My apologies in advance to those of you that were anticipating a steamy, sex filled, post vacation blog entry.
I don't have one.
I am not as tough as I would like to think.
And right now, I am not keeping it together.
This vacation was hard. Very hard. I looked at every moment and thought of it as a "last". I thought about my kids enjoying this same vacation next year, with their father and grandparents, but not me.
I enjoyed the time with my kids. Even enjoyed most of the time with my husband and in laws.
And I missed Steven like crazy. I ached for him. Wanted to feel him. Kiss him. Hold him. Be there WITH him. I wanted to walk on the beach holding his hand. I wanted to listen to the ocean while lying in bed with him.
Soon I told myself. Soon. Our time together for real is coming SOON.
And then the past day has been one big cluster fuck. I am sitting here, stunned. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My heart hurts.
We are both just so fucking needy. What started as me needing reassurance and comfort turned into 24+ hours of bickering. Hurting each other.
Now, realize that there are two sides to every story, and this is MY side. Steven is more than welcome to post on here too.
However, I am hurt beyond what I am able to articulate. I JUST NEEDED HIM TO SAY "IT'S OKAY SWEETIE. WE CAN DO THIS. ONE MORE DAY. NO NEED TO FEEL INSECURE, NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP."
I needed him to understand that I wasn't trying to shut him out, but that I was trying to avoid conflict.
I needed him to understand. Yes...it is hard to be the one left at home when the other is on vacation. However, having done both sides of this now, it is harder to be away in my opinion. It was hard to have down time that I am not used to, but to have it surrounded by family.
Long story short, shit hit the fan last night. I am not getting into details, but the bottom line is that I CAN'T DO THIS. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am teetering a fine line with my sanity.
I love Steven. He has stolen my heart in a way that no one has ever done. He has taught me so much. I am nuts about him. Sexually I felt that I had met my match. He knows more about me than anyone ever has. I trust him with anything and everything.
I want this so bad. I want him so bad.
I want us so bad.
I can't do this right now though. It pains me to say that.
So I am trying to figure this out. How CAN this work? Can I change something so I feel more balanced? Can I become thicker skinned so that I am better fit for this lifestyle? How can I remember everything? Not cry about it all? Not want so much? Not be so insecure? Or jealous? Or needy? He tells me plans and the next day I don't know what he said. I am the most organized person, and I can't keep this together. I frustrate him. I piss him off. I see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice.
I am falling apart.
I know what I need and want, and I can't figure out how to have it.
I am so sad. So so sad. I want to close my eyes and wake up to this being a dream. I want to wave a wand and have it be better. I want the hurt that is burning deep within me to stop.
I am falling apart.
