NEEDS

I love when sex feels so completely amazing that you can't hold still. Last night I could not hold still. Steven's hard cock was filling me up, and I was squirming here, there, and everywhere. I wanted to keep feeling, keep cumming, keep enjoying. I was moving this way, then that way, then making sure every inch was deep inside of me. I wanted to touch him everywhere, and be touched everywhere. I wanted to feel submissive, yet in control. I wanted it soft and sweet, yet rough and demanding. I COULD NOT HOLD STILL. And when he came, it was equally as satisfying to me as all of my orgasms combined.

Sometimes you don't know what you need until after you get it.

Here is what I needed last night:

- A trip to Target with Steven. We split up so we weren't seen together...it was in a risky place. However...I love Target and I love Steven. Great combo.

- Dinner at Red Lobster. Again high risk. And oh-so yummy. And my margarita was amazing.

- Cuddling in our hotel room while watching Biggest Loser. MY FAVORITE SHOW!!

- I needed to cry. I thought that I couldn't cry anymore. Telling my kids that my husband and I are separating was THE WORST thing I have EVER done as a mom. HORRIBLE. I will never, ever be able to erase the image of my oldest child's face as he absorbed the news. And so when I was laying with Steven, rubbing his back, breathing him in, I lost it. Completely lost it. Sobbing in his arms. And he held me, and talked quietly, and let me find comfort in his words and touch.

- I needed wiggly, good sex.

- I needed to have him sing to me and stroke my hair so that I would relax enough to sleep.

- I needed to sleep (even though it was restless) next to him.

- I needed to wake up next to him...actually, with his cock telling me it was time to get up...

Mmmmmm. What a GREAT night....

PHASES

Affairs are interesting things.

I am feeling fairly reflective today, as next week marks EIGHT MONTHS that Steven and I have been together. EIGHT MONTHS. Wow.

I have been thinking about how we have had phases, and we seem to hit those phases at different times. There was the I HATE WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE phase...Steven went through it first, then I did. There was the I WANT EVERY SECOND OF YOUR TIME TO MYSELF phase...again, we hit this at different times. There is the WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR SPOUSE phase. And of course the I NEED YOU, YES, I AM SUPER NEEDY AND YOU NEED TO MEET THOSE NEEDS phase, and while we have both weaved in and out of this...it is still there, and still has the right to resurface now and then. The trick is to realize that this phase is occurring, and act accordingly (this goes for the needy one, and the one that needs to deal with the needy one).

After a summer of pushing way too hard to see how much we could possibly see each other every hour/day/week/month, regardless of the price paid at home or work, we have mellowed out. Kids are settled back in school, we are buckled down at our jobs. While this summer was priceless, we both pushed our limits a bit too much. I have no regrets though...there will never be another summer like this in our relationship. I have a head full of memories...some beautiful, some funny, some painful, some intense, and that is something that I will forever cherish. And here we are, trotting along towards a wonderful time of year, yet knowing it is uncharted territory.

It is almost too much for me to think about this being the last holiday season with my current family situation (read: marriage). There are such mixed emotions that come with that. It is almost easier for me to NOT think like that, but I can't help it. It is my reality, and while it is what it is, it is still overwhelming. Having thoughts of WHAT WILL BE keeps me focused on the positive, and reminds me of what I am working towards.

I am so reflective on my life a year ago. To think that I was lowering myself to the likes of Adrien makes me want to vomit. I was such a sad person then. So lonely. So lost. So hungry for SOMETHING...ANYTHING. Honestly not caring if I was being used, because being used feels so much better than just existing.

I am also overwhelmed with the WHY of this relationship. WHY did this happen? What made me RANDOMLY post something on Craigslist that bleak February day? Why did Steven answer it? Why did this happen? To me? To him? To us? Was this who I was meant to be with? Does it work like that? WHY WHY WHY, if that is the case, why NOW? Why when we are so intertwined with our spouses and kids? Why, when this is HARD? Wouldn't have this been easier a few years ago? A decade ago? Why does it feel so good when I am in his arms? Why why why?

And was I really LOOKING for this? I don't think so. I honestly think that I would have been content with a good fuck friend. Really. I can tolerate my husband. Hell, I even like being around him most of the time. And now that I have had SO MUCH MORE...I realize that he would NEVER have been enough. Ever. So maybe I was looking for this, subconsciously? Maybe when I posted that on Craigslist, deep down I knew that I needed so much more.

All reflections aside, there is one thing that keeps lingering in my mind. Like a pulse that I can't stop.

YOU ARE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

Ten years ago I had a fortune cookie that said that. And I liked it. I kept it taped to my bathroom mirror for a few years, until it became ragged and I threw it away. That phrase has stuck with me though, because sometimes you just KNOW when you are headed in the right direction.

And I know that with utmost certainty. Right now.

I. Am. Headed. In. The. Right. Direction.

The messiness of having an affair is a non-issue. We are so much more than that. We have goals, specific, measurable, goals. We respect each other's goals. We have a common goal, and our own personal goals that need to happen to reach that common goal.

I have lost my fight. When you know something is so real, so there, and so tangible, you just let go and let it be. I have no jealousy regarding his wife. I don't think that he has any regarding my husband. These were such REAL issues to us previously, and now they aren't. It is liberating. I dreamt about his wife the other night, and it weirded me out. Yet, it also had great significance to me. The dream was civil, albeit weird. And it left me feeling peaceful, and if anything, a little sad. Sad for her, sad for my husband. They are the ones that will have lost. And we will have gained. Yet, my hope for both of them is that when this is said and done, that this can be a positive for them too. They are both ideal partners for lots of people in this world, and happiness is out there for them too.

So...while I can't promise to never say anything negative about our current spouses again, I have lost my fight. I don't care. I know where I rank. Steven knows where he ranks with me. And being insecure is okay, but letting it interfere with all that is wonderful about US is not.

Last night as I laid in Steven's arms, our bodies in a tangle of limbs, his hands cupped my face. We breathed each other in, sweet kisses were exchanged. And he says to me "This is it. This is what intimacy is." Just us, being us. Nothing fake. Nothing surface. Being vulnerable. Being real. Being silly...laughing, joking, kissing, teasing.

FINALLY. I finally can take a deep breath, and appreciate this relationship for the phase that it is currently in. A phase I am calling YOU ARE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

FISTING AND MORE

Yesterday was quite possibly a perfect day. I met Steven for a few minutes in the morning and stole some deep kisses...the kind that send blood flowing to your pussy and make you want to fuck right then and there. Then we met for lunch...ate and kissed and talked. We were dying for the evening to come so we could BE TOGETHER...we were both very horny, very needy, and watching the clock. We were teasing each other all day, talking about what we wanted to do to each other...driving each other nuts.

This is all fine and dandy...except I got careless and accidentally texted I AM HORNY to my very conservative, very frigid girlfriend instead of Steve. FUCK! I was MORTIFIED! I cleared it up by telling her it was meant for my husband, and then I told my husband in case she teased him about it later. Damn it! Thankfully it wasn't something more incriminating.

So...FINALLY...we are both off work.

We spent a few hours in a hotel room kissing, snuggling, eating pizza, and of course having sex. AND...I had wanted to play with fisting some more, and we did! And I did it! And it rocked! I was relaxed, and when Steven told me he was in me up to his wrist all I could think was THIS FEELS AMAZING! He was totally turned on by how I felt inside, and that when I climaxed he could feel the muscles contracting around his hand. I was unbelievably wet and soooooo turned on! He was really focusing on me down there, licking, sucking, feeling, teasing, working me up into a crazy sweaty orgasm. Steven has said all along that he loves every aspect of sex...the sights, sounds, feelings, tastes, etc. and he isn't lying! He was commenting on all of it...telling me how hot it looked, how good it tasted, how much he was enjoying it.

It is so hard for me to decide where I like Steven to cum...because I like it all so much. There is something really intimate about going home after being together and having traces of him still inside of me. There is something so hot about swallowing that I am unable to put it into words. However, last night I had the privelege of swallowing a load and having him shoot one on my back. I love how it feels as it hits my skin! It was funny, because he was pounding me from behind, and I was just about to tell him that I wanted him to cum on my back, when all of a sudden he pulled out and did it! We are so in sync sometimes it is scary.

We took a few pictures...watch for them on H.N.T.!

I am so in love. Sometimes I think it is a good thing that I can't SHOUT IT TO THE WORLD, because surely by now people would be sick of it! My Facebook status would be "SOOOOO IN LOVE" all the time...my Myspace status would be "I THINK STEVEN IS PERFECT!", and people would be nauseous after listening to me GUSH all damn day.

Oh, but the time will come...and obnoxious I will be. And I don't give a crap if it annoys people! If you have a good thing going on, tell the world, right? And if you don't...FIND A GOOD THING. He/She is out there. Somewhere.

I know this for a fact.