First of all, I need to clarify a few things.
Steven did not want this to end. It was me that said that I couldn't do this.
Second, he was very aware the whole time how I felt, and even read my previous post shortly after I wrote it.
Thanks to all of you for the kind words and support, and most of all for rooting for us.
Nothing BIG happened to cause me to feel this way. It was a combination of things. It really started over a week ago when I got the news that a job that I had been working REALLY hard towards fell through. Yes, I have a job, and I am fortunate that it is one that I enjoy and it gives me a ton of flexibility. However, this other thing was something I was interested in, and had gone through a lengthy process for. My realistic side knows that it wasn't meant to be, and that there is a deeper reason for it not working out. That reason may be my kids, Steven, or simply that it wasn't what I am supposed to be doing. HOWEVER, rejection sucks. It also sucks that I had tried so hard. And from a financial standpoint, it would have enabled me to be less dependent on my husband financially.
Last Saturday I helped a family friend with her wedding. I had the bachelorette party and the rehearsal dinner the two evenings before, and had to suck it up at the rehearsal because I had just found out about the job and was devastated. BY THE WAY...STEVEN WAS A SWEETIE AND MET WITH ME AFTER THE REHEARSAL, WHERE WE PROCEEDED TO GET A FEW DRINKS AND HAVE SEX AT THE SWINGER'S CLUB WHILE BEING WATCHED...THE ENTIRE TIME...WAY HOT! The man knows how to cheer me up!
Anyway, the wedding was hard. Not only did I work my ass off that day, but the reception was an opportunity for all that is wrong with my marriage to be really obvious. Weddings are fun, romantic, and when you are married to someone that doesn't want a part of that ambiance, it sucks. There all of the couples were dancing, and I busied myself with taking pictures because he wouldn't dance. He left early "because the kids were tired" which was really just an escape. It was just really hard to be there with him. I spent the evening texting Steve about how I knew that going to a wedding with him would be so much fun.
Then, the vacation. My mother in law is aware that our marriage is not going so great, so I felt like I needed to be on my best behavior. No need to start family drama. My kids are absolute blessings, and I loved the time with them. I even had fun with my husband, kicking his butt at Yahtzee and such. Overall, it was a good time. However, I missed Steven, and felt that it was putting a strain on us because I had limited contact with him.
So...that has been my week. And now I am home, and facing the reality. Back to work at a job that I had been pretty checked out of because I was hopeful about the prospect of a different job. I have two weeks before my kids start school again. I have a friend that is having a baby this week. A sister that is getting married in three weeks. Lots to be thankful for, lots to be excited for.
Steven and I will be okay. We are already on the road to being okay. We need to work through some things. We need to talk, and to listen. We need to hold each other. The physical aspect of our relationship is essential to the rest. This may not be the best thing, but it is the truth. When we are physically connected, the rest seems okay.
I take full responsibility for what has happened with us the past two days. We are both accountable for different things. We both screwed up. However, I was the one that wasn't in a good place. I was the one that was overwhelmed. I was the one that was not okay.
Tomorrow is a new day. A new week. Regardless of what kind of shit we get ourselves into, we always find a way out. ALWAYS. I am quick to want to quit. I know this. It is my protective instinct. There is a reason I have held back in so many areas of my life. FEAR OF FAILURE. So when things are rough, hard, and feel like too much, my instinct is to walk away.
Yet, I am a fighter on so many levels as well. And more than anything, I want to be with Steven. I want to continue this journey towards becoming US. There is so much that I look forward to with him. Things I want to do with him, experience with him. I want to know his kids, for him to know mine. I want to be married. I want to travel. I want to wake up next to him, and fall asleep next to him. I want to have our lives so intertwined that it is hard to remember a time when it was any different.
We will get there. I know that.
We love each other way to much to not make this happen.