THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS. WE ARE CRAZZZZZZZY.

Evidence of another wonderful night together...yes, we begged, borrowed, and stole to get a sleepover last night. And when I left the hotel room this morning, Steven sent me this picture on his cell phone.

This is sooooo us. I mean, really...the MOTEL 6 logo on the phone just really seals the deal on the white trash factor...combined with the energy drink, cigarette, lighter, vibrator, lube, RUSH, gum, and......drum roll.......STEVE'S WEDDING RING. Yes, that is right, because REMOVING THE RING BEFORE FUCKING MAKES IT...never mind. It just makes it not fall off when lube is involved. You thought I had some backasswards justification happening, didn't you?

Yeah...I am not THAT nuts. Yet.

Let's just tell it like it is.

We are a bit nuts. Not psycho, dangerous around kids, watch out or I will steal your cat, I talk to myself all the time, look at me wrong and I will bite you nuts.

Nope, not that kind of nuts.

Nuts as in WE ARE REALLY GOOD, UPSTANDING CITIZENS THAT HAVE JOBS, AND LOTS OF KIDS, AND MORTGAGES, AND SPOUSES, AND CHURCHES, AND FRIENDS, AND HOBBIES, AND WE CAN HOLD AN INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION, FIGHT A WICKED FIGHT, AND DAMN IT WE ARE CUTE....BUT....we have this inner freak, party it up, run around and be silly, let's pretend we don't have responsibilities, yes that is us with the loud rap music dancing in the minivan....nuts.

THAT kind of nuts.

I asked Steve this morning if I was his mid life crisis. He refused to answer because he said it is a really dumb question.

In a sense though, we ARE each other's crisis. Really.

Our love is not a crisis. Our sex is not a crisis. Having fun together is not a crisis. What is a crisis is that we have been FUCKING STUCK. FUCKING TRAPPED. FUCKING UNFULFILLED. And THAT my friends, is a CRISIS.

And until the day comes that we can be free to be US...we live amongst crisis. We cram a full blown relationship, complete with head over heels love, into a fraction of what legit couples have. We have sex with fervor, knowing that any sex we get at home is merely like a JELLO PUDDING CUP when we know that the MUD PIE FROM RED ROBIN is out there counting the seconds until we meet again. We fight like our lives depend on it, because sometimes I think they do. Why not freak out on the one that GETS IT THE MOST? The one that UNDERSTANDS? The one that has filled this huge void, yet when you are apart the void is bigger than any void that was there before?

People take SO MUCH for granted. I admit, I have been this way before too. Yet, when I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache from too many margaritas, I was APPRECIATIVE.

I was APPRECIATIVE of Steven's skin touching mine. I was APPRECIATIVE of the hangover, because it meant that we had a wonderful, wild, crazy night together. I was APPRECIATIVE of the bed, the sheets, the roof, the warmth, the room...because that is so much more than many, many people have. I was APPRECIATIVE of exhaustion...because what caused that was having sex for 2 hours in the middle of the night. I was APPRECIATIVE of Steven...thankful that he found me, thankful that we have each other, thankful that he is my future.

It is way too easy to take it for granted. Eleven years ago, I was a year into marriage with a new baby, working on buying a home, a decent job, and looking forward to a future of all that is bright and shiny. I was 19 going on 40. And I APPRECIATED none of it (except the baby). And after watching my marriage unravel, my sex life with my husband become bleak, and the realization that I went from a senior in high school to a van driving mommy overnight, I feel cheated. By my own doing.

SO...I am acting out a bit. Just a skosh. Steven is too. We pretend we aren't.

But really, we are.

And guess what? I am OKAY with being a bit nuts. And if this is more than a phase, I am okay with that too. If we become senior citizens that are having a few too many drinks on a Saturday night, stopping in at a Swinger's Club, and then having sex all night, WHO CARES? The reality is that we are both having needs met that have been neglected for years. Everything that we do is special, meaningful, precious. Everything we do is feeding us in some way, shape, or form.

We have so much fun together...I love being in public with him...I love seeing him get checked out by other women AND HE IS MINE and that feels amazing. I love how he makes me laugh. I love how comfortable we are together. I love that we are so intertwined with each other's lives that we often have to stop ourselves from talking about each other to our friends and families.

And I love how adventurous we are. I feel so free when we are together. I try new things. Last night I HAD MY FIRST FULL BLOWN FISTING EXPERIENCE. If you are into this, leave a comment...I want to know what other people think. I liked it. I wasn't sure if I wanted his hand moved a lot once it was in, but I certainly liked the feeling of fullness. There is certainly a level of trust and patience required, and it has a feeling of intimacy that is really hard to explain.

My only regret is that I wasn't completely sober. Next time I will be.

I have spent some time this morning reading about fisting, and what I have found is quite interesting. There is quite a bit of writing out there on the spiritual aspect of fisting. The first article I read talked about what the fist can be symbolic of from a biblical sense, complete with scripture to back it up. I was questioning this a bit, but kept researching (nerd that I am). What I found is that there are books on this, many articles, and dozens of personal testimonies from people seriously moved by the highly sensual yet spiritual experiences that they have had with fisting.

So...our two hour sexathon was amazing. All of it was great. I needed that. I haven't been with someone, ever, that I could just PLAY with for hours on end. Steve stays hard. Can cum when he wants and it isn't over if he doesn't want it to be. He is patient, and eager to please. He is excited to do it all, and loves making me happy. Steven absorbs all aspects of sex...he pays close attention, and humors me by recapping it to me when I ask afterwards.

I want to read more on fisting and do this again, ASAP.

Our finale was him cumming in my ass (he teases me because when we first met I said this was one thing I wasn't really crazy about...funny how things change...I have let him do it twice now...) while he was on top of me. This was the ultimate in intimate endings, a perfect way to end an intimate time in bed. Looking at his beautiful face, his eyes fierce with love for me, and feeling my body completely relaxed and surrendered to him...truly amazing.

Mid life crisis? Nah

Nuts? Okay, in some ways.

Building a future amongst an underground life speckled with incredible sex, crazy ass moments of juvenile behavior, good food and better drinks, Camel Lights, hotel rooms, lube, unknowing spouses, lots of kids, and above it all an incredible amount of love for each other? YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE DOING.