WOW! PEOPLE REALLY READ US!

I just checked the email account associated with the blog and was amazed to see comments that we have gotten recently from readers wanting updates. I apologize for the MONTHS that have gone by without postings!

Where to start? It has been a hell of a year. I have dealt with more than my share of crap. However, it is December, and I am BLESSED. My divorce was final in August. I got a great new job in March and I LOVE IT. My children are happy and healthy. AND...

Steven and I are still together.

Don't get me wrong, I won't sugar coat it. We have had a ROUGH time. Taking my marital status from married to single while his has remained married has just about wrecked us. However, he is working on his end of it, and one of these days y'all are going to see a post that I have been DYING to write for months and months...one about how we are finally US.

My life changed the day I met Steven, and we belong together. We are so fucking stubborn and terrible to each other sometimes. I look at him and feel a love like no other. I crave him. I need him. We need each other. It is complicated...our love and our fighting is best explained like a line in an Eminem song..."That's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano".

I believe that all things happen when they are supposed to. And it is exciting to be on the verge of something so BIG. It is scary too. I wonder things...like will his kids like me? Will my kids and his kids like each other? Are we trying to do the impossible? And then I stop. NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE. When my skin touches his skin, my mouth tastes his mouth, my eyes look into his...I know. I just know. I am going to look back at this post next Christmas and be amazed at what we will do in 2011.

THANK YOU for reading us, for thinking of us, for following our story. We still have hot amazing sex. We have become quite tame lately...spending lots of time at my house, enjoying intimate dinners out, craving each other instead of an audience. We go through phases...and right now we are kind of in a survival phase. We are surviving. We need to nurture US more than anything. I know we will do crazy things again...we will most certainly have sex for an audience again...we will probably enjoy watching people at the swinger's club again...we are sure to come up with some naughty new adventures too.

We wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy 2011...stay tuned...there is more of us yet to come!

Missy

ONE YEAR

A year ago today, on February 7, 2009, I found my Steven. I randomly posted an ad on Craigslist looking for SOMETHING. I wasn't even sure WHAT in the hell I was doing or looking for, I just knew that whatever it was did not exist within my own four walls.

I found it. Him.

I have spent much of this week reflecting on us, our relationship, and how we got here. I decided to make him a hard bound book that had memories, thoughts, things I love, and other randomness in it. I threw some pictures and old emails in it too. It was probably a 6 hour project start to finish, and I almost did it for myself as much as I did it for him. It slowed me down, and really made me think about this past year. It also confirmed that I am headed in the right direction with Steven. The thoughts and memories flowed freely while I worked on the book and it occurred to me that it would be impossible to do something like this based on my 12 year marriage. What does THAT tell you? I read through my work several times, and it was at times quite emotional for me. In a good way. The intensity in which I love Steven can be overwhelming, and something as stupid as thinking over our first meeting could bring me to tears. Good ones.

Fittingly and ironically, I filed for divorce this week. It was liberating. I thought back to where I was, where my head was, and where my heart was a year ago and the only thing that has made this final year of marriage somewhat manageable was Steven. It also felt RIGHT. Nothing about it was BECAUSE OF STEVEN. All of it was BECAUSE OF ME. I feel like my relationship with Steven has made me value my own happiness so much more, and he has been an immense source of love and support. However, he hasn't wrecked a home. If he ended this relationship today my divorce would still happen. And that feels right.

Last night we celebrated by staying the night at the hotel that we first got together at. We had an amazing dinner in our room, drank a bunch of margaritas, watched a movie, and genuinely enjoyed being together. It was quite perfect. Oh, and yes, there was hot sex too!

I am SO EXCITED about my future! I mean, REALLY! Where will I get a job? What will happen when Steven leaves his wife? How amazing will it be when we are both free to just be US? It is all SO EXCITING! Of course, it is nerve wracking, and of course, being "single" while he is still very "married" is trying. Of course job hunting and divorcing are hard things. However, it is the home stretch for US as a couple involved in an affair. We are SO CLOSE to being something so much more that I can taste it. I can SEE IT too. Now that my husband is out of the picture, Steven can come over. Stay the night. Hang out. And that is so much more "real life" than a hotel room. And I love how REAL LIFE looks and feels!

I am so thankful. One year ago, my life changed forever. A beautiful, strong, smart, hilarious man entered my life. Someone that has depth. Someone that is my best friend. Someone that has a light that you can't miss, yet a darkness that I relate to. Someone that has loved me more than I knew possible.

I'm crazy about you Steven. Happy Anniversary!

2010 - A YEAR OF CHANGE

First things first. We are just fine. If you happened to read a dramatic and horrid post by me recently, and now it is deleted, know this: I wrote it in a state of anger and pain. I wrote it with raw emotion. And I wrote things that I shouldn't have. I wasn't telling it like it was. I am leaving it at that. I WAS WRONG.

Steven and I are great. Really great. This is going to be a big year for us. Massive changes are happening on my side...my husband moved out. My place of work abruptly closed down on New Year's Eve. I am exploring this foreign world of unemployment and single parenting. So far so good. I am tough. I haven't let myself throw a pity party for more than a few seconds, and I am pretty proud of that. I am being proactive with my life now. I feel a sense of freedom that I haven't felt in years. I feel like I am being the best mom I could possibly be. And I know that while things won't be easy, that I am headed in the right direction.

I also know that Steven and I are headed in the right direction. This period of time where he is still in his existing relationship and I have this new found freedom is sure to test us. HOWEVER, I can do this. We can do this.

If last night was a glimpse into what life with him would be like, I am not letting him go for anything. It was my first night at home, without kids. They were with their dad. And Steven came over to spend the night. We had the nicest evening together, enjoying "playing house" and not being in a hotel room. We went to dinner, had drinks together at home, watched TV (don't worry...he paused Biggest Loser to give me a real good fucking on the family room floor), and had a glorious night of sleep (and more sex) together.

It felt RIGHT. I could see it. See us. Now, I am not stupid...I realize that between the two of us there are a fuck load of kids. And I realize with a fuck load of kids that may or may not be around that having sex on the family room floor during Biggest Loser is probably not as likely. HOWEVER, it wasn't *that* aspect of it. It was the being real, doing real things, in a real environment that felt so right. So perfect.

I feel like we have turned a corner. December was fucking rough. I could not have had another hardship happen or it would have done me in. I am STILL wading through some hard stuff. However, the constant has been Steven. Yes, we fight and fight ugly. We are passionate, and sometimes in a bad way. Yet, he is there. He is always there. The day I found out that my workplace was closing, I called him crying. He was there in minutes holding me. That night he laid with me while I processed the whole thing and what it meant. He let me cry, be angry, and work through it. It was snowing that night, and amongst the dark cloud that I felt I was under, his warm lips amongst snowflakes by "our lake" made it all manageable.

We have been through more this past year than many people experience in years of marriage. Some of it has been beautiful. Some ugly. Some scary. Some exciting. All of it new.

This WILL be an amazing year. I can't WAIT to see where it leads us. I have SO MUCH that I am looking forward to. I am learning that I can't be a control freak all of the time. I have no idea where I will end up as far as a job goes. I have no idea what my living situation will be. I have no idea how the process of slowly merging our lives together will work. I have no idea how getting divorced will work. There are SO MANY UNKNOWNS!

And yet, I am relatively relaxed. Sometimes losing big things is what it takes to realize what is important. My kids. My health. My faith. My family. My friends.

My Steven.

HIS TONGUE + MY PUSSY = WOW!

Don't you hate it when people say that something is the best/nicest/greatest whatever that you have ever done/seen/etc. and you know that they are just "saying it?"

Yeah, well I do.

So I am going to say something THAT IS NOT A LIE. THAT IS NOT TO FEED SOMEBODIES EGO. THAT IS NOT BEING SAID FOR THE HELL OF IT.

Steven gave me THE BEST ORAL I have EVER EVER EVER had this morning.

No lie.

Oral sex is tricky. It is very personal. Very intimate. Very submissive. When you are having regular sex, you can control quite a bit. I can move my hips, change positions or angles, adjust my body so that he is hitting just the right spot. I can have rapid fire orgasms, or I can play a mind game and hold out. The same goes for GIVING oral...guys like it (and need it) differently. Some guys get off at the thought of a blow job, others make you work a little harder for that glorious warm, wet finale.

Oral is different for me than many women. I like the fullness that a cock gives me. Mouths and/or fingers can take a bit more to get me off. HOWEVER, some of the most amazing orgasms come from oral. They are different, and oh-so-good. And sometimes, JUST WHAT I WANT.

That being said, Steven has always been good down there. Sometimes when he heads south I am just not wanting it, and I say so. Just the other day he was joking that I didn't want him messing around with any oral, that I just wanted his cock, and wanted it THEN AND NOW.

So, last night we have a glorious night out. We start with hungry, needy sex, where I lost count of the orgasms, and it was just crazy good. We went to dinner, had drinks, got my van stuck in mud while trying to spin around on ice, and then retreated to our hotel room again. More hot sex followed...we watched some porn (which was very, very, very hot...), and had a great night of sleep together.

This morning, we ordered room service, and while waiting for it to come we were playing around. Steven was licking and sucking on my nipples, and all of a sudden I HAD TO HAVE HIS MOUTH ON MY PUSSY. So I asked for it.

And let me tell you, it was magic. It was amazing. The man has mad skills. I have known this from the beginning, but he has PERFECTED the art of ORAL ON MISSY. Holy shit, within a couple of minutes I had a mind blowing orgasm.

And to have it followed up by breakfast in bed and feeling totally pampered and loved and adored by the love of my life? Exquisite. I am still laughing at his possessive tone that he took when the room service arrived and he told me to cover my boobs before opening the door.

So...it was a wonderful time together. However, I fucked up. It isn't easy for me to readily admit it, but I did. I chose to act like a brat at the end of our time together this morning. I chose to get upset over something stupid. He needed to call his wife and check in, and I got pissy. NOT COOL.

I love to lose myself in the fake world where spouses don't exist, and we are each other's one and only.

And then when the cold water hits my face and I remember that right now, right this second, today, that this is NOT my reality, sometimes I can't fake it. It bugs me. I hate it.

So, I acted like a brat. And it wasn't cool. I apologized later, and I am truly sorry. However, it sucks. It sucks to not be IT. It sucks to not be the ONLY ONE.

I have decided that I need to stop viewing it as threatening. I need to have the mindset that our spouses are just TECHNICALITIES. That they are a piece of the puzzle, and that is the reality. And married or not, we share kids with them, and divorce won't make them disappear. So I had better get used to that.

And you know what? He was WITH ME. I mean, really. What a brat I was being. He wasn't pouring her coffee, kissing her boobs, licking her pussy, enjoying her company. He was doing that with ME. Every day he chooses to spend time on ME. Talking, texting, being together. He gives ME that time. He finds ways to be away from home to be with ME. He loves ME. It is with ME that he wants a future.

So, after having these deep thoughts, I have vowed to myself to be more courteous about this. To appreciate the time I get more than I already do. To recognize the great gift that our time together is. And to remember that he gives ME sooooo much, and even when it feels like not enough, that it has to be enough for now.

When Steven and I said our goodnights via texting tonight, he sent me this:

"I loved being out with you last night. Being together just makes me feel fantastic. We are meant to be together. For sure."

My thoughts EXACTLY.

FUCK ME SILLY

Sometimes getting completely lost in sex is the most amazing feeling ever.

To lose all awareness of everything...time, your surroundings, everything.

I did this last night.

And I REALLY NEEDED IT.

Round 1 was great, intense sex. Kisses, eye contact, oral...me getting a little emotional, and Steven whispering to just relax and let us do what we do best. Love each other. A little bit of everything, including some anal with Steven on top. This is really a pretty sweet position...you get the intimacy of being face to face while getting the naughtiness of anal. That is nice right there! Climax after climax...mmmmm...it was good. Some snuggle time afterwards was amazing too.

Round 2 was great, intense sex. YET, it was different.

At one point, Steven's cock was thrusting in and out of my mouth. His warm lips were teasing my nipples. I was working my friend, MR. HOT PINK VIBRATOR, around my clit, and occasionally sliding it in and out of me. MOST of my arousal was coming from is cock in my mouth. He would occasionally take it out, stroke it himself, and watching that right by my face was pretty hot. I flirted with mini-orgasms...not wanting to stop...letting the intensity grow...Steven was enjoying watching me play with MR. HOT PINK VIBRATOR...it was almost too much going on at once.

When he climbed on top of me and slid himself inside me (have I mentioned that feeling our bodies connected feels like I am just where I belong?) I continued to let MR. HOT PINK VIBRATOR buzz around my clit. Steven pounded and pounded, I looked at him, kissed him, touched his face. I knew he was close, and I was on the verge of something crazy. The knowledge that he was close to cumming was just what I needed...within seconds of each other we both explode orgasmically...and whatever the fuck noises I made cracked Steven up. It was seriously a crazy intense, long lasting, mind blowing orgasm. I felt what control I had of my body leave me, and I did a laugh/moan/scream/almost crying thing. I know I laughed...have you ever felt SO GOOD that laughing is all that you can do? It was like that. I was FUCKED SILLY.

My "real" life is in transition right now. My husband is going to slowly start to transition out of our house. I have talked to a lawyer. We need to talk to our children next week. My husband and I are on the same page...we know that we are doing what we need to do. What is best for both of us. There is no ugliness. No fighting. However, it is a lot for me to wrap my mind around. I am happy, sad, excited, scared. I am EXHAUSTED. I don't know when I have had a great night of sleep last. I am worried that Steven and I won't survive this transition I am going through. I am worried that when his time comes, when he is ready to dissolve his marriage, that I won't be what he needs. That I won't be a good support. There is SO MUCH on my mind.

And you know what? What I can't stop thinking about is HOW STRONG I AM. I can do this. My kids will be fine. They have two parents that love them, and will always take care of them. They will be fine. And I will too. I am also thinking that I am ONE STEP closer to where I belong...

This is a journey. A day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute journey. It isn't always pretty. It isn't always easy. It is exhausting. But, if I can lose myself for a few moments and embrace the true love that is between Steven and myself, I am okay. In that moment, I am okay.

I think great sex is like therapy. At least for me.

IF ONLY LIFE HAD A REMOTE CONTROL

Sometimes I wish that life came with a remote control.

I would like the option to hit pause, and enjoy my kids at certain ages and stages just a little longer. I would like to hit stop, and then rewind when I make a bad decision. I would like to hit stop when things are just too hard, and play again when I feel strong enough to do so. And I would like to hit play when things are going just perfect and I can continue along.

Right now I would love to hit fast forward.

My life is daunting to me at this moment. The past 5 days were glorious. My husband was out of town (this never happens), and I had a good taste of what being the only parent felt like. And I am beyond capable. I sell myself short. I don't need anyone.

Steven and I enjoyed the added time that was available, and spent a few hours on Thursday afternoon and Friday morning together at my house. The kids were at school, and we enjoyed just having mellow "real" time. Time that wasn't in a hotel room. Talking, looking at pictures, just hanging out. Don't get me wrong...you know that the opportunity was taken to have sex...bent over the bathroom counter, looking in the mirror that is in my headboard...good intense, efficient sex. What I refer to as GOOD FUCKING.

We had Saturday evening together as well...all night. Grandma took my kids, and he was able to finagle a work excuse to not go home. We had an evening that started with great lovemaking, followed by an amazing dinner, drinks, dancing, and just really enjoying each other. The night ended with singing and dancing in the rain by our lake, and then retreating to our hotel room for more great sex, and sleeping next to each other which is a real luxury. The night was so perfect that I am choosing to leave the description at this...sometimes things are too intimate, too special, and too US for words.

So, here we are. Monday night. And while I would love to rewind and have the past 5 days happen again, I would also like to hit fast forward. AN ENTIRE YEAR.

I took a huge leap today. HUGE. I spent the day with my parents, and finally had the courage to tell them about the state of my marriage. I was very honest. They weren't surprised...I have eluded to marital issues all year. However, this afternoon I told them everything. Of course I did not share anything about Steven (or any other affairs that I have had). I shared what have been my issues. It took a lot for me to say them out loud. To say I HAVE A HUSBAND THAT IS A HARD WORKER, A GREAT FATHER, BUT IS NOT MEETING MY NEEDS AS A HUSBAND. HE HAS A GAMBLING ADDICTION. HE HAS SEXUAL ISSUES THAT HE REFUSES TO SEE A DOCTOR FOR. I HAVE BEEN LONELY, REJECTED, AND UNHAPPY FOR AWHILE. The night before he went out of town last week I had been feeling under the weather and asked him to rub my back and lay with me so I could fall asleep. His response was that he couldn't play poker online and do that. This is just one example of ways that this marriage is not much of a marriage anymore.

My family has always adored my husband. I know that my siblings have thought of him as a sibling, and my parents have thought of him as a son. He has been in our lives since I was 16. They see him with our children, and admire what a wonderful father he is. They see him tirelessly work hard for our family. And I get this. He is a great guy. A nice guy. However, he isn't enough for me. He isn't what is best for me. We have had a broken marriage for years, and I am done with the acting. The fakeness. The acting. It is time to face the music and take care of me for once.

So, there I was. Sitting outside on a beautiful fall day, crying. Talking to my parents. And their response and reaction was completely different than I had anticipated. I was prepared for them to encourage counseling. To tell me to pray about it. To tell me that I could do this, that we just needed to work harder.

Instead I received more support than I could have imagined. It wasn't even suggested that staying together was an option. They both said that they saw this coming. I was encouraged to be responsible and to start saving money. To think about me. To take care of myself. And after I got home this evening, my mother called to tell me to keep talking, remember to take care of myself, and that they loved me.

I sat on the stairs, hiding from my kids, and cried. I feel like this was one of my biggest challenges, and I did it. I have family support. I am loved. I can do this.

I wish that I could see ahead a year. See what my life will be like. What my relationship with Steven will look like. The amount of unknowns scares me. I like organization. Things to be lined out. Schedules. Plans. And NONE of that happens in situations like these.

I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be without a spouse. I don't want to be financially in a worse position. I don't want to adjust my lifestyle drastically from how it is now. I want to wave a wand, and POOF...have Steven in the place of my husband. And life happily ever after. I want to avoid the messiness that is ahead of me.

And I can't. I can't. While in my heart I know that what I am doing is for ME and not for Steven, I would be lying to say that he isn't a factor. It would be real easy to continue living how I am. I could trade the marital issues in exchange for the comforts of everything else. I could continue as is. My husband has said to do what I need to do (like have an affair) as long as I am not blatant about it. I could keep that up. I could keep my children with both of their parents. I would be lying if I didn't admit that knowing that I have a future with Steven isn't a big motivator.

Yet, I need to take care of me. I need out. I need a new start. I need to do this right. I want a marriage done right. More than anything. I know in my heart that I am meant to be with Steven. There is no doubt. And I know that it will happen. I have moments of doubt...moments that I worry he will just say fuck it, and decide that his marriage isn't that bad. That he can stick it out and stay married until his kids are older. That I am not what he needs. That this is too hard.

I have to trust that things will happen the way they are supposed to. I have to trust that regardless of my relationship with Steven, that I am doing what I need to do, for me. I have to realize that I have a great support system within my family and a few of my friends.

I need to remember to breathe, and that fast forwarding isn't an option. I need to work towards a divorce that impacts my children minimally. I need to think about myself and what I need.

I need to trust that Steven and I will look back on these trying time and know that we did the right thing, for the right reasons, and that it was worth it. And when that time comes, I want to relish it. And most likely I will want to hit pause and savor that moment, and then hit play so that we can continue our lives. Together.

PHASES

Affairs are interesting things.

I am feeling fairly reflective today, as next week marks EIGHT MONTHS that Steven and I have been together. EIGHT MONTHS. Wow.

I have been thinking about how we have had phases, and we seem to hit those phases at different times. There was the I HATE WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE phase...Steven went through it first, then I did. There was the I WANT EVERY SECOND OF YOUR TIME TO MYSELF phase...again, we hit this at different times. There is the WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR SPOUSE phase. And of course the I NEED YOU, YES, I AM SUPER NEEDY AND YOU NEED TO MEET THOSE NEEDS phase, and while we have both weaved in and out of this...it is still there, and still has the right to resurface now and then. The trick is to realize that this phase is occurring, and act accordingly (this goes for the needy one, and the one that needs to deal with the needy one).

After a summer of pushing way too hard to see how much we could possibly see each other every hour/day/week/month, regardless of the price paid at home or work, we have mellowed out. Kids are settled back in school, we are buckled down at our jobs. While this summer was priceless, we both pushed our limits a bit too much. I have no regrets though...there will never be another summer like this in our relationship. I have a head full of memories...some beautiful, some funny, some painful, some intense, and that is something that I will forever cherish. And here we are, trotting along towards a wonderful time of year, yet knowing it is uncharted territory.

It is almost too much for me to think about this being the last holiday season with my current family situation (read: marriage). There are such mixed emotions that come with that. It is almost easier for me to NOT think like that, but I can't help it. It is my reality, and while it is what it is, it is still overwhelming. Having thoughts of WHAT WILL BE keeps me focused on the positive, and reminds me of what I am working towards.

I am so reflective on my life a year ago. To think that I was lowering myself to the likes of Adrien makes me want to vomit. I was such a sad person then. So lonely. So lost. So hungry for SOMETHING...ANYTHING. Honestly not caring if I was being used, because being used feels so much better than just existing.

I am also overwhelmed with the WHY of this relationship. WHY did this happen? What made me RANDOMLY post something on Craigslist that bleak February day? Why did Steven answer it? Why did this happen? To me? To him? To us? Was this who I was meant to be with? Does it work like that? WHY WHY WHY, if that is the case, why NOW? Why when we are so intertwined with our spouses and kids? Why, when this is HARD? Wouldn't have this been easier a few years ago? A decade ago? Why does it feel so good when I am in his arms? Why why why?

And was I really LOOKING for this? I don't think so. I honestly think that I would have been content with a good fuck friend. Really. I can tolerate my husband. Hell, I even like being around him most of the time. And now that I have had SO MUCH MORE...I realize that he would NEVER have been enough. Ever. So maybe I was looking for this, subconsciously? Maybe when I posted that on Craigslist, deep down I knew that I needed so much more.

All reflections aside, there is one thing that keeps lingering in my mind. Like a pulse that I can't stop.

YOU ARE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

Ten years ago I had a fortune cookie that said that. And I liked it. I kept it taped to my bathroom mirror for a few years, until it became ragged and I threw it away. That phrase has stuck with me though, because sometimes you just KNOW when you are headed in the right direction.

And I know that with utmost certainty. Right now.

I. Am. Headed. In. The. Right. Direction.

The messiness of having an affair is a non-issue. We are so much more than that. We have goals, specific, measurable, goals. We respect each other's goals. We have a common goal, and our own personal goals that need to happen to reach that common goal.

I have lost my fight. When you know something is so real, so there, and so tangible, you just let go and let it be. I have no jealousy regarding his wife. I don't think that he has any regarding my husband. These were such REAL issues to us previously, and now they aren't. It is liberating. I dreamt about his wife the other night, and it weirded me out. Yet, it also had great significance to me. The dream was civil, albeit weird. And it left me feeling peaceful, and if anything, a little sad. Sad for her, sad for my husband. They are the ones that will have lost. And we will have gained. Yet, my hope for both of them is that when this is said and done, that this can be a positive for them too. They are both ideal partners for lots of people in this world, and happiness is out there for them too.

So...while I can't promise to never say anything negative about our current spouses again, I have lost my fight. I don't care. I know where I rank. Steven knows where he ranks with me. And being insecure is okay, but letting it interfere with all that is wonderful about US is not.

Last night as I laid in Steven's arms, our bodies in a tangle of limbs, his hands cupped my face. We breathed each other in, sweet kisses were exchanged. And he says to me "This is it. This is what intimacy is." Just us, being us. Nothing fake. Nothing surface. Being vulnerable. Being real. Being silly...laughing, joking, kissing, teasing.

FINALLY. I finally can take a deep breath, and appreciate this relationship for the phase that it is currently in. A phase I am calling YOU ARE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

THINKING...AND IT EXCITES ME!

I woke up an hour ago, and while listening to the rain from the coziness of my bed, I started thinking.

Thinking about how filled with hope that I am right now. Thinking about how bright the future seems.

Thinking that the rain, and beginnings of Fall in the air are symbolic of another season that Steven and I will be together.

Thinking that when this started, it was Winter. Thinking that the 7th of September marks 7 months of this roller coaster ride that I am so very thankful for.

Thinking that when I saw him last night, he looked super yummy.

Thinking that when we walked on OUR BEACH in the dark last night, holding hands, that I wanted time to stop.

Thinking that when when I was on my knees in the sand, the light drizzle of rain falling, the sound of the water rippling, and the warmth and hardness of his cock in my mouth that life seemed pretty much perfect in that moment.

Thinking that when the rain started coming down harder, that moving under some trees was a good idea.

Thinking that being bent over, hands against the moss on an old tree, a branch tangled in my hair, and feeling Steven slide into me was amazing. It's a height thing.

Thinking that I can't WAIT to be US. Totally and completely US. To be as intertwined with each other's lives as you can possibly be.

Thinking that weekly we become more a part of the real lives that the other leads. We learn more. Feel more. Think more. Plan more. Share more. Experience more.

Thinking that I am head over heels in love with Steven.

Thinking that I am pretty darn fortunate.

Thinking that I am excited for our future and what it holds.

FALLING...APART

My apologies in advance to those of you that were anticipating a steamy, sex filled, post vacation blog entry.

I don't have one.

I am not as tough as I would like to think.

And right now, I am not keeping it together.

This vacation was hard. Very hard. I looked at every moment and thought of it as a "last". I thought about my kids enjoying this same vacation next year, with their father and grandparents, but not me.

I enjoyed the time with my kids. Even enjoyed most of the time with my husband and in laws.

And I missed Steven like crazy. I ached for him. Wanted to feel him. Kiss him. Hold him. Be there WITH him. I wanted to walk on the beach holding his hand. I wanted to listen to the ocean while lying in bed with him.

Soon I told myself. Soon. Our time together for real is coming SOON.

And then the past day has been one big cluster fuck. I am sitting here, stunned. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My heart hurts.

We are both just so fucking needy. What started as me needing reassurance and comfort turned into 24+ hours of bickering. Hurting each other.

Now, realize that there are two sides to every story, and this is MY side. Steven is more than welcome to post on here too.

However, I am hurt beyond what I am able to articulate. I JUST NEEDED HIM TO SAY "IT'S OKAY SWEETIE. WE CAN DO THIS. ONE MORE DAY. NO NEED TO FEEL INSECURE, NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP."

I needed him to understand that I wasn't trying to shut him out, but that I was trying to avoid conflict.

I needed him to understand. Yes...it is hard to be the one left at home when the other is on vacation. However, having done both sides of this now, it is harder to be away in my opinion. It was hard to have down time that I am not used to, but to have it surrounded by family.

Long story short, shit hit the fan last night. I am not getting into details, but the bottom line is that I CAN'T DO THIS. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am teetering a fine line with my sanity.

I love Steven. He has stolen my heart in a way that no one has ever done. He has taught me so much. I am nuts about him. Sexually I felt that I had met my match. He knows more about me than anyone ever has. I trust him with anything and everything.

I want this so bad. I want him so bad.

I want us so bad.

I can't do this right now though. It pains me to say that.

So I am trying to figure this out. How CAN this work? Can I change something so I feel more balanced? Can I become thicker skinned so that I am better fit for this lifestyle? How can I remember everything? Not cry about it all? Not want so much? Not be so insecure? Or jealous? Or needy? He tells me plans and the next day I don't know what he said. I am the most organized person, and I can't keep this together. I frustrate him. I piss him off. I see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice.

I am falling apart.

I know what I need and want, and I can't figure out how to have it.

I am so sad. So so sad. I want to close my eyes and wake up to this being a dream. I want to wave a wand and have it be better. I want the hurt that is burning deep within me to stop.

I am falling apart.

6 KIDS PEOPLE. 6 KIDS.

We have had been asked several questions from readers lately, and instead of commenting individually, I am going to answer them in this post. While most of these have been addressed in previous posts, I realize that newer readers may not have read everything.

1) How do we manage to find so much time together?

We both have flexible job situations. While Steve has a set schedule, he is in a profession where having late meetings and appointments is not unreasonable, and this allows him the ability to use this as an excuse. I work part time, pick my own schedule, and have the ability to come and go as I please the majority of the time. This gives me a tremendous amount of freedom. I also have a handful of friends that make good "excuses", and one of them is aware of my situation and would vouch for me in a heartbeat. I also have a few things that I volunteer time to, and I am able to fudge this a bit as well to allow for more time with Steven. We also work very close to each other, so this makes things like lunch in the park, or quick drop in visits possible. I love this!!

2) Do our spouses suspect anything?

My husband and I have been on the rocks for awhile now. He is aware of 2 of my previous affairs, and prior to meeting Steven, we were seriously discussing divorce. Right now we are at a point where we have agreed that leaving each other is inevitable, but for the sake of our kids and for other reasons (financial), we have decided that separating right this second is not the best situation. Due to the issues that we have had, we came to an agreement a few months ago. We basically have agreed to turn a blind eye to anything that the other is doing, as long as we aren't hurting anyone or being blatant about it. This is really a one sided agreement, as my husband has not expressed any desire to have a relationship with anyone else, yet he knew that he was unable to meet my needs and had no qualms in agreeing to this. If he were to want to pursue something on the side, I would be supportive. Divorce is in our future, but why should we be miserable in the interim? I believe that he is aware that I am having an affair right now. He hasn't asked, nor has he said anything, but he knows me well enough to know that I need more sex than he is providing. This combined with other behavior patterns should paint the picture for him. As far as Steven goes, I don't think that his wife suspects anything. I think that she is grasping the fact that their marriage is in trouble and beyond repair. I think that there may be things that have made her wonder, and there may be things that one that is more in tuned to infidelity would spot from a mile away. However, I think that while things may have not added up here or there, that she believes that Steven is unhappy, and that is the bulk of any issues. The bottom line is that we are both very meticulous about covering our bases, protecting each other, and being smart about our relationship. The goal is that no one gets hurt!

3) Will we leave our spouses?

YES. We have set some goals and time lines, and continually talk about what we want, where we are headed, and how we will get there. While I have really disclosed almost everything in this blog, I won't give out our time lines and goals specifically. It is very personal to me. This is nothing to be taken lightly, and is more complicated than anything I have ever dealt with. We have 6 kids between the two of us, and the ultimate goal is to do this in a way that impacts our kids the least amount possible. We also do not want to screw our spouses over either. They need time to adjust to the thought of this, and we want our ducks in a row. We both have financial goals that we want to accomplish, and while divorce is not an easy thing, we want it to be as easy as possible. The ultimate goal is to impact our kids minimally, maintain good relationships with our current spouses, and do this in a way that isn't ugly. The truth is that we both married people that we shouldn't have. We married people that aren't what we need. They are both good people, with good qualities, and are good parents to our kids. Our goal is for both of us to peacefully untangle ourselves.

4) Where do we see ourselves in the future?

There is no doubt in my mind that we will be together forever. There is no doubt in my mind that we will get married. I have known very few things with such certainty in my life, but this is one of them. We have set some goals for this, thrown some dates out there, and obviously this is all dependent how easy leaving our current situations ends up being.

We appreciate all of our readers, the comments, and the questions. Ask away! This is our journey, and we are glad that you are along for the ride.

Steve & Missy

KISS IT AND MAKE IT BETTER

As always, we are behaving as our normal, volatile selves, and paying the price for it.

I used to be okay with the thought of Steven sleeping with his wife. It happens so infrequently. I am confident in myself, and in our relationship. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel like it is a competition. There is one thing, one BIG THING though that she has, and I don't.

She is MARRIED to him.

We have had our share of disputes regarding ME having sex with my husband. I understand each and every one of the issues. My husband has gotten sex with me when he pleases, regardless of what is going on, how I feel, etc. It is rarely good sex. It rarely lasts more than 10 minutes. It is a struggle for him to maintain an erection sometimes, and other times he is battling premature ejaculation. I know that Steven thinks that I am too accommodating. He thinks that my husband doesn't appreciate what he has. There are many more issues, and all of them make sense.

I have had a nonchalant attitude about Steven's sex life with is wife. I haven't cared too much. There are days that I don't want to hear about it, but overall I haven't cared.

This past week has been a week for laying ground work. I have had conversations with my mother, sister, and a friend regarding my marriage. I have insinuated to them that things aren't okay. That I am not happy. Most importantly, I have had a good conversation with my husband. A conversation that was along the lines of the fact that we are both unhappy, that we both deserve to be happy, and that we need to work together to be the best parents possible to our children while sorting things out and moving our own directions. And later that night when I saw him looking through picture albums, it was like a knife to my heart. Strangely, he looked peaceful. Accepting. Okay. However, he knows. I know. We have both known. We don't have a "marriage". We have a good partnership. A good arrangement. And we both should have so much more.

And I was feeling AMAZING. As if I could see this happening. As if I was finally headed in the right direction. And Steven and I were on the same page. We have set some obtainable, realistic goals. We aren't jumping into anything, we aren't being stupid. We aren't setting ourselves up for failure. Instead we are setting ourselves up for happiness, and success. We are realizing that we aren't getting any younger, and that each day is a gift and that we need put ourselves first for once.

So after days of hard conversations, after a week of accomplishments, I was feeling pretty damn good.

And Friday morning I get a text message from Steven while driving my kids to the dentist. It told me that he had sex with his wife last night.

I damn near lost it. Here I am, driving kids, on the freeway, going 80 MPH, and I start crying. I want to throw my phone in the river. I want to scream.

Here I am, working towards moving FORWARD, and he is FUCKING HER?

And it isn't that he had sex with her, it was that he had told me something, and did something completely different. And while I won't get into the details, I was not okay. I have said over and over to Steven that I AM DOING THIS RIGHT THIS TIME. No lies. No deception.

What evolved from this bloody text message was a day and a half of misery. Tears. Conversations. Heated text messaging wars. Silent treatments. Mean words flung around. I was done. I really was. I decided that I couldn't do this. That I couldn't handle the stress. The pain. That I would rather lose him than share him. That the thought of him with HER made me violently nauseous. I could NOT DO THIS.

So I told him so. It was D.O.N.E. done. If we both became untangled from our existing situations, great. I could do this. However, I had hit a wall. I couldn't share him. I couldn't do this. I love him too much, want him too bad, am too selfish.

I knew that I hurt him. I didn't care. He had hurt me. He had said one thing to me, and did something completely different. I can't stop him from having sex to the one that he is legally bound to. The one that he shares a bed with. HOWEVER, don't DO THIS TO ME! Don't TEXT ME about having sex with her when you KNOW that I have been working towards US and OUR FUTURE all week.

I agreed to meet him last night. And I had no intention of anything other than getting a drink and dinner, and talking. Figuring out how to move forward from this. Closure. I was seriously walking away. I didn't even shave *down there* all that perfect because I WAS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH HIM.

We were immediately fighting. We met at a grocery store parking lot, where we were just attacking each other for lame things. It was so so stupid. We were both emotionally raw, on the verge of tears, and we got in my van and Steve drove to "our lake", which, by the way was DRIED UP due to how hot and dry it has been.

We were sitting next to each other, it was hot, dry, dusty, there were people around, planes overhead, a train in the distance. Steve leans over and kisses me. And kisses me. And kisses me. And I kissed back. My hand on the back of his neck felt his warm skin, and it was if I was floating. IT WAS OK. I WAS GOING TO BE OK. WE WERE GOING TO BE OKAY. His hand wandered up my skirt...just enough for me to know that he needed to feel me. That I needed to feel him.

I knew in that moment that I needed to suck it up. Deal. I needed to hold his hand and support him through what he chooses to do. And I need the same from him. He knows the real Missy. He knows all that there is to know about me. He loves me completely. Unconditionally. We need each other. We deserve each other...good and bad. When I am a brat, he is a brat back and we deserve to be with people that can dish out exactly what the are given. We need to be with people that meet us in the middle. We need to be with people that will ALWAYS say yes to sex, will always kiss back, will always hunger for the other no matter how bad it gets.

We had a wonderful evening sprinkled with sex, drinks, food, and adventures. Add a dash of residual anger and frustration and you have a really white trash parking lot scene in front of the Swinger's Club. The details of the sex, and maybe the white trash parking lot scene will follow in another post.

The bottom line is this. I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE FOUND SOMEONE LIKE STEVEN. He doesn't give up. He is more stubborn than I am, and I didn't know that was possible. He puts me in my place. He can kiss it and make it all better.

I will never like the idea of him having sex with HER, as he will never like the idea of me having sex with HIM. My mantra is THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY THIS IS TEMPORARY because it is just that. TEMPORARY.

When the time is right, we will be untangled. We will be together. There is NO DOUBT in our minds that this is true.

Sex with spouses is going to happen. It hurts. It is hard. Conflicting. Confusing. So, I am going to choose to look at the big picture. I have nothing to be jealous of. NOTHING. I know where we stand, where we are headed.

And where we are headed is to a place where it ALWAYS feels as good as that kiss did last night. A place where things are sunny, and pretty, and sparkly, and warm, and fuzzy.

Like home.

A YEAR OF CHANGE

December 31, 2008...

My husband and I rang in the new year with friends in our small town...we had been invited to a party with them in their neighborhood. The hosts were people we barely knew, but we knew people attending so agreed to go. The kids were all left with a babysitter a few houses down. Why am I recapping New Years? Because I KNEW. I KNEW THAT 2009 WOULD BE A YEAR OF CHANGES. Everyone thinks that, right? Thinks that this will be the year that they lose weight, save more money, etc. I had nothing specific in mind. Yet, I knew.

And as the night went on, as I played board games with a group of people while watching my intoxicated husband make an ass of himself, I KNEW. I was sitting at one end of the table playing Apples To Apples, when I looked up and saw my husband touching this complete stranger (and a prominent community member) more than he had touched me in weeks. And I looked up, with tears in my eyes, and my eyes met the eyes of a man at the other end of the table. I quickly glanced down, embarrassed. While there was NOTHING about his look that was anything but caring, it was the caring aspect that stuck with me. I WANTED TO BE LOOKED AT LIKE THAT...like I was cared about. When this man's teenage son died tragically in a car accident a few months later, my heart ached. You know that the young man was looked at with those same kind eyes his entire (short) life.

The other day I was with Steven, and freakishly my jaw went out of whack and FUCKING HURT. I am one to tear up at Hallmark commercials, or cry when sad/tired/frustrated/sick/hungry/pissed off and much more. However, when something hurts, it is a serious waterworks event. I was sitting there, tears streaming down my face, trying to blubber to Steven what hurt so bad, when I glanced up. With blurry eyes, I looked into his eyes. HIS KIND EYES. As he wiped tears from my face, kindly trying to salvage my eye makeup, he looked at me with such love. Such kindness. JUST WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED AND NEEDED.

This year has been a blur in a sense, and it is only July. I am thankful for the documentation I have in this blog, because there is so much that I want to remember forever. To think that 6 months ago, Steve was not a part of my life, is SHOCKING. I can't wrap my mind around it.

Several readers have asked about the state of my marriage, his marriage, and our relationship. Things are changing. Things are shifting. We are both trying to get our ducks in a row. I am pursuing (cross your fingers!) a career change that would be stressful and challenging if it pans out. However, it would put me in a place that would be independent of my husband in a work sense, as well as able to take care of myself and kids should the need arise.

Steven is facing challenges himself. His obstacles are different, some harder than mine, some easier. I came to the realization long ago that my marriage was not a marriage. He has only recently realized that, and I know all too well the pain that comes with that discovery. We have children...both of us...a lot if you add ours together...plus financial obligations, the prospect of a job change in my future, the worry of family and friends and their judgements, our churches, and the fact that we are both married to selfish people. People that exist. People that think about the here and now, and their immediate needs. Steven and I aren't like that. We are both big picture, live life to the fullest, giving, daring, passionate, feisty, sexually needy people. Hot headed brats at times.

I have NO IDEA what will be going on in my life by the end of this year. I am sure these next several months will bring changes, some good, some hard. To answer the questions about US and where WE are headed, here is what I think.

I think that our existing marriages are in their final acts. I think that if Steven and I can make it through the changes we are facing, that we could make it through anything together. I think that if we were to end our relationship with each other for whatever reason, that I would be devastated, yet a better person than I was before him. In a short time he has taught me so much...more than all of my past relationships combined. He has shown me what real love feels like, and the feeling that I have when I am with him is so amazing I can't even begin to describe it. For example, a few days ago we saw each other in an environment where we needed to be very "acquaintance only" towards each other. And at some point he leans over and quietly says to me that he feels calmer and more relaxed being in my presence. That sums it up...there is an easiness that comes when we are together. It isn't uncommon for one of us to mutter something along the lines of "this feels like home" when we are having sex.

I think that BIG ASS challenges are looming over us, and our families. I think that daily Steve and I are tweaking our relationship to find that perfect balance of what we both need and want. We are listening to each other, figuring out how to best support each other and communicate with each other.

Very early on in our relationship I made a comment to Steven about how in 5 years we would look back on the beginnings of our relationship and laugh at how we met...and he made a comment about how he wanted to be at my children's high school graduations. I think that we both made these comments KNOWING, but not really grasping, or understanding the magnitude of what we were in the early stages of. It is becoming clearer and clearer to me now.

As we approach 6 months of being together, I can't help but wonder what the next 6 months will bring. I am struggling daily to just BE, to just ACCEPT that things happen when they are supposed to and that things happen for a reason. Being a planner and organizer, this is hard. I want to know what my life will look like on New Years Eve of this year. I want to know what my life looks like next February. I want to KNOW.

Instead, I treasure what I do know for certain, and that is this:

- I know that I will always be a good mom, and do the best I can to raise great kids.
- I know that Steven and I need to be together, and will do whatever we can to do so.
- I know that being loved completely and honestly is the best feeling in the world.
- I know that HE is the ONE.

And with that knowledge, I move forward. I support him in moving forward. And I focus on how great we are together. And I look forward to a time where we will look back and say:

IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT.

BLOW JOBS, COPS, AND DEEP THOUGHTS FROM THIS WEEK

We have pushed and finagled our way into seeing each other quite a bit this week. We are both exceptionally needy right now, yet neither one of us is quick to admit it. Sunday was a hard day, we both had the same realization on the 4th of July...HOLIDAYS ARE HARD. Our contact is limited, we want to be together and aren't able to be.

Sunday was a day of choppy conversations, and to be quite honest, some weren't very nice. We were pushing each other's buttons, and not in a good way. Steven was at our "lake" after he got off work...I had said I was going home but changed my mind. I arrived to find him sitting in his car, looking a bit sad. I walked over to him and just held him for dear life. We need to stop this crap, need to stop the petty fights. We are so damned crazy about each other, but if you take two strong personalities, two people that are wild for each other, and mix in the stress of jobs, families, spouses, and REAL LIFE, sometimes we erupt.

We spend the evening talking, walking on our beach, holding hands, and ended the night with a deep conversation about where we are headed. Our marriages. Our lives.

It was draining, yet energizing if that makes any sense. We needed that talk. We needed to hash things out. We needed to be each other's support system because WHO THE HELL ELSE UNDERSTANDS?

We were able to spend some time Monday together as well...and Tuesday was quite possibly a perfect day. We both left work to have a picnic lunch together, and after I met Steven at his office.

Well, can you guess where that led? That's right...from me sucking on his hard cock while he was sitting at his desk, to him bending me over his desk, to being on all fours on the floor, with him going to town behind me, and finally me whipping around just in time to catch his cum...and catch a little on my face too. Yummers!

After that we went to dinner...Chinese food and drinks. We had a nice mellow time, just enjoying each other.

We finished up the night at the Porn Store...getting a preview room after I made Steve choose the porn. I am HORRIBLE at choosing them! I hate it! It stresses me out...all of those naked people staring at me from the shelves, their breasts, and penises, and girl parts taunting me and I JUST CAN NOT MAKE A FUCKING DECISION! Can you tell that this has caused a dispute in our relationship? Steve PROMISED he would choose the movie this time, so I was game!

We got into our room and started our movie. With the sounds of sex as background noise, we slowly teased and loved on each other...I didn't even realize that we were being slow like that until Steven pointed it out after the fact. He is THE MOST OBSERVANT person. Ever.

We slowly escalated the action to include some great slaps (I seriously feel my self getting wetter when his hand makes contact with my cheek) and a bit of choking action. It was hot, sweaty, amazing sex...we stopped at a convenience store afterwards for drinks and snacks...mmmm...I love red Gatorade after great sex...

Wednesday we met up in the evening at our "lake" and just hung out in my minivan. Played around on my laptop, talked, hung out. Time seems to FLY when we are together. When it got dark, I convinced Steven to get in the back seat and let me give him a blow job. He was nervous...even though our "lake" is at the end of a dead end road...it is still a road, and cars sometimes go down it.

I got back there and took him in my mouth. I was really going at it, seriously not thinking, just enjoying. It was great, really great. All of a sudden Steven gasps and says something along the lines of "SHIT! IT'S A COP!"

He zips his pants and I am sitting, SCARED TO DEATH, on the floor of the van. The cop pulls around, and BEAMS HIS SPOT LIGHT IN THE BACK OF MY VAN. I am seriously terrified. I mean, we are in the back of a minivan. My van has a STUDENT OF THE MONTH STICKER from my son's school on it. We are in our 30's. REALLY? This is HAPPENING? I felt the exact same way when I was in a similar situation at 17. WHAT THE HELL? Affairs can REGRESS you in so many ways.

Steven smiled and waved at the cop, who strangely drove off. It took a few minutes for my heart rate to return to normal, and that ended the blow job action for the evening. Damn cop. Really. I was having fun!

I know it sounds amazing the amount of time that we have had together this week. It has been wonderful. It has also highlighted some things, at least for me.

I am avoiding my real life to an extent. I am functioning at a surface level in so many areas right now. I have stresses that are huge...and none have anything to do with Steven. He has the same. We have both agreed that this can't continue like it is. We both had unrealistic expectations of managing this double life for years and years. It is exhausting. It is hard work. It is stressful.

Is it worth it? Yes, right now, yes, it is worth it. Long term can I keep this up? No. I can't. The deeper we get into this, the harder things are. Holidays are harder. When one of us has sex with our spouse it is hard. When our contact is limited it is hard.

What I know to be true, right this minute, is that I am madly in love with Steven. A love like no love I have previously felt. And just when I think I can't possibly love him any more than I do, something shifts and I love him more!

And what I also know, is that my life changed the second I met him. And every second since, even the hard ones, are precious.

I also know that there will be a point that we look back and say IT WAS WORTH IT.

And lastly, I know this...WATCH OUT FOR COPS WHEN GIVING HEAD IN THE BACK OF YOUR MINIVAN!

YES, I WOULD

I had a comment from Topaz on my previous post, wanting to know if HE was enough to make me want to leave my husband.

The short answer is YES. In a heartbeat.

I married a wonderful man, who is a wonderful father to our children. He is a good business partner. He is a lot of good things. The reality is that we were kids when we got married, and who we are as adults are two people that are really good at coexisting, and have a decent friendship. We have fun together, but there isn't a spark, he doesn't look at me like he loves me. We are sexually on very different pages. And I have known for a long time that I could be much happier with someone else.

So, along comes Steven. After all of these really fucked up relationships (see my first blog posting), and my marriage being how it is. And it is unlike ANYTHING I have ever felt. Unlike ANYTHING I have ever experienced. Unlike ANYTHING that I could have imagined possible.

I met him 4 months ago today. I get that it probably sounds crazy, and that it probably sounds unrealistic when I say that he is the ONE, and YES, I would leave my husband for him. Yet, it is true. I don't want my children to be hurt. And Steven is in the same situation. His kids are his top priority. And it is a really good thing that he is very responsible, and very concerned about his children's well being. He wants his kids to have a home growing up like he didn't have. And I have always wanted that for my kids too. There are days that I don't care, that I really believe that my kids would be fine, that I think that having a mom that is on her third marriage has made me a tougher, better person. And there are days that I can't imagine breaking up my family right now. That I can't fathom the guilt that I would have if leaving my husband would mess up my kids.

The bottom line is, I am madly in love with this man. I know that this is IT. And I know that I am meant to be with him. HOWEVER, for now, for today, what we have is enough. It has to be. It is beyond what I could have ever hoped for. And there will be a day, a day that kids are older, and things will change. I believe this from the bottom of my heart. And when that day comes, whenever it is, I will know that we have done the best we could, and that it is OKAY to take care of ourselves for once. That it is OKAY to stop living in empty marriages, and work on a future together.

When I think about that future, what excites me the most is thinking about sharing Steven with those I love. That is one of the hardest parts to this...having this amazing person in my life, and having to keep him a secret.

When the time is right, we will be together. And what will be a kick is having this blog, this journey, documented. Steve once said to me that he GETS how people that have just met can run off to Vegas and get married, because they just know.

I can understand that too.