December 31, 2008...
My husband and I rang in the new year with friends in our small town...we had been invited to a party with them in their neighborhood. The hosts were people we barely knew, but we knew people attending so agreed to go. The kids were all left with a babysitter a few houses down. Why am I recapping New Years? Because I KNEW. I KNEW THAT 2009 WOULD BE A YEAR OF CHANGES. Everyone thinks that, right? Thinks that this will be the year that they lose weight, save more money, etc. I had nothing specific in mind. Yet, I knew.
And as the night went on, as I played board games with a group of people while watching my intoxicated husband make an ass of himself, I KNEW. I was sitting at one end of the table playing Apples To Apples, when I looked up and saw my husband touching this complete stranger (and a prominent community member) more than he had touched me in weeks. And I looked up, with tears in my eyes, and my eyes met the eyes of a man at the other end of the table. I quickly glanced down, embarrassed. While there was NOTHING about his look that was anything but caring, it was the caring aspect that stuck with me. I WANTED TO BE LOOKED AT LIKE THAT...like I was cared about. When this man's teenage son died tragically in a car accident a few months later, my heart ached. You know that the young man was looked at with those same kind eyes his entire (short) life.
The other day I was with Steven, and freakishly my jaw went out of whack and FUCKING HURT. I am one to tear up at Hallmark commercials, or cry when sad/tired/frustrated/sick/hungry/pissed off and much more. However, when something hurts, it is a serious waterworks event. I was sitting there, tears streaming down my face, trying to blubber to Steven what hurt so bad, when I glanced up. With blurry eyes, I looked into his eyes. HIS KIND EYES. As he wiped tears from my face, kindly trying to salvage my eye makeup, he looked at me with such love. Such kindness. JUST WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED AND NEEDED.
This year has been a blur in a sense, and it is only July. I am thankful for the documentation I have in this blog, because there is so much that I want to remember forever. To think that 6 months ago, Steve was not a part of my life, is SHOCKING. I can't wrap my mind around it.
Several readers have asked about the state of my marriage, his marriage, and our relationship. Things are changing. Things are shifting. We are both trying to get our ducks in a row. I am pursuing (cross your fingers!) a career change that would be stressful and challenging if it pans out. However, it would put me in a place that would be independent of my husband in a work sense, as well as able to take care of myself and kids should the need arise.
Steven is facing challenges himself. His obstacles are different, some harder than mine, some easier. I came to the realization long ago that my marriage was not a marriage. He has only recently realized that, and I know all too well the pain that comes with that discovery. We have children...both of us...a lot if you add ours together...plus financial obligations, the prospect of a job change in my future, the worry of family and friends and their judgements, our churches, and the fact that we are both married to selfish people. People that exist. People that think about the here and now, and their immediate needs. Steven and I aren't like that. We are both big picture, live life to the fullest, giving, daring, passionate, feisty, sexually needy people. Hot headed brats at times.
I have NO IDEA what will be going on in my life by the end of this year. I am sure these next several months will bring changes, some good, some hard. To answer the questions about US and where WE are headed, here is what I think.
I think that our existing marriages are in their final acts. I think that if Steven and I can make it through the changes we are facing, that we could make it through anything together. I think that if we were to end our relationship with each other for whatever reason, that I would be devastated, yet a better person than I was before him. In a short time he has taught me so much...more than all of my past relationships combined. He has shown me what real love feels like, and the feeling that I have when I am with him is so amazing I can't even begin to describe it. For example, a few days ago we saw each other in an environment where we needed to be very "acquaintance only" towards each other. And at some point he leans over and quietly says to me that he feels calmer and more relaxed being in my presence. That sums it up...there is an easiness that comes when we are together. It isn't uncommon for one of us to mutter something along the lines of "this feels like home" when we are having sex.
I think that BIG ASS challenges are looming over us, and our families. I think that daily Steve and I are tweaking our relationship to find that perfect balance of what we both need and want. We are listening to each other, figuring out how to best support each other and communicate with each other.
Very early on in our relationship I made a comment to Steven about how in 5 years we would look back on the beginnings of our relationship and laugh at how we met...and he made a comment about how he wanted to be at my children's high school graduations. I think that we both made these comments KNOWING, but not really grasping, or understanding the magnitude of what we were in the early stages of. It is becoming clearer and clearer to me now.
As we approach 6 months of being together, I can't help but wonder what the next 6 months will bring. I am struggling daily to just BE, to just ACCEPT that things happen when they are supposed to and that things happen for a reason. Being a planner and organizer, this is hard. I want to know what my life will look like on New Years Eve of this year. I want to know what my life looks like next February. I want to KNOW.
Instead, I treasure what I do know for certain, and that is this:
- I know that I will always be a good mom, and do the best I can to raise great kids.
- I know that Steven and I need to be together, and will do whatever we can to do so.
- I know that being loved completely and honestly is the best feeling in the world.
- I know that HE is the ONE.
And with that knowledge, I move forward. I support him in moving forward. And I focus on how great we are together. And I look forward to a time where we will look back and say:
IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT.
