning I get a text message from Steven while driving my kids to the dentist. It told me that he had sex with his wife last night.

I damn near lost it. Here I am, driving kids, on the freeway, going 80 MPH, and I start crying. I want to throw my phone in the river. I want to scream.

Here I am, working towards moving FORWARD, and he is FUCKING HER?

And it isn't that he had sex with her, it was that he had told me something, and did something completely different. And while I won't get into the details, I was not okay. I have said over and over to Steven that I AM DOING THIS RIGHT THIS TIME. No lies. No deception.

What evolved from this bloody text message was a day and a half of misery. Tears. Conversations. Heated text messaging wars. Silent treatments. Mean words flung around. I was done. I really was. I decided that I couldn't do this. That I couldn't handle the stress. The pain. That I would rather lose him than share him. That the thought of him with HER made me violently nauseous. I could NOT DO THIS.

So I told him so. It was D.O.N.E. done. If we both became untangled from our existing situations, great. I could do this. However, I had hit a wall. I couldn't share him. I couldn't do this. I love him too much, want him too bad, am too selfish.

I knew that I hurt him. I didn't care. He had hurt me. He had said one thing to me, and did something completely different. I can't stop him from having sex to the one that he is legally bound to. The one that he shares a bed with. HOWEVER, don't DO THIS TO ME! Don't TEXT ME about having sex with her when you KNOW that I have been working towards US and OUR FUTURE all week.

I agreed to meet him last night. And I had no intention of anything other than getting a drink and dinner, and talking. Figuring out how to move forward from this. Closure. I was seriously walking away. I didn't even shave *down there* all that perfect because I WAS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH HIM.

We were immediately fighting. We met at a grocery store parking lot, where we were just attacking each other for lame things. It was so so stupid. We were both emotionally raw, on the verge of tears, and we got in my van and Steve drove to "our lake", which, by the way was DRIED UP due to how hot and dry it has been.

We were sitting next to each other, it was hot, dry, dusty, there were people around, planes overhead, a train in the distance. Steve leans over and kisses me. And kisses me. And kisses me. And I kissed back. My hand on the back of his neck felt his warm skin, and it was if I was floating. IT WAS OK. I WAS GOING TO BE OK. WE WERE GOING TO BE OKAY. His hand wandered up my skirt...just enough for me to know that he needed to feel me. That I needed to feel him.

I knew in that moment that I needed to suck it up. Deal. I needed to hold his hand and support him through what he chooses to do. And I need the same from him. He knows the real Missy. He knows all that there is to know about me. He loves me completely. Unconditionally. We need each other. We deserve each other...good and bad. When I am a brat, he is a brat back and we deserve to be with people that can dish out exactly what the are given. We need to be with people that meet us in the middle. We need to be with people that will ALWAYS say yes to sex, will always kiss back, will always hunger for the other no matter how bad it gets.

We had a wonderful evening sprinkled with sex, drinks, food, and adventures. Add a dash of residual anger and frustration and you have a really white trash parking lot scene in front of the Swinger's Club. The details of the sex, and maybe the white trash parking lot scene will follow in another post.

The bottom line is this. I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE FOUND SOMEONE LIKE STEVEN. He doesn't give up. He is more stubborn than I am, and I didn't know that was possible. He puts me in my place. He can kiss it and make it all better.

I will never like the idea of him having sex with HER, as he will never like the idea of me having sex with HIM. My mantra is THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY because it is just that. TEMPORARY.

When the time is right, we will be untangled. We will be together. There is NO DOUBT in our minds that this is true.

Sex with spouses is going to happen. It hurts. It is hard. Conflicting. Confusing. So, I am going to choose to look at the big picture. I have nothing to be jealous of. NOTHING. I know where we stand, where we are headed.

And where we are headed is to a place where it ALWAYS feels as good as that kiss did last night. A place where things are sunny, and pretty, and sparkly, and warm, and fuzzy.

Like home.

A YEAR OF CHANGE

December 31, 2008...

My husband and I rang in the new year with friends in our small town...we had been invited to a party with them in their neighborhood. The hosts were people we barely knew, but we knew people attending so agreed to go. The kids were all left with a babysitter a few houses down. Why am I recapping New Years? Because I KNEW. I KNEW THAT 2009 WOULD BE A YEAR OF CHANGES. Everyone thinks that, right? Thinks that this will be the year that they lose weight, save more money, etc. I had nothing specific in mind. Yet, I knew.

And as the night went on, as I played board games with a group of people while watching my intoxicated husband make an ass of himself, I KNEW. I was sitting at one end of the table playing Apples To Apples, when I looked up and saw my husband touching this complete stranger (and a prominent community member) more than he had touched me in weeks. And I looked up, with tears in my eyes, and my eyes met the eyes of a man at the other end of the table. I quickly glanced down, embarrassed. While there was NOTHING about his look that was anything but caring, it was the caring aspect that stuck with me. I WANTED TO BE LOOKED AT LIKE THAT...like I was cared about. When this man's teenage son died tragically in a car accident a few months later, my heart ached. You know that the young man was looked at with those same kind eyes his entire (short) life.

The other day I was with Steven, and freakishly my jaw went out of whack and FUCKING HURT. I am one to tear up at Hallmark commercials, or cry when sad/tired/frustrated/sick/hungry/pissed off and much more. However, when something hurts, it is a serious waterworks event. I was sitting there, tears streaming down my face, trying to blubber to Steven what hurt so bad, when I glanced up. With blurry eyes, I looked into his eyes. HIS KIND EYES. As he wiped tears from my face, kindly trying to salvage my eye makeup, he looked at me with such love. Such kindness. JUST WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED AND NEEDED.

This year has been a blur in a sense, and it is only July. I am thankful for the documentation I have in this blog, because there is so much that I want to remember forever. To think that 6 months ago, Steve was not a part of my life, is SHOCKING. I can't wrap my mind around it.

Several readers have asked about the state of my marriage, his marriage, and our relationship. Things are changing. Things are shifting. We are both trying to get our ducks in a row. I am pursuing (cross your fingers!) a career change that would be stressful and challenging if it pans out. However, it would put me in a place that would be independent of my husband in a work sense, as well as able to take care of myself and kids should the need arise.

Steven is facing challenges himself. His obstacles are different, some harder than mine, some easier. I came to the realization long ago that my marriage was not a marriage. He has only recently realized that, and I know all too well the pain that comes with that discovery. We have children...both of us...a lot if you add ours together...plus financial obligations, the prospect of a job change in my future, the worry of family and friends and their judgements, our churches, and the fact that we are both married to selfish people. People that exist. People that think about the here and now, and their immediate needs. Steven and I aren't like that. We are both big picture, live life to the fullest, giving, daring, passionate, feisty, sexually needy people. Hot headed brats at times.

I have NO IDEA what will be going on in my life by the end of this year. I am sure these next several months will bring changes, some good, some hard. To answer the questions about US and where WE are headed, here is what I think.

I think that our existing marriages are in their final acts. I think that if Steven and I can make it through the changes we are facing, that we could make it through anything together. I think that if we were to end our relationship with each other for whatever reason, that I would be devastated, yet a better person than I was before him. In a short time he has taught me so much...more than all of my past relationships combined. He has shown me what real love feels like, and the feeling that I have when I am with him is so amazing I can't even begin to describe it. For example, a few days ago we saw each other in an environment where we needed to be very "acquaintance only" towards each other. And at some point he leans over and quietly says to me that he feels calmer and more relaxed being in my presence. That sums it up...there is an easiness that comes when we are together. It isn't uncommon for one of us to mutter something along the lines of "this feels like home" when we are having sex.

I think that BIG ASS challenges are looming over us, and our families. I think that daily Steve and I are tweaking our relationship to find that perfect balance of what we both need and want. We are listening to each other, figuring out how to best support each other and communicate with each other.

Very early on in our relationship I made a comment to Steven about how in 5 years we would look back on the beginnings of our relationship and laugh at how we met...and he made a comment about how he wanted to be at my children's high school graduations. I think that we both made these comments KNOWING, but not really grasping, or understanding the magnitude of what we were in the early stages of. It is becoming clearer and clearer to me now.

As we approach 6 months of being together, I can't help but wonder what the next 6 months will bring. I am struggling daily to just BE, to just ACCEPT that things happen when they are supposed to and that things happen for a reason. Being a planner and organizer, this is hard. I want to know what my life will look like on New Years Eve of this year. I want to know what my life looks like next February. I want to KNOW.

Instead, I treasure what I do know for certain, and that is this:

- I know that I will always be a good mom, and do the best I can to raise great kids.
- I know that Steven and I need to be together, and will do whatever we can to do so.
- I know that being loved completely and honestly is the best feeling in the world.
- I know that HE is the ONE.

And with that knowledge, I move forward. I support him in moving forward. And I focus on how great we are together. And I look forward to a time where we will look back and say:

IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT.

HAPPY 4th OF JULY - SEX, SPARKS, AND MAKING OUR OWN FIREWORKS

We needed each other. More than normal. Steven was on vacation last week, and our time together was much more limited than we are used to.

We got together Tuesday night. I had booked a hotel room, and we decided to order room service and just enjoy our time together. I can not tell you how bad we needed this! We alternated between devouring each other's bodies, eating really great food, watching a bit of TV, and just laying in each other's arms.

The sex was fantastic...it ALWAYS IS, but sometimes it just is particularly mind blowing. We were playing around with new angles, there were a few times when I just felt so good I couldn't even think straight. And Steven was doing something amazing at one point, and it felt SO CRAZY GOOD that I was bordering delusional. He had multiple fingers in me, as many as he could, he might have had one playing with my ass, and one on my clit. It was the most out of control sex feeling that I have ever had. I couldn't do anything but succumb to his fingers and just allow myself to enjoy the intense fire like pleasure that was rushing though my veins. I am totally intrigued by the idea of fisting, and I never have been before. Something about pushing myself to have more in me than I would think is possible is interesting. And I like the feeling of being filled up, hence my preference of having an orgasm with a dick in me. Clitoral orgasms are all fine and dandy, but not ever as good as feeling Steven's hard cock in me while my body spasms around him. Anyway, the sheer pleasure of whatever he was doing with his fingers made me think about this, and may be worth exploring...I haven't talked to Steven about this entirely, so I guess when he reads this I will! The HNT picture (http://wheredoyouwanttoputthat.blogspot.com/2009/07/hnt-foggy-mirror-fun.html) this week is from that evening, I was naked with my hands against the mirror when Steven shot the picture...we had just gotten out of the shower...mmmm...I love showers with him...

Wednesday night we met up for food and drinks, and then went to our beach...MISSY BEACH. There were more people there than previous visits that we have had, but we wandered further down and found some fantastic secluded areas. We missed the sunset, but we will need to go back and watch it from there...with the camera so we can put some pics on here! It was tons of fun just being together, enjoying our beach, the warm weather, and exploring new possibilities of places we want to hang out at together.

I had figured that I wouldn't see Steven again after that for several days...with the 4th of July holiday and all. However, sweet thing that he is, he was able to get away last night and spend some time with me! We started off by going to some restaurant, where I behaved like a total brat and he decided that we should leave. I wasn't trying to be a pain in the ass...probably the fact that I was hungry and the fact that I was just in a needy mood contributed to my attitude. My beef was that we were seated within inches of two other couples. And if we were a "real" couple and had nothing to hide, great, no problem. However, I just really felt like I wasn't going to be able to really talk to him there, and that I was going to feel like I had to have my guard up the entire time. So, we left. Steven was very sweet and understanding, and we went somewhere that we had been to before, somewhere that was less populated and more relaxing to me. We ate dinner, had a few drinks, and just enjoyed being together. We always have such a good time, it is amazing to me how much we just enjoy BEING TOGETHER.

We had been unsure of what to do with the rest of our evening, we both had agreed that having sex would be nice, so we decided to go to the swinger's club that we had joined a few weeks ago.

We arrived, and it was pretty mellow...some girl was dancing with the stripper pole, but not a whole lot of sex action going on. Just mostly everyone hanging out, being mellow. We wandered around a bit, sat and kissed and talked, and then went off to a private room. Being the tease that he is, Steven got me good and worked up, got me off a few times, and then put his clothes back on and promised me that we would finish later. Hell...he had already made me feel great so no worries from me!

We wandered a bit more, there was this couple there and I swear to you that the guy looked young enough to be my son. It was almost disturbing. Steven said it didn't sound like his voice had changed. He was 20, and was there with a 30 year old woman. They were going at it in the shower...poor guy though, he has to be questioned on his age all of the time!

We made our way back to a private room, and proceeded to have amazing hot sweaty sex. I had a skirt on and Steven was entering me from behind and grabbed the skirt and was able to pull me back into a great position. When we switched and I got on top of him, I was riding his dick and he was moving just enough that we had an incredible rhythm going that was almost too good to be true! I licked my fingers, played with my nipples, and gave in to another wonderful orgasm. After we had been going at it awhile, Steven got on top of me and asked if I wanted to swallow. Um..hello? PLEASE!!

He jumped off me just in time for me to take his hot load in my mouth, but this was ONE BIG LOAD. He just kept cumming and cumming and I needed to swallow but knew I would need to move my mouth away for a second. With an audible gulp I let it slide down my throat, yet ended up taking a shot on the side of my face and near my mouth. I caught the rest, and looked up at my sexy man. I could look at him 24/7 and never, ever get tired of it. His features are so perfect, his mouth so delicious, his smile melts my heart. Seriously, the best looking guy EVER. How did I get so lucky?

We cleaned up, got dressed, and left. I simply can not get enough of Steven! I am feeling like I am at a better place right now than I was a few weeks ago. I have had plenty of external stress that has been hard, and I can't begin to describe what a blessing Steven is to me. He knows just what I need to hear, and when. Sometimes I just need him to talk me through something in this mesmerizing, quiet voice that he gets, and all of a sudden everything seems okay. I have such a sense of calm right now with our relationship...I am accepting that what we have is okay for right now. I am at peace because I know that while we have our stupid disagreements here and there, we are solid. We are both strong willed people, and there are obvious sparks between us. Most of the time they are great sparks, sometimes they aren't. I would so rather have the sparks than the smoldering ashes that my marriage has become. And he challenges me. Stands on his own. Pushes me. I need this. I need a strong person. I have stopped feeling panicky about our future, because there is no doubt in my mind that we have a future. And that is all I need to know. I don't need to know what it looks like, when it is, how we will get there. I just need to know that it will happen. And I do.

Lastly, I know without a doubt that Steven will stand by me through anything. He already has. In the short time that we have been together, I have personally had some pretty substantial things happen. One was finding out that I had a cantaloupe sized ovarian cyst only a month into our relationship. He wasn't phased, he simply said something along the lines of "surgery happens" and was there for me through the entire thing. He snuck in to the hospital to see me the night after my surgery, left me sweet messages and emails, snuck over to see me at home when I was released from the hospital. YES...we didn't adhere to the no sex for 6 weeks thing, but we were careful...and it wasn't an issue. I have had some other personal challenges lately, and with his sweet calming voice he has helped me to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

I honestly can not see myself with out Steven. He is EXACTLY what I needed and wanted.

Happy 4th of July to all of you...I know that I am so thankful for the one that I make fireworks with as much as possible!

I AM SO BRAVE

Masturbation is a beautiful thing!

It's Father's Day, and my husband and the kids just went to an antique car show, which left me ALONE.

And last night, Steven and I had a great time...so great that recapping in my head just now lead my fingers down my jeans, under my thong, where they rubbed and teased until I was breathless and quivering on the couch.

SO...fingers licked clean of my own juices, it's time to type about what was so hot in the first place, don't you think?

We met for dinner and a drink, and of course good conversation. Typical Steven and Missy. After that, we went to this FANTASTIC place that we stumbled upon last week...that is worthy of a separate post. It is this little beach area, that is private, and way amazing. We parked and walked down to it, and sat on a log kissing, watching the water, boats, bridges, etc. Steven unzipped his pants and let me enjoy his cock for awhile...something about the sound of the water, the breeze, and his hard warm tastiness was getting me seriously aroused. I wanted Steven, and he knew it, but that wasn't the place.

We left, unsure of what to do next. We had a couple of hours...and we were aimlessly driving around. We thought about doing something that we had done before...going to a hot tub place, a porn theater, a porn store, etc. Neither one of us were being decisive, and time was wasting.

Steven pulled into the parking lot of a swinger's club and suggested that we check it out. I PANICKED. We had talked about places like this before. Neither one of us have much interest in swapping, we have talked about threesomes here and there. I think the bottom line is that neither one of us has ruled anything out completely. I have done stuff with Steven that I would have NEVER thought I would do...and not only that, I ENJOYED IT. We are both highly adventurous, highly sexual, and the two combined can get interesting.

Steven parked the car and suggested that we go in and look around. He said that we could leave if we didn't like it, but that it might be fun to watch other people and then go into a room by ourselves. I WAS FUCKING SHAKING AT THIS POINT. I started giving him a million reasons why it was a bad idea...I had sand in my shoes from the beach. I was dressed super casual. I wasn't prepared. I hadn't thought about it long enough.

He knows me WAY to well. He pointed out that we had gone to a porn theater and had sex in front of others, and not only did I get over the fact that people were WATCHING us, but I upped my braveness a notch and asked him to take me back a few days later, where I found having sex with him in front of people VERY HOT. I still need to blog about this!

He pointed out that the porn theater was way skeezier than this place, and that because I WAS SO BRAVE, AND THE BRAVEST GIRL HE KNEW, that I could do it.

He had me. And he knew it. He knows that two things make me putty in his hands...telling me how brave I am and referring to me by first and last name...ONLY USING HIS LAST NAME, not mine.

And the adorable brat DID BOTH. "Come on Missy ___________. You are SO BRAVE."

Well, hell. Yes I am!

We went in, asked about membership, and signed up. Steven paid the annual fee and the admittance fee, and we were off.

To me, someone that is DIRECTIONALLY RETARDED, it was like a maze. A big sex maze. Hot tubs (inside and outside), showers, rooms...some with windows, some without. Couches, beds, rooms with porn on, a cage with a sex swing, food, pool tables, a dance floor with a stripper pole (that my goof ball of a man decided to try out for me...he is FEARLESS I tell you).

It was fairly early in the night, and while there were people there, there wasn't much action going on. We wandered the maze, and as time passed, things picked up. A goth looking chic was being blindfolded and cuffed to the cage, while another girl (who, by the way had this GREAT jacket on that I want) started whipping her back. We sat and watched that for a bit, and I was slowly relaxing.

It wasn't skeezy. It was just a bunch of sex freaks, like us! Everyone looked and acted normal, either interacting or minding their own business. In typical Steven fashion, he struck up a conversation with some people, I just listened (secretly beaming because I love this about him...).

There was some serious sex action in one of the rooms...there was a window that you could watch (and listen) through. Originally it was a couple, by the end of our visit it was full blown swapping action that was ENTHUSIASTIC.

We went into a private room and locked the door. There was an aquarium and a red light overhead...just the perfect lighting. Steven immediately stripped, and intermittently took pieces of my clothing off while kissing me (we later agreed that it was seriously great kissing).

When I was down to nothing but my bra, we went at it in typical Steven and Missy fashion. Blow jobs, kissing, him going down on me, me tasting myself off of his lips when he kisses me, him on top, from behind, etc. Seriously, we have ADHD sex, which is the ONLY way to go in my opinion. I never know what will happen next, and we never seem to focus in any one place or position for too long. LOVE THIS!!

We could hear the people in the room next to us having sex, and that made it even hotter. After I had cum several times, Steve asked if he could open our door. I said yes...and so he did.

I have NO IDEA who watched. I was too focused on how amazing his cock felt in me. At one point I glanced up and saw someone standing there, the next time I glanced up there was no one.

When I was GIDDY from great sex, Steven told me he was going to cum in my mouth, and man did he ever! It was more than a swallow for me...I had to gulp and then gulp again, leaving a slight cumstache which he kissed off.

He laid on top of me, his damp skin against mine. We kissed and kissed and kissed some more, and then got dressed.

We peeked in on the serious swapping action next door, and then wandered around a bit more...the cage now had two men and a woman in it, she was in the swing being fucked while sucking on the other guy. And now that I was over the whole SHOCK, it was no big deal. Like watching a porn, live. No big deal, right?

I have a suspicion, just knowing how I am, that I might warm up to this idea even more...the whole being watched thing is exciting to Steven. I am starting to understand that. I have always considered myself open minded, but am becoming even more so...to the point that two men together doesn't phase me, I can understand pain as pleasure, and that great sex can put me in a better mood than I ever thought possible. I am also learning to love my body. I have Steven to thank for this. He loves every inch just the way it is, and I am figuring out that he isn't just saying that. And that it is okay for me to love myself too.

The best thing about all of this, is that being with Steve is like stretching. You think that you have gone as far as you can. However, if you want to, and if you choose to, you can go a bit further. He NEVER pushes anything on me, and if I don't want to do something, that is it. End of conversation. However, he knows that if I just STRETCH, there are things that I would really enjoy. Things that I never would have tried. He has yet to be wrong...even if my legs are shaking, even if I am trying to talk myself out of something, I am ALWAYS glad that I have done it.

And just when I think that we have done it all, he gets this glint in his eyes, this boyish grin that melts my heart, smiles at me, and reminds me that I am SO BRAVE...and we are off on another adventure.

Yep. I am SO BRAVE.

MIRROR IMAGE

Steven and I had a rare opportunity this morning. He had a free morning, and I was able to go into work late. No kids at home this morning, no husband either. He agreed to come see me for a couple of hours.

He had been here before, briefly, the last time being 5 days after I had major surgery 2 months ago...I was loaded on pain pills and insisted that he stick his cock in my mouth. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE HEALING POWERS OF YOUR MAN'S COCK IN YOUR MOUTH. Seriously. Amazing.

So, he came over this morning...I had ran to the store to get a few breakfast things. We hung out, ate, chatted, etc. At some point he asked for the "official tour" (was this smooth or what?) and we went upstairs. We were in my room, both a little apprehensive for various reasons. I knew that being there was lower risk than most places...there was NO WAY my husband could come home, and my neighbors are all really low key and we all mind our own business. It is still weird though, I mean, really, that is the ultimate slap in the face for the one being cheated on. It didn't phase me though, my husband has had his chance(s) to make things right with me, and has chosen not to. So there.

We were laying on my bed, kissing, cuddling. I told Steve I wanted to suck on him, and he was nice and let me. All of a sudden he demanded that I get naked, and I did. Meanwhile, he had to take a work call, and being the brat that I am, I decided that my tongue needed some more time on his cock...and balls...and ass...and inner thighs...mmmmm...

He wrapped up his call, and got on top of me, getting me off virtually in seconds. He has that effect on me...and it is more than feeling him inside of me. Obviously that pushes me over the edge, but it is the whole EXPERIENCE. Looking at him. Smelling him. Kissing him. I get into this place with him where it is so carnal, so deep. And what SHOCKS the hell out of me is that I am someone that struggles to shut down. Struggles to think of just one thing at a time. I am someone that is always doing, thinking, and multitasking. Yet, when I am with Steven, particularly in bed, I am able to shut down all of that. Without a conscious effort. It just happens. He allows me a freedom from my own mind that I have never known.

After a few orgasms, one that was particularly intense, he wanted me to turn around. Instinctively, I turned at angle that I would have turned with the person that I am *normally* in that bed with.

Steven had me move, and I saw why. My headboard has a mirror. And I have had that headboard for almost 13 years. And in 13 years, NEVER has my husband (or myself for that matter) utilized that headboard for visual purposes while having sex.

WHAT THE HELL!!!??? This shows you where the sex in my marriage has been!

It was HOT. I could watch Steven's face. Watch him slapping my ass. Watch him moving in and out of me. Watch US. And then I told him I wanted to watch him cum on my back. I LOVE HOW THIS FEELS.

I lifted my ass a little higher and dropped my upper body so I could get the full on view. I watched Steven's face as he neared orgasm...and when he did, he pulled out and I felt his hot cum shoot all over my back WHILE I WATCHED.

It was AMAZING...and I loved the feeling!

Never again will I look at that mirror the same. I love how Steven's mind thinks!

Man, thinking about my cum covered back is making me horny...where is that hot man when I need him? Oh yeah. With his family. Ahhh...the joys of the double lives that we lead.

THREESOMES

THREESOMES. To have or not to have?

When I was in high school, I made friends with a girl named DJ that was a year older than me. She had parents that were "carnies", and during the carnival season, she was often left home alone. She was 16 at the time.

We immediately hit it off, and were inseparable. I was eager for a new BEST FRIEND...I had maintained my relationships with my best friends from childhood, but high school was so different. And while I had a lot of friends, I didn't have someone that I was super TIGHT with. Until DJ.

My mother immediately loved her...DJ would go to church with our family sometimes, we would stay at each other's houses overnight, we were together all of the time. DJ was very affectionate, at first it made me nervous. She would snuggle up next to me if we were watching TV, was always very touchy with me. It was always while we were alone, never in front of others.

The first thing I found odd was that when I would stay at her house, she would want to share a bed. So, we would sleep in the guest room together. Her parents were never home, we had this great house (they had money...and she was a spoiled only child) to ourselves and it was so FUN. She drove a nice sports car, and I got to drive it too. Her parents left her with plenty of money, she loved buying me gifts. It was exciting, fun, and new. And I thought that I had found the most AMAZING best friend EVER.

Our relationship started slowly...it was almost as if she knew what she wanted, and it was a grooming process with me. She would slowly push a little more affection on me each time we were together, and I wouldn't stop her. The first time she full on kissed me, I didn't object. In fact, I liked it.

Naturally, the relationship progressed. She had never been in a relationship with a female before, and was still a virgin although she had dated boys. I was not a virgin, I had slept with a couple of guys at this point, and continued to date boys.

We did it all. It was a full blown female/female relationship. In my head, it was experimental. Harmless. It was way more than that to DJ. At first, it was fun. We shared clothes, had a great time together, and had this secret sexual relationship on the side. Parts of it were hot, to be completely honest. I found her body attractive. Boobs are fun. She experienced her first orgasm while I was performing oral sex on her. It wasn't nearly as satisfying to me as having a cock in me and a wonderful male body touching me, but it wasn't bad.

A friend of mine invited us over one afternoon, he was out of high school, and we had met through an ex-boyfriend of mine. Somehow, the conversation had turned to sex, and DJ and I decided to borrow some porn movies from him. And at some point, someone suggested that we have a threesome. So...being young and horny, we did. It was weird...parts were hot, parts were not. I think if he would have been someone I was attracted to, it would have been much hotter. And there was no actual intercourse that took place with this...just everything else. I chalked it up to another experiment to add to my resume, and that was that.

My mom invited DJ to live with us for a few months that next spring, while DJ's parents were on the road. My mom couldn't bear the thought of sweet DJ living alone. So, she moved in, and shared my room with me. My younger siblings adored her, and she was very helpful with things at home. She would take my sister to basketball practice, help mom cook, etc. It was all good. Our physical relationship continued, and became a bit obvious. We had to lay low for awhile...I was scared to death. My mom walked in while we were laying in bed together, and my younger sister saw her kiss me once. Things became tense at home, and DJ moved out shortly after. I clearly remembered being in the car with mom, and commenting on a wedding dress in a magazine. She looked at me hard and said "BECOMING A LESBIAN WILL SQUASH YOUR DREAMS OF A WEDDING AND CHILDREN." For being very liberal, and very supportive of her homosexual brother, I was shocked. I was certainly NOT a lesbian, but what if I was? I certainly wouldn't have felt unconditionally supported. I confided in an adult friend of mine, who stabbed me in the back and told my mom that I was confused about my relationship with DJ. To this day I am still angry about this.

Our relationship changed at that point. I knew that she wanted more than I could give her. I knew that what had been "messing around" to me was much more to her. I was distancing myself from her, she was jealous, VERY JEALOUS, of the guys in my life. She became a bit controlling, I wasn't having it. We had AWFUL fights, it was mass drama. It was awful. I was almost depressed. I knew that I was not gay. There was no doubt in my mind. I think that I was, and am, sexually adventurous. I wouldn't go far enough to say that I am bi-sexual, but I would say that I am not opposed to sexual acts with a female. AGAIN, this follows my DABBLING nature.

DJ and I had one last ugly, intense fight, where she got a bit physical with me, and that was it. I was done. My home life was in shambles...my parents were having marital issues, and it was just a bad time for me. It was at that point that I felt like I needed to get away from high school. I cared about my job, my relationship with my boyfriend (now my husband), and that was about it. I elected to take college classes full time that next year, and to just be done with the high school scene.

DJ attempted to contact me repeatedly. I ignored it all. She would leave notes on my car when I was at work, saying that she was sorry, that I was the greatest best friend that she had ever had. It was pathetic to me. I was serious with a guy, working hard, and trying hard to forget her.

When I told my husband about her early on while we were dating, he was a bit bugged by the whole thing. He was quite the homophobe at this time (he still is somewhat). He didn't want the details, and I think that he probably hasn't thought about it much since then. He did meet her when we were first together, and when she started rubbing my leg while sitting next to me, I knew that I couldn't be around the two of them together. Again. And I wasn't.

I didn't hear from her for over 10 years...come to find out she had left the country for 5 years. This past year she contacted me via Myspace. I waited a long time to approve the friend request, and then finally did. I sent her a message saying that I was glad to be her friend online if she was willing to respect my privacy. She has moved back into the area, and I didn't want her showing up at my place of work or anything. She agreed, and was very kind in her reply. So, she has seen my kid's pictures, knows what is going on in my life. And I am okay with that. Not surprisingly, her sexual orientation is listed on her Myspace profile as BI-SEXUAL, and there are pictures of her and another girl posted on there.

What compelled me to write this post was a recent evening with Steven. We had both drank a ton...more than we ever had together. We had fun in our hotel room...sloppy crazy sexual escapades...randomness right and left. At some point, we had a drunken conversation about threesomes that I found very hot. Yes, I had the experience with DJ, and a couple of other situations (see my early postings), but that was different in my head. They weren't planned, with set limits, or rules.

I liked the thought of being with another woman and Steven, under the right circumstances. I don't know how I would feel about him actually having sex with another woman...I think that I could possibly have a hard time with that. As it is, I already get to live with the oh-so-pleasant knowledge that he has sex with his wife when she allows him to. And I am not crazy about that...and he is MARRIED to her for crying out loud. Yet...other stuff might be hot. It is definitely something to think about. It is so RISKY though, because you can't undo it. You can't take it back. It would have to be with just the right person, under just the right circumstances, and with just the right rules in place.

Apparently during this drunken conversation, I told Steven that I would have a threesome with him and DJ. Not sure what to make of that...do I really feel that way? Would I really? WHAT would make me say that to him? It seems so ODD to me now, thinking straight and completely sober.

I would love to hear any thoughts on this...is it worth exploring? Is it better just left alone? Steven and I are so naturally sexually adventurous, that I wouldn't say no to anything with him. So far I have done things that I am amazed by, and have yet to regret something we have done together. In fact, something that I was scared to death to do has now become very hot and exciting to me (watch for a post on this very soon)...so who knows?

As Steve likes to say to me...IF I DON'T KNOW, WHO DOES?