To those of you looking to read something sexy and hot, skip this post. To those of you that realize that harsh reality that affairs can sometimes SUCK, and you want to feel like you aren't alone, keep reading.
I am wondering if I am truly cut out for this. All of my previous affairs have been so different. And this relationship with Steven is unlike anything else.
I love him. And, it's weird, because I have thought that I loved before. I know that I love my husband, he is the father of my children, and we have a history together. It isn't the same though. The love that I have for Steven is all consuming, deep, and unlike any love I have felt before.
I have gotten used to a high level of communication from him. A good amount of time with him. And when things happen, like vacation time, days off, etc. it is getting to be TOO FUCKING HARD on me. I try, really try, to be stronger than that. To be not as needy. To act like I don't care. And I am failing miserably.
I know there are people out there that would kill to have the amount of time that we have together. I know that there are those that are doing this long distance, and I can't imagine how hard that is. I know that it could be worse for me.
I also know that something has occurred to me in the past few days, something that I can't get out of my mind.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE TOP PRIORITY IN ANY RELATIONSHIP THAT I HAVE EVER HAD.
And I am tired of it.
My husband has always put himself, his job, and our kids first. I know that my place is somewhere after that. Every extramarital relationship that I have been involved with is a no brainer, there has been a wife/girlfriend that comes first.
I have a sibling that was favored growing up, and is still favored as an adult. I have always felt like I had something to prove within my family...that I couldn't compete with my thinner, prettier sisters. I have always gone above and beyond with work, whether or not it is noticed, because I have something to prove. I care way the hell too much about what other people think, and what things look like to the rest of the world.
This is NOT where I was supposed to be. I was NOT supposed to be in my 30's and living the way that I am. If you would have asked me at 16 what my future looked like, it would have included four years of college, a great job, then marriage, and then kids, and the picket fence, and all that goes with it. An amazing sex life, a husband that I couldn't wait to be with when he would get home from work, smart and adorable kids.
Guess what? I HAVE THE SMART AND ADORABLE KIDS. And that is IT.
NEVER would I have thought that I would look over at my sleeping husband and wish it were someone else.
NEVER would I have thought that I would go to church on Sunday, teach Vacation Bible School, teach my kids right from wrong, and WITH NO GUILT be having an affair.
NEVER would I have thought that I would be able to look so damn normal, yet have a complete second life. That I could volunteer at the kid's schools by day, and fuck a married man at night. YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF YOU SAW ME WHAT MY LIFE IS REALLY LIKE.
This past week we have had two amazing experiences together. Two very different, very special, unforgettable experiences. One was a fantastic evening that ended with spontaneous sex outside (future post material), and one was a junk food picnic at a park filled with deep intimate conversation that I still haven't fully processed. And while they were both special for very different reasons, they were both so US. So typical of who we are as a couple.
And when I think of these times together this week, I could lay on the ground and kick and scream like a toddler. Really. HOW is this FAIR? WHY does it have to be like this? Is this a cruel joke? Neither one of us have had EASY lives. We have both had challenges, obstacles, hardships. And now THIS. I can sit and look into his eyes over Chex Mix while he pours his heart out, yet I have to go home to someone that doesn't even notice that I am in the same room as him. I can be bent over the hood of my vehicle having sex in broad daylight and it is HOTTTT, but he has to go home to someone that would never do that.
IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR. (Tantrum completed for now).
