Affairs are interesting things.
I am feeling fairly reflective today, as next week marks EIGHT MONTHS that Steven and I have been together. EIGHT MONTHS. Wow.
I have been thinking about how we have had phases, and we seem to hit those phases at different times. There was the I HATE WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE phase...Steven went through it first, then I did. There was the I WANT EVERY SECOND OF YOUR TIME TO MYSELF phase...again, we hit this at different times. There is the WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR SPOUSE phase. And of course the I NEED YOU, YES, I AM SUPER NEEDY AND YOU NEED TO MEET THOSE NEEDS phase, and while we have both weaved in and out of this...it is still there, and still has the right to resurface now and then. The trick is to realize that this phase is occurring, and act accordingly (this goes for the needy one, and the one that needs to deal with the needy one).
After a summer of pushing way too hard to see how much we could possibly see each other every hour/day/week/month, regardless of the price paid at home or work, we have mellowed out. Kids are settled back in school, we are buckled down at our jobs. While this summer was priceless, we both pushed our limits a bit too much. I have no regrets though...there will never be another summer like this in our relationship. I have a head full of memories...some beautiful, some funny, some painful, some intense, and that is something that I will forever cherish. And here we are, trotting along towards a wonderful time of year, yet knowing it is uncharted territory.
It is almost too much for me to think about this being the last holiday season with my current family situation (read: marriage). There are such mixed emotions that come with that. It is almost easier for me to NOT think like that, but I can't help it. It is my reality, and while it is what it is, it is still overwhelming. Having thoughts of WHAT WILL BE keeps me focused on the positive, and reminds me of what I am working towards.
I am so reflective on my life a year ago. To think that I was lowering myself to the likes of Adrien makes me want to vomit. I was such a sad person then. So lonely. So lost. So hungry for SOMETHING...ANYTHING. Honestly not caring if I was being used, because being used feels so much better than just existing.
I am also overwhelmed with the WHY of this relationship. WHY did this happen? What made me RANDOMLY post something on Craigslist that bleak February day? Why did Steven answer it? Why did this happen? To me? To him? To us? Was this who I was meant to be with? Does it work like that? WHY WHY WHY, if that is the case, why NOW? Why when we are so intertwined with our spouses and kids? Why, when this is HARD? Wouldn't have this been easier a few years ago? A decade ago? Why does it feel so good when I am in his arms? Why why why?
And was I really LOOKING for this? I don't think so. I honestly think that I would have been content with a good fuck friend. Really. I can tolerate my husband. Hell, I even like being around him most of the time. And now that I have had SO MUCH MORE...I realize that he would NEVER have been enough. Ever. So maybe I was looking for this, subconsciously? Maybe when I posted that on Craigslist, deep down I knew that I needed so much more.
All reflections aside, there is one thing that keeps lingering in my mind. Like a pulse that I can't stop.
YOU ARE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
Ten years ago I had a fortune cookie that said that. And I liked it. I kept it taped to my bathroom mirror for a few years, until it became ragged and I threw it away. That phrase has stuck with me though, because sometimes you just KNOW when you are headed in the right direction.
And I know that with utmost certainty. Right now.
I. Am. Headed. In. The. Right. Direction.
The messiness of having an affair is a non-issue. We are so much more than that. We have goals, specific, measurable, goals. We respect each other's goals. We have a common goal, and our own personal goals that need to happen to reach that common goal.
I have lost my fight. When you know something is so real, so there, and so tangible, you just let go and let it be. I have no jealousy regarding his wife. I don't think that he has any regarding my husband. These were such REAL issues to us previously, and now they aren't. It is liberating. I dreamt about his wife the other night, and it weirded me out. Yet, it also had great significance to me. The dream was civil, albeit weird. And it left me feeling peaceful, and if anything, a little sad. Sad for her, sad for my husband. They are the ones that will have lost. And we will have gained. Yet, my hope for both of them is that when this is said and done, that this can be a positive for them too. They are both ideal partners for lots of people in this world, and happiness is out there for them too.
So...while I can't promise to never say anything negative about our current spouses again, I have lost my fight. I don't care. I know where I rank. Steven knows where he ranks with me. And being insecure is okay, but letting it interfere with all that is wonderful about US is not.
Last night as I laid in Steven's arms, our bodies in a tangle of limbs, his hands cupped my face. We breathed each other in, sweet kisses were exchanged. And he says to me "This is it. This is what intimacy is." Just us, being us. Nothing fake. Nothing surface. Being vulnerable. Being real. Being silly...laughing, joking, kissing, teasing.
FINALLY. I finally can take a deep breath, and appreciate this relationship for the phase that it is currently in. A phase I am calling YOU ARE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
