I crave discipline. Even more than sex, although sometimes sex and discipline are closely tied together for me. Knowing I am going to be punished is a huge mix of emotion. I find myself completely turned on, yet horrified that I disappointed Daddy to the point of needing to be punished. I crave the punishment, and want it to be completely nonsexual, but the only real punishments that get to me are spankings and corner time, both which evoke sexual responses from me. Is it wrong to be sexually turned on when you are genuinely being punished?

This question has plagued me forever. I want so badly to really feel thoroughy punished when I have done wrong. But do I want that because I have a slight discipline fetish, or do I want that because I truly want to feel that I have paid for my mistake? I honestly think its a little of both. Daddy and I have been together for 9 years.... in very many ways He knows me better than I know myself. We have been through all kinds of situations, experimented with all sorts of schedules, protocols, rituals, etc... we have carefully cultivated our relationship to become more multi-dimensional than I ever thought possible... and we did all of this while being poly. My sister slave, kitten, has known us in one form or another for about 3 years. She's younger than I am, and has made some different choices throughout these 3 years, but her and Daddy are also slowly building a foundation. They are working together slowly to see what will work for them and their dynamic.

Completely changing directions, another thing that needs to happen (in its own time) is that kitten and I need to develop our relationship. We need a bond that is completely independant of Daddy. We need thing we can talk about, we need to be comfortable spending time alone together, and eventually being sexually involved with each other (if that is where the path leads). There is no rush on these things, but they do need to happen. If it doesn't happen, we do not have a triad relationship like Daddy and I want out of poly... we end up with His relationship with me, and His relationship with her. That type of relationship can easily foster jealousy and insecurity.

I do have my moments of jealousy and insecurity. I really don't know of a woman who doesn't, or wouldn't. Its completely normal and natural. What is really important is how those situations are handled. Right now I am not even going to pretend that I am emotionally rational most of the time. I honestly feel like I'm a time bomb waiting to go off... but I'm at the end of a pregnancy and my hormones are going psycho... so that is completely expected. Everyone is doing very well at cutting me some slack, but that brings me back to my original rambling....

Maybe Daddy's cutting me too much slack... I know, because we talked about it a bit yesterday, that He has been pretty lenient with me. With all of the changes going on around us and inside of me He is allowing me some room to make mistakes and to breathe a little. I only just realized this yesterday because I noticed that I am doing exactly what is expected of me to get by... and not going above and beyond like I should. I am not at all saying I need to physically push myself further, but I am saying that I am even slipping when it comes to asking permission for things.

I want my short leash back. I am terrified of getting used to getting away with too much. I worry that it will be too long and too hard to get back to where I belong. I don't want to be like this when Daddy and I have invested 9 years into cultivating our relationship. I am going to be much more careful to behave like He expects me to... and like I expect myself to.