I know, a lame title... but it works...lol!
I want to start by saying that my beautiful sister wife has acually really opened up for the first time in her blog... check it out here... Kit
Master has posted one of His many wonderful poems on His site.... you can find that here... Master
On to my latest ramblings...
Adjusting to going back to work is not fun and not easy. I had a full blown breakdown yesterday afternoon and just sobbed my heart out. Master was so wonderful and so supportive as He stroked my hair and assured me that it was ok to be sad and confused. Part of my confusion is that I don't feel like part of the family. I only worked 3 nights so far and I already feel disconnected and like a visitor in my own home. I know that this will even out, but it hasn't been easy. I only slept a total of 9 hours from Wednesday morning until my breakdown on Sunday, so I know a lot of that was the fact that I was completely exhausted. The other part of my confusion is that I love my job. I love the company and most of my co-workers. Its so hard to love what I do but hate how it affects my home life. Master is working on some type of schedule that will allow me to feel less like a visitor and more like the valued member of our family that I am.
That is all wonderful, but I also need to feel like His slave. I need (and absolutely) love to feel like His property. Working allows me to feel like I am serving Him, which is vitally important to me, but I need to know that I am wanted and needed sexually. I do not equate sex with love, but I need to be needed in all ways and that includes sexually. I actually equate discipline with love. Being punished is not usually fun, but I feel most loved and most secure when I am kept on a short leash. Knowing that He needs and wants me sexually makes me feel good as a person. It makes me feel confident, sexy, and desirable.
Unfortunately, with this overnight schedule the only time I even have a real shot at any type of sexual playtime with Master will be on Sundays or Mondays. I'm not at all opposed to playing during the day, but with kids and appointments and such I'm pretty much booked as a taxi everyday this week. I'm hoping that the weeks following won't be so bad, but I really am not sure how that will play out.
Rules... i love rules. Master has always had a list of rules for me, and I have always loved them. Knowing that I am following His rules to be best of my ability always makes me happy. Knowing that He loves me enough to provide rules and assignments carries me through the hard times. Rules are one of the most important factors to us staying connected when I work this shift.
Staying connected is one of my biggest worries. Master has assured me that He loves me more than life and would never let our connection fall. I trust Him and I know how much I mean to Him, but the biggest fears still grip me sometimes. He assured me that its ok to feel like this and that as we get more into the swing of things it will all work out.
Spanking...
I need one. Like now... actually I need lots of them. I can always tell when I'm feeling insecure because the desire for a spanking get stronger and stronger. Spanking makes me feel secure, happy, and loved. The harder the spanking the safer I feel. I wish I could have daily spankings now that I'm back to work.
Ok, thats more than enough rambling for now...lol!
