Amongst the Ashley Madison disasters, I turned 30. I was so panicked by that. I could rattle off lists of accomplishments over the past 10 years, yet felt so unfulfilled in a huge way. It had everything to do with my relationship with my husband. There was an emptiness to me, a feeling that there had to be more out there. That there had to be a way for me to be happier.
I would be running errands, and look at men. And wonder if they were happy. I spent hours thinking that my ideal situation would be to meet someone that was perfect for me, yet was in a similar situation and wasn't in a position to leave their wife or family. Someone that I could be fulfilled with on a sexual level, but have some more depth to the relationship as well. I wanted to KNOW them, their life, their feelings, and to be able to fill a void in their life like the one I so desperately needed filled.
I began working out after Christmas. My weight loss had plateaued, and it was time to take the next step. I hated every second of it, yet, as I became stronger and more in shape, I craved it. And the results were nice too! And for the first time, my friends and family noticed the changes. The compliments were nice. And I could actually see a difference when looking at pictures. While I still had (and have) more that I want to lose, it was a good feeling to get rid of 17 pairs of pants that were too big. I took a picture of the pants in a pile before I gave them away...as a reminder to myself of what I had done.
My husband and I hit the worst point in our marriage to date. We hit a wall. We were arguing...up until the wee hours of the morning because we wouldn't have heated conversations while the kids were awake. He had no clue what was going on with anything...our schedules, the kids schedules, our finances, nothing. And I was sick of it. The sex was nonexistent, I was tired of being rejected. I continued to try to initiate sex with him almost daily, and if I succeeded once a week I was lucky.
He wasn't making the best decisions with regards to our new business. We seriously contemplated selling it.
We both knew that if we separated, that we would be financially screwed. We knew that if we walked away from the business, it would be worse. We talked about bankruptcy and child custody. They were HARD CONVERSATIONS. We both cried several times over the course of a week while this was taking place.
And, not surprisingly, he stepped up to the plate. He stopped chewing, and bought Nicorette. He started keeping a calender. He got things taken care of on a business level, and met with his mom and arranged the money end of the business better.
I knew though, without a doubt, that most of this was temporary. I had seen it before. Yet, I quietly sat back and watched him cling to anything he could grab on to.
Early in February, my boss asked me to join him on a quick trip to California. I jumped at the chance. I was ecstatic to get away for two nights...to fly alone, travel alone, be alone. And to be around work people that inspire me.
The meetings I attended were good, but the time that wasn't work related was better. My boss showed me a good time...I drank with his friends on the most extravagant house boat I have ever seen. My boss took me to dinner with two female friends of his (he has a pimp like quality), and we drank wine and shared plates of Cajun food at a restaurant where Leonardo DiCaprio was dining just tables away. Apparently, cool California people DON'T STARE. I had a hard time with that.
The last day I was there, my boss took me sight seeing around San Francisco. I had never been there. We drove through beautiful places, had drinks on the water mid morning, met friends of his for a quick visit. We drove across the Golden Gate Bridge, and parked at a view point, where we both sat in silence with the radio on, absorbing the beauty of the city, and silently pondering the relationship issues that we were both having. We asked no questions of each other, yet had both shared that things were not okay with our significant others.
And when it was time for me to head to the airport, I dropped my boss off, and drove the rental car across the city. Alone. And while I am directionally disabled to the fullest extent possible, I didn't get lost. And for a brief time, while driving like I was a native, listening to loud music with the window down, I forgot. Forgot what I had waiting back at home. Forgot my misery. And then it was time to fly home...time to remember.
When my plane landed, I took the shuttle to my car in the airport parking lot. I was not more than a mile from the airport when the tears started. Hard. I hadn't cried like that in a long time. I could barely see. I was sobbing.
I didn't want to go home. I couldn't do this. I could not live like this. I knew that I would hurt my husband, my kids, my family, and much more. Yet I didn't see any other way. I wasn't going to be happy like this. I knew that with conviction. And I knew that the likelihood of finding an extramarital relationship like I had dreamed about wasn't likely either.
I decided to sit on it for a few weeks, and see what happened. Yet, I was certain that I was headed for divorce. My husband was clueless...my swollen upper lip (sure sign I was sucking dick or crying) wasn't even noticed by him when I got home from the airport.
Two days later, I was home, with my kids. It was Saturday February 7th. My house was spotless, the kids were playing together nicely. I sat down in my living room with my laptop, and began perusing Craigslist. I had done this before, just read ads out of curiosity. Sometimes there were ads that were interesting, but I was too chicken to reply. I read some ads in the CASUAL ENCOUNTERS section, under M4W. Loser after loser, looking for a quick lay.
And like a ton of bricks, the thought crossed my mind...I SHOULD POST AN AD. I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.
And I did. Without a second thought.
