I started a post yesterday about how badly my day went, but I became distracted and never finished it. I went back to finish it this morning but it no longer made a lot of sense... so I decided to start over...
Yesterday was a hormonal and crazy day emotionally for me. I ended up back in L&D being checked out for the possibility that I was leaking amniotic fluid. I didn't sleep much at all the night before so I woke up in a weird mood, and that trip only made it worse. By the time Master and i went to the store I was upset with the world and not in a good headspace. At the store I ended up being disrespectful to Master infront of His daughter, K, and the cashier. He assured me that He would deal with my disrespect later... which made me feel good, in a way.
True to my fashion I went on with my day, lost in my emotions and forgot all about the impending punishment. He didn't forget, however, and after dinner I got 50 swats and a short lecture on how I should behave. I knew He was being easy on me because He knows how badly I struggle with the bad days, and I appreciated His concern for me and His love. Yet a few hours later, I did it again. This spanking was only 25 swats but with a more intense implement and harder swats. It was far from unbearable, but I defintely felt the reminder. I was informed that I would not get off so easy if there was a next time. I went to bed feeling very loved and secure... and He even snuggled me before I fell asleep, which I desperately needed. Sometimes sharing His time and attention is very difficult for me because I never know when it's ok to intrude. I usually just back off and let Kit get whatever time and attention she needs. It honestly doesn't bother me to handle it this way because I make sure to tell Master when I'm feeling like I need His attention. Usually He waits until bedtime and snuggles me to sleep, which is something He's done for almost 7 years now, so its a routine for us. We both sleep better when we have those moments. Aside from that when Kit isn't working I do my best to make sure I am not taking too much of His attention from her. I have no idea if this is the best way to handle it, but since no one has complained yet, I doubt she even notices that I do it...lol. She will now though when she eventually reads this.
Now for a semi change of topic... I want to have this baby right now. I feel like my body and my doctor have tagged teamed me and are playing mind games with me. My body starts labor, and then nothing happens. I think the physical changes are making my hormones worse than ever which is causing me to react before I think things through. I need to have this baby so I can start getting back to normal, and figure out how to think like a rational human being again. I also can't wait to get back to serving Master in ways that have pretty much been off limits for the last month or so. I don't think I can live without it much longer. My son is more important to me than any playtime, spanking, or physical show of service, but being benched from something that means so much is not easy at all. Once I am fully healed though, I know I will be back better than ever.
Now to be honest, I am far more of a mental slave than a physical slave. Physical activities, such as bondage, are a lot of fun, but I get my thrills from mental bondage, so to speak. I feel a huge sense of accomplishment and a success in service if I perform tasks for Him simply because He said to, and not because I was physically forced to. Physical force is definitely a lot of fun though. I think that is what it boils down to for me... fun versus a sense of pride in my service. Maybe Master and I can play with mental bondage until I am physically able to perform again.
Ok, I've started to ramble... done for now..lol!
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