Words from the soul...
I know that I have caused Y/you both a lot of confusion and exasperation. Despite that, the both of Y/you have stood patiently aside and watched me wrestle my own demons. You have both been there when I needed you, and have instinctively known that pushing me to talk this out wouldn't work. I can't even begin to express to either of you what that means to me. I feel your strength and you love, and it has probably been the sole reason I've made it this far without having a major breakdown. That being said, despite what it may look like, what I am struggling with is not all bad. As a matter of fact, almost none of is. The struggle comes from something that happened inside me from being in the hospital.
The best way to describe it is a spiritual experience. It ties together everything that Daddy has been struggling to get me to see. I have spent way too much of my time over the last few years focused on what i (or we) don't have, and not nearly enough on what i (or we) do have. This has extended over into our transition back into poly. I wanted it to work more than I knew how to express, but was concerned and confused as to how to balance everything that i felt i was giving up in the process. I was concerned about time balance when i went back to work and completely overrun with wondering how i was supposed to be a real part of the family when i'll be gone so much of the time that we would spend together as a family.
While I spent my two days (almost three) in the hospital mostly just with Jake, I cycled through many many emotions. Not really worth getting into, lets just say it wasn't much fun. However, when I got home, I was so relieved and so thankful to be home that something clicked... and clicked hard. True to Sarah-style I had no idea what to do with this click, and as badly as I wanted to talk about it and find out what to do with it, the words just wouldn't come. I knew if I tried before I was really ready the words would come out all wrong and would inhibit my figuring out what I had just been shown. I really believe that the powers above (in all forms) almost literally slapped me with the knowledge and understanding that Daddy was trying to make me see.
It no longer matters to me what I get in terms of attention... I no longer care who has what time or what happens during that time. I don't care what we don't have materialistically, or what we may never have. None of that matters at all. Not even a little bit. What truly matters is that all the people I love most in the world live here, where I can help take care of them... where they are close. That we have a relationship that is working, even if it still is in baby stages.... that I have a sister that i love more everyday and can't imagine losing.... that I have a Master whom I would willingly follow to the ends of the earth and love more than i can even start to express.... that i have children that complete my heart.
From this realization comes the intense desire to give my sister and my Master everything i could imagine that they need. I know that time with Master is extremely important to my sister, and I know that reduced stress is extremely important to Master. When I offered to stay out of here at night, it was not a "poor me" or passive aggressive offer. It was a gift... a true gift of the heart. No strings or bad feelings attached. When I say that I will stay out of the way to give my sister time with my Master.... again.... its a gift. It is my way of saying that i love her and am willing to happily give her what she needs.
Yes, admitting to her that I love her and want her in my life for as long as possible was hard. As a matter of fact it was probably one of the hardest confessions I've ever made. I know, better than anyone, that my heart is on the line. And if it ends up breaking, in the long run, it will be worth it. I have to learn to take the risk... in this case the risk is more than worth it. I am truly happy with her here.
And Master should be very happy because I avoided song lyrics... and I really really really wanted to add some....lol!
