This week has been more than a little difficult. Emotionally I feel extremely fragile... like a child tired of living an adult life. I haven't been eating well, haven't been sleeping well, and have just been teetering (yes, i actually used the word teetering) on the edge of tears. It doesn't help any that my period is here and is extremely rough. Master has been wonderfully patient, very loving, and very snuggly... but we interact so infrequently that I'm starting to feel like that will never end. I just want to curl up in His arms and beg Him to just hold me.

This is a very standard reaction to me being sick. Since I'm nothing but an adult little girl, this is normal. I also behave worse when I'm feeling like this. I do the whole button pushing thing and lately I have been cautiously feeling out the boundaries again. The boundaries are what makes me feel safe, secure, and loved. Knowing that He is still enforcing the boundaries keeps me from spiraling out of control.

I want to be in my "little" world. I want to be in the world that He once created for me where I was free to behave like a 6 year old. I want to be free from adult responsibilities and free from the stresses of things like time, money, and work. I want to be cradled, reigned in, and well.... lazy...lol. I know it may sound strange, but right now I really don't care what sounds strange... I care about what I feel I need.

Only my needs are not my decision. I would never be happy if they were. My needs are His decision. Sure, I'm allowed input.... but He will decide what it is I need. What I feel I need right now are conflicting ideas... I need to be used hard, I need to be beaten soundly, and I need to be reminded of my place... and yet I need to be snuggled gently, pampered slighly, and treated as a precious child. I guess I think I need both ends of the spectrum. Ultimately, He will decide. And I know that His choice will be the right one.... because the truth of the matter is... He knows me better than I know myself.

Yesterday, when Master was putting me to bed I started becoming a bit of a smartass. Master doesn't mind, and occasionally enjoys, a bit of bratting... but I pushed a little too far and was threatened with corner time. My heart swelled at the threat. My heart swells for Him.