After Office Manager, and after my youngest was born, things were hard. I had serious complications post c-section, was essentially fighting numerous infections and in pain for months afterwards. It is worth noting that I began having anxiety issues, and was put on an anti anxiety med that is notorious for causing a low libido. And while it definitely had that effect on me, it probably just took my really high sex drive down to a level that would be normal for a mom that was working part time and balancing it all.
Things were the same with my husband and I...the same infrequent, methodical sex. The same co-existing. We were, and are, great parents together. Great at running a household. Great at being roommates.
That summer, when our baby was 6 months old, we started hanging out with a friend of my husbands from high school, and his wife and kids. They had bought a home down the road from ours, and I had resisted spending time with them prior to that summer. I finally realized that it wouldn't kill me to be social with this couple (we'll call them Shane and Nicole), and so when we were invited to spend the 4th of July at their house, we agreed.
Now would be a good time to mention that I was not into drinking. I had drank a few times in high school, and while I liked the feeling of being drunk, I wasn't crazy about it. My mother had scared the shit out of me with stories of my biological father and addiction issues, so having sex was my rebellion of choice as a teen. My 21st birthday was spent with my family, where I gagged down half of a wine cooler after my mom all but forced me to do so.
We arrived at Shane and Nicole's house on the 4th, where there were a few other couples. We fussed over each other's kids in their house that was trashed (messy houses make me nervous). Nicole and I scoped each other out...we had only spent a small of time together, and it was always because of our husbands. She offered me a drink, and I thought WHAT THE HELL...and said yes.
It was great. It was so great. A few drinks, and I DIDN'T CARE. My baby was asleep, my preschooler was being entertained by the older kids, and it was grand. Nicole and I had great conversations, watched the men shoot off fireworks, and by the end of the night we were out on the street "pole dancing" on the street lamp.
This began a year long trend. At least once a week we would drink and hang out with Shane and Nicole. There was another friend of our husbands, Bob, that would hang out with us too. The three men had been friends all through high school, Shane and Bob were both in our wedding, and we all had a great time.
Things got a bit too comfy after awhile...after our kids were asleep, Nicole and I LOVED TO DANCE. It started with us dancing together...I am sure we looked stupid. She was thin, kind of white trash looking...not super smart...had dropped out of high school when she was 16 and pregnant. She dressed like a teenager, crop tops, and a playboy bunny belly button ring. We both had confessed bisexual experiences that we had in our younger years to each other, and had no qualms about being touchy with each other...especially since it was evident that the husbands liked it. Sometimes we would dance with each other's husbands...she liked "teaching" my husband, and I liked that her husband and I seemed to mesh well together.
One night, I was all but passed out on their living room floor. It wasn't uncommon for us to stay the night there, and go home in the morning. I didn't like that we were doing that with our kids, but they were young, there were plenty of beds and cribs at their house (they often watched their niece and nephew), and it seemed okay. That night, I was laying on the floor, and my husband lifted up my shirt, moved my bra, and placed a Cheez It cracker on each nipple. And ate them off. While Shane and Nicole watched.
I became aware of this, yet laid there smiling with my eyes closed. And didn't object when my husband dared Nicole to do the same thing to me. And she did. And then Shane did. And before I knew it, Shane and Nicole were messing around, and my husband and I were too. At one point, Shane said that we should go upstairs, that we wouldn't want to be on the living room floor like that if one of the kids woke up. So all four of us went into their guest room, and resumed what we were doing with our spouses. We were all on the floor...us girls on our backs with our husbands on top of us. And soon it was full fledged, same room sex. And, in hindsight, it was pretty hot. I have such negative connotations with this event, yet, it was hot.
At some point, I reached over and touched Nicole's breasts. She did the same to me. And at some point, the men switched places. Shane was on top of me, and I looked over and saw my husband penetrating Nicole. For a second, for one second, I had a wave of insecurities wash over me. What if her tight, toned, small frame was more attractive to him? What if he really enjoyed this? And then I looked up to see Shane REALLY enjoying himself, and having no shame in making it known. Funny...I hadn't really noticed him entering me...for such a big guy, he had the smallest penis that I had ever seen on a grown man. I remember thinking that I liked my own two fingers better. How bad is THAT?
At one point, he was obviously enjoying my breasts (Nicole's body rivaled that of a teenage boy), and said something about how tight I felt. I looked over and thought that if looks could kill he would have died on top of me. I began to wonder if vaginal births really make a big difference...I had two c-sections, she had pushed 3 babies out of her. And while I was wondering, everything ended. I don't think either one of us girls came.
My husband and I left for the coast that next day (this was August 2002), and were both almost giddy about our swapping experience. We laughed about it for days. And when we came back into town, Shane called us and said that we should probably distance ourselves for a few weeks...Nicole was MAD at him for the whole situation, and mad that he had seemed to enjoy being with me.
Not being one to let sleeping dogs lie, I called her. And apologized, and we talked it out. By the end of the conversation we were joking about it, and all was well.
Nicole and I became closer and closer, actually hanging out without the men...taking the kids on outings. Our kids loved each other, and we loved each other's kids. We changed diapers for each other, babysat for each other, she would have me for dinner when she made something special and wanted me to try it...knowing that I was home with my kids since my husband worked nights.
That winter, Nicole confided in me that she had a huge crush on Bob, the third friend. Bob was single, successful, and very attractive. I had a brother/sister relationship with him...we were comfortable around each other.
I didn't discourage her feelings, just listened. And when it was Mardi Gras, she asked if I wanted to go out with her dancing. I agreed. It was then that she told me that Bob was coming too, and not to tell my husband or Shane.
We went to a local club, and had a BLAST. I felt like a 24 year old, not a MOM. We danced, collected beads (which, sometimes required boob flashing the DJ), and it was then that she introduced me to my mixed drink of choice...Tokyo Tea. It was FABULOUS. I turned a blind eye when Bob and Nicole started messing around, and was just high on the experience. I had never done anything like this before. The dancing, the music, the people. I loved it! I realized that night, that I am fun. That I am attractive. That I was more than a mom with a clean house and well behaved children. I finally understood what I had possibly missed out on by being on the path that I was on. Here I was with people my age, and most went home to...well, most likely not laundry and kids and husbands that didn't notice them.
Bob and Nicole began a heated affair. Nicole LOVED showing me lingerie that she bought for him, loved telling me about their sex. Shane became suspicious, and I protected Nicole. And when my husband drove by their house at 5 am one morning on his way home from work, and saw Bob's truck there, and knew that Shane was at work, well, shit hit the fan.
My husband told Shane what he had seen, and it all collapsed. Nicole moved out, Shane and my husband began giving Bob a really hard time. Showed up at his house trying to be all thug like, convinced me to type a letter that they dictated and sent anonymously to Bob's mother (with whom he lived with) about the situation. I was walking a fine line...afraid to side with Nicole for fear that my husband would revisit my previous indiscretion. I didn't want to lose Nicole as a friend. I didn't know what to do.
And when Shane called me at 3 am one morning, crying, and drunk, and just so sad, I agreed that he could walk over to my house. Nicole had moved into her own apartment, and he didn't have his kids that night. He arrived, and I was still in bed. He came upstairs, and sat on the edge of the bed sobbing. We talked...he was just blubbering about everything and anything. Bob was one of his best friends. Bob was in his wedding. How could this happen?
And then he turned, and kissed me. And kissed me more. And then looked at me, and said "It isn't like we haven't done this before, right?" And proceeded to have sex with me. And I didn't protest. After 2 1/2 years since the Office Manager, and after 2 1/2 years of "recommitted", listless sex with my husband, I caved. Easily. Angry, revenge sex from a drunk, hairy, chunky guy seemed better than what I was getting. Never mind his small dick.
And so it began, I was back at it. This was easier though. Shane was struggling to balance single parenting when he had the kids. He would ask for help with this or that. He wanted to redecorate a bathroom in their house, wanted my opinion on paint colors. He needed help shopping for his girls. He was needy. And so was I.
I would spend evenings over at his house...I would do housework, cook sometimes, help with the kids. My husband thought nothing of it, why should he? When Shane was sick once, I took my oldest to preschool, and went to his house with cold medicine and Starbucks while my husband was home sleeping after working all night.
I could see this making sense. Shane could too. We got along great, had occasional sex when we could finagle it, and his kids were like my own. For Fathers Day that year, I took his kids and took dozens of pictures of them, and framed a collage for him. And then I had the kids make cards with their hand prints dipped in paint, and when he opened the gifts he cried and told me that Nicole would have never done something so thoughtful. We occasionally talked about what it would be like if this was our life, yet neither one of us could bear the thought of doing that to my husband. And while my fake life as mom of 5 was fun, and fulfilling, it was fake. It wasn't my life. Those kids were like my own, and their mother wasn't that great of a mom. Yet, it wasn't my life.
That August (2003), Nicole called me crying one morning. Bob's dad had killed himself, and his step mom. And Bob was a wreck. Bob hadn't spoken to my husband or Shane since the whole affair with Nicole was discovered, and he was still seeing Nicole. I convinced my husband and Shane that going to the funeral for Bob's dad was the right thing to do. Nicole could not go, she knew that she would be shunned by Bob's mother who knew about the relationship.
We arrived at the funeral, Bob shook hands with my husband, refused to look at Shane, and clung to me for dear life. My heart broke for him. I wanted to hold him and never let go. I related to him on so many levels. Shane was so angry with him, yet was doing the same thing to my husband. It was a huge fucking mess. The funeral was awful...someone that has committed a murder / suicide is usually not one to have tons of people singing their praises at their funeral. It was weird. I sat between my husband and Shane, and had a hand on each of them as they struggled through the service. My husband isn't a crier, but Shane lost it completely. After the funeral Bob talked to me, about gory crime scene details that I will never forget, and ignored my husband and Shane. At one point Bob's mom gave me a DEATH look, and I asked my husband to please introduce me to her and make sure she knew that I wasn't Nicole. He obliged. The death looks stopped when she realized I wasn't the one screwing her baby boy.
Later that August, my husband and I were headed out for our yearly week at the coast, and we decided to invite Shane and his kids. It had been a rough few weeks for all of us. We were staying in a large house, and figured, why not? The 5 kids were ecstatic, and we were too. Shane's birthday was that week, as was my husbands, and we thought it would be a great way to celebrate.
We spent the days on the beach, or doing fun things with the kids. And at night, we would drink and hang out. And on one of those evenings, a conversation about sex started. Keep in mind that Shane and I had this secret side relationship going on. My husband told Shane that he wished he was better at oral sex, and Shane offered to give him some pointers if I was cool with it. My husband agreed.
We went into the bedroom, and I figured, why not? It wasn't like we hadn't had something like this happen before. I laid there, and giggled as Shane told my husband about this and that. And then I had an absolutely mind blowing orgasm. I knew Shane was capable of this, yet, this was much more intense. Was it because my husband was watching? Possibly.
And then, it was my husband's turn. And he got it! Mad skills! It was great!
Shortly after this week long getaway, Bob ended his relationship with Nicole. It was too much for him. Losing his dad and step mom, the way it happened, it was too much...he couldn't continue his relationship with her.
And Nicole called Shane that night, crying, and begging for him to take her back. In within minutes, my life changed.
He started crying, told her he forgave her, and told her about his relationship with me. And asked her to come home.
Nicole was angry beyond words, and called my husband at work. Told him everything. And he called me.
I was HYSTERICAL. SO ANGRY. I called Shane sobbing, wanting to know why he would do that to me. If he wanted to end it, fine, but did he have to hurt my husband? Hurt me?
My husband was done. He came home, packed a suitcase, and ignored the fact that I was PLEADING WITH HIM, BEGGING HIM to stay.
He left. And for two days, I sat in my own misery, doing the bare minimum to be a decent mom. I called in sick. My friend, Fran, at work, knew the entire story. We had become friends when she was hired to cover my maternity leave in 2001. She was kept on after that, and shortly into our friendship, she looked at me and said "you have a freaky side, I can tell, and I bet you have cheated on your husband." I almost fell out of my chair. And so started a friendship, one that was based on the ability to confide in each other regarding our adventures in adultery. Fran covered for me at work, and convinced me that I could, and would survive this.
Our oldest had started kindergarten shortly before this, and didn't question the fact that dad was "helping" at grandpa's house for a few days. That is what I told him. After the first day of my husband being gone, I broke down. Called my mother, and called Annie, my best friend at the time. My mother isn't one to use nicknames, yet her reaction was "Oh, Sweetheart. He will be back." The problem was that she didn't know WHY he had left, just that he had left. I said we were fighting, and didn't give specifics. To anyone.
He did come back. And I knew, without a doubt, that if I did something like this again, it was over for good. He told me so, and I believe it to this day. We began making drastic changes together. We decided that his work schedule wasn't working for our family. We changed jobs so that we could work together, which had been something we had wanted to do. Walking away from working with Office Manager was healing within itself. It was hard to leave Fran, but it was a good move.
We had no contact with Shane, Nicole, or Bob. We didn't drink. We worked, parented, and tried again. We set career goals, and started talking about being business owners one day. We also became somewhat serious about moving...we had always wanted to live in a smaller town, and getting away from an area where we passed Shane and Nicole's house seemed like it might help. We spent every Tuesday together...making it a day off for us, and would often drive around with our youngest, looking at areas that we might want to move to. My husband had told his father everything when he went to stay with him for a few days, and while his father hasn't treated me much different, his step mom went from bitchy to super bitchy towards me. And I must suck it up. I dug this hole.
I ran into Nicole at the school while picking up my son a few months later. I apologized to her. We had a civil conversation. We hugged. And I haven't talked to her since. Prior to that, I had called Shane at work one day and apologized to him. Why, I am not sure, I feel like HE owed ME the apology. I hate having enemies though, and so to this day I send them a Christmas card. It is the least I can do.
I have tried, several times, to get in contact with Bob. My husband feels bad that he was mean to him after the whole thing with Nicole was out in the open. I know that rebuilding that friendship with Bob is something that my husband would like. He says he doesn't care, that the past is the past, but I don't believe it. I have faith that I will succeed at this someday, and that while Shane and Nicole are a chapter to our past, I don't think Bob is. I haven't given up on this, and will periodically reach out to Bob by email.
To be continued...
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